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How NOT To Conquer Planet Earth
A hostile alien’s guide to the pitfalls of invading our planet

The third rock from Sol is home to an unpleasant species of bipedal apes who are mostly fixated on destroying their planet and killing each other. They call themselves ‘humans’, and woe betide anyone who pays them a visit. It usually ends in explosions. These humans have fought extraterrestrial species of every imaginable kind in almost every imaginable scenario and, despite their horrendous failings, always seem to win. Why? Those they couldn't beat with raw brawn or heavy weaponry were overcome with cunning and terrible malice. So, possible visitors, here’s a list of some of the tactics they’ve employed so far. If you come in peace (which is probably a bad idea) you may wish to read this guide instead – but if conquest is your aim, here are some previous pitfalls.

WORDS VISITING ALIEN JACK OUGHTON
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How NOT To Conquer Planet Earth | The Weapon: Disease The Weapon: Disease

The Example: War of The Worlds

One thing that humans have going for them is the immense army of malevolent microbial assassins that share their planet. This insidious microscopic army includes ebola, the plague, and the common cold, all of which cause the humans significant amounts of trouble – or did, until the filthy creatures started washing and developed penicillin and a half-decent medical system, damn them.

Sadly, the microbes also keep busy killing off any new species that tries to ‘visit’ the humans. One such species, from the neighbouring red world of Mars, thought they'd be able to bypass the microbe party. They almost did, quickly prevailing in a conflict thanks to their advanced war machines and using humans as fertilizer (HA!). But eventually they succumbed to Terran bugs (with some encouragement from human projectile weaponry), drained and coughing up blood. So very sad, and so close.

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