Register  |   Log In  |  
Sign up to our weekly newsletter    
Search   
Empire Magazine and iPad
Follow Me on Pinterest YouTube Tumblr Viber
Empire
Trending On Empire
The Big 2015 Movie Preview
The 50 Best Films Of 2014
Review Of The Year 2014
Download Ex Machina
Before the DVD release on 8th June
Win Premiere Tickets
To see Mission: Impossible in Vienna.
Classic Scene

18

ROXANNE
"Sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle!"

SETTING THE SCENE  A bar room boor unimaginatively insults C.D. Bales (Steve Martin) as "Big Nose", to which C.D. contends he can think of much better witticisms regarding his extraordinary proboscis. The number is established on a throw of darts...

C.D.: All right, all right, 20 something betters. Uh, here goes. Uh, start with, uh, Obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: Everybody take cover! She's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you worse something larger - like Wyoming. Personal: Well here we are - just the three of us. Punctual: All right Delman, your nose was on time, but you were 15 minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh! To be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you; sneeze and it's Goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi! I'm Ed Shive and I can paint that for $39.95. Polite: Uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic, everybody: (The crowd sings at his cue) "He's got the whole world in his nose". Sympathetic: Awww, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Hey, did that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Huh! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: Say, zee pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that? (he is answered - inaccurately - "14 chief!".) All right, all right! Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? (The crowd shouts "16!") Uh, Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! ("17!") Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee - in Brazil. ("18!") Appreciative: Ooooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. ("19!") All right, uh. All right. (To Boor) Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick would it?

Boor: You smart-ass sonofabtich.

C.D.: You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat-head. (Turning his back, C.D. blocks a punch and thumps the dude without a glance.) Has he fallen yet? (Walks out to laughter and massive applause.)

Back to Classic Scene selection

Have Your Say
Register or login now to let us know what you think.

Your Comments

1 Inaccurately
Posted on Tuesday May 13, 2014, 02:06 by jws1272
He was actually at 19, when he asks "How Many?" He did TWENTY-FIVE. My sis & I sat down with our VHS tape of it years ago & counted.......and wrote them down. Read More


CURRENT HIGHLIGHTS
Terminator Genisys: Empire's Verdict
It wants your clothes and your (re)boots

100 Greatest Movie Characters
Your all-time favourite heroes and villains exclusively revealed!

Bonfire Of The Vanities: When Personal Projects Go Wrong
15 hubristic horrors that went straight to movie jail

Podcast 167: Emily Mortimer, Robert Sheehan, Corin Hardy
It's the live Edinburgh special round 2!

The 15 Most Exciting Games Of E3
The greatest games currently winging their way towards a console near you

Hollywood Jackanory: Stars Reading Things Out Of Context
From Ian McKellen vs. One Direction to Hugh Jackman vs. baking innuendos

Before And After: How 10 Books Changed On Their Way To Becoming Movies
...And how their authors reacted

Subscribe to Empire magazine
Empire print magazine

Delivered to your door – with exclusive subscriber only covers each month!

Subscribe and save 44%

Subscribe to Empire iPad edition
Empire digital magazine

Exclusive and enhanced content – get instant access via your iPad or Android device

Subscribe and save 44%

Subscribe now and save up to 67%
Print, Digital & Package options available Subscribe today!
Empire's Film Studies 101 Series
Everything you ever wanted to know about filmmaking but were afraid to ask...
The Empire Digital Edition
With exclusive extras, interactive features, trailers and much more! Download now
Home  |  News  |  Blogs  |  Reviews  |  Future Films  |  Features  |  Interviews  |  Images  |  Competitions  |  Forum  |  Digital Edition  |  Podcast  |  Magazine Contact Us  |  Empire FAQ  |  Subscribe To Empire  |  Register
© Bauer Consumer Media Ltd  |  Legal Info  |  Editorial Complaints  |  Privacy Policy  |  Bauer Entertainment Network
Bauer Consumer Media Ltd (company number 01176085 and registered address 1 Lincoln Court, Lincoln Road, Peterborough, England PE1 2RF)