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Feature
Five Dwayne Johnson Projects That Could Have Been...
(Although almost certainly wouldn't have)

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Last week Dwayne Johnson proudly announced that his next project - a film called Teddy Bear - is based on a painting for children that he likes. This might seem like an odd way to approach an idea for a film, but it was a long road to that "Eureka!" moment for Johnson. We trawled through his bins and discovered that he'd abandoned five projects based on paintings by kids before he hit on the idea of instead investigating paintings for kids: here we can present the projects that fell by the wayside.

WORDS NEIL ALCOCK
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1. The Birds And The Boats

Plot: Johnson stars as John Sailor, who sets off in a boat on a round-the-world voyage with his family when he's made redundant from his job as a cupcake designer. Surviving a freak storm, the Sailors find themselves in a world populated by weird avian creatures, giant jumping fish and flying steamers. When the villainous Man In The Sun (Adam Sandler) tries to destroy this peaceful place, John Sailor must punch him repeatedly until his knuckles burn in order to save his family and new-found friends. Also starring Michael Caine as the wise old salmon.

Reason abandoned: Johnson and Sandler fell out over who came up with the line "You sun of a bitch".


 

2. M: The Winged Serpents

Plot: Taking a few liberties with the remake licence, Johnson stars as Jimmy Quinn in this multi-million dollar re-imagining of Q: The Winged Serpent. When a flock of flying Ms attack New York, Johnson enlists the help of Rainbow Joe, an animated daffodil who can project rainbows from his stamen. Jimmy and Joe manage to fight back the marauding, flying letters, but only when the skyscrapers of New York city grow legs of their own and start leaping into the air to attack the Ms.

Reason abandoned: It was discovered that the kid who painted this was a 32-year-old LSD addict.


 

3. Parsnip Of Power

Plot: Dwayne Johnson stars as Farmer Bob in this heart-warming family film about a man trying to grow the world's biggest parsnip. Despite sacrificing time with his family to tend to the titanic tuber, Bob eventually convinces his wife and daughter to help him haul the vast vegetable out of the ground in order to enter it into the village fête. But what's this? It's that blasted Man In The Sun again, only this time played by Will Ferrell because of the previous disagreement with Adam Sandler! What will the solar slimeball get up to this time?

Reason abandoned: It's about a frickin' parsnip.


 

4. Mr. Mingy's Thingy

Plot: Johnson is Mike Mingy, a normal, down-to-earth, massively-ripped guy who lives with his wife, three kids and, uh, dingo in rural Wyoming. One day he discovers a yellow, dome-shaped object with strange red markings in his yard, and the phenomenon becomes known as Mr. Mingy's Thingy. Scientists from all over the world come to investigate in the hope that Mr. Mingy's Thingy is a sign of extraterrestrial life, but it eventually transpires that it's just a big mushroom. Mr. Mingy cooks it for his family, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Reason abandoned: Potential encouragement of drug use among minors.


 

5. Journey To The Centre Of The Erf

Plot: Dwayne Johnson stars as Dr. Pierce Jones, a specialist in the field of vulcanology. When his daughter Ayesha paints a top-down view of a volcano he's never seen before, he whisks his family away to locate the mysterious mountain. After years of searching and various improbable adventures, the volcano in question is found, and it appears to provide a gateway to another planet: Erf. The inhabitants of Erf prove to be selfish, arrogant and self-destructive, and in a final twist it's revealed that Dr. Jones and his family were, in fact, on Earth all along. Nobody is surprised.

Reason abandoned: It's just complete rubbish.


N.B. All of the above projects may be figments of our imagination.

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Your Comments

1 painful
this hurt my eyes... More

Posted by Samurai7 on Friday February 8, 2013, 10:36

2 Don't be so grumpy
I think it's really funny and any of these movies would be worth my money. More

Posted by Edgar Nollen on Monday February 4, 2013, 10:52

3 Erm, what???
This is the worst thing I've ever seen by Empire, heads should roll.... More

Posted by jimmyakey on Sunday February 3, 2013, 20:39

4 Worse than Movie 43
Woeful stuff Neil Alcock. Woeful. There is a name to be wary of from now on NEIL ALCOCK. Setting the pewter standard. More

Posted by Loosecrew on Sunday February 3, 2013, 15:38

5 What the hell is this?
Did someone's stray child clamber onto a computer in the office and sprout this nonsense out? Empire staff, if you're bored, try being a LITTLE bit more creative, sophisticated and adult with your attempts.... This is just shockingly bad. What were you thinking? More

Posted by AyannaNyx on Sunday February 3, 2013, 01:05

6
Probably the worst article I've ever read on Empire. If you guys want to be comedians, get on a stage. This is a movie magazine for movie news. If there's no news, don't make it up. More

Posted by BenTramer on Saturday February 2, 2013, 14:42

7 what the F?
I come back to empire after leaving it a year and I decide to read this crap, see you for another year empire, get better writers. More

Posted by Nexus6Replicant on Saturday February 2, 2013, 11:25

8
If those pictures really are by kids, then i have to say i like 'em! More

Posted by Nexus Wookie on Friday February 1, 2013, 10:48

9 Sorry, not happening
MIss! A clear miss! More

Posted by ONE VOTER on Thursday January 31, 2013, 22:47

10
Not only did someone bother to waste minutes of their life to write this crap but someone was stupid enough to pay them to do it? Come on, Empire, this is just unfunny, pointless drivel. More

Posted by Vadersville on Thursday January 31, 2013, 13:48

11 There's art and then there's Art.
So which closet talent at the Empire Offices painted these inspiration little pieces here? More

Posted by Fallen Giant on Wednesday January 30, 2013, 21:48

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