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Classic Scene


"Sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle!"

SETTING THE SCENE  A bar room boor unimaginatively insults C.D. Bales (Steve Martin) as "Big Nose", to which C.D. contends he can think of much better witticisms regarding his extraordinary proboscis. The number is established on a throw of darts...

C.D.: All right, all right, 20 something betters. Uh, here goes. Uh, start with, uh, Obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: Everybody take cover! She's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you worse something larger - like Wyoming. Personal: Well here we are - just the three of us. Punctual: All right Delman, your nose was on time, but you were 15 minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh! To be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you; sneeze and it's Goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi! I'm Ed Shive and I can paint that for $39.95. Polite: Uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic, everybody: (The crowd sings at his cue) "He's got the whole world in his nose". Sympathetic: Awww, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Hey, did that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Huh! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: Say, zee pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that? (he is answered - inaccurately - "14 chief!".) All right, all right! Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? (The crowd shouts "16!") Uh, Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! ("17!") Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee - in Brazil. ("18!") Appreciative: Ooooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. ("19!") All right, uh. All right. (To Boor) Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick would it?

Boor: You smart-ass sonofabtich.

C.D.: You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat-head. (Turning his back, C.D. blocks a punch and thumps the dude without a glance.) Has he fallen yet? (Walks out to laughter and massive applause.)

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1 Inaccurately
Posted on Tuesday May 13, 2014, 02:06 by jws1272
He was actually at 19, when he asks "How Many?" He did TWENTY-FIVE. My sis & I sat down with our VHS tape of it years ago & counted.......and wrote them down. Read More

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