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Classic Scene

4

FIVE EASY PIECES
"Hold the chicken..."

SETTING THE SCENE  Bobby Dupea has rejected a cultured background and musical career to drift aimlessly, but he agrees to return home to see his invalid father. En route Bobby, girlfriend Rayette and two cranky hitchhikers stop for breakfast at a coffee shop, where Bobby not unreasonably wants some toast…

BOBBY: I’d like a plain omelet, no potatoes, tomatoes instead, a cup of coffee and wheat toast.

WAITRESS: No substitutions.

BOBBY: What do you mean? You don’t have any tomatoes?

WAITRESS: Only what’s on the menu. You can have a Number Two. A plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries and rolls.

BOBBY: Naw, I know what it comes with, but its not what I want.

WAITRESS: Well, I’ll come back when you make up your mind.

BOBBY: Wait a minute, I have made up my mind. I’d like a plain omelet, no potatoes on the plate, a cup of coffee and a side order of wheat toast.

WAITRESS: I’m sorry, we don’t have any side orders of toast. I’ll give you an English muffin or a coffee roll.

BOBBY: What do you mean you don’t make side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don’t you?

WAITRESS: Would you like to talk to the manager?

BOBBY: You’ve got bread? And a toaster of some kind?

WAITRESS: I don’t make the rules.

BOBBY: Okay, I’ll make it as easy for you as I can. I’d like an omelet. Plain. And a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast. No mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.

WAITRESS: A Number Two. Chicken sal san. Hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee.

BOBBY: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and you haven’t broken any rules.

WAITRESS: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?

BOBBY: I want you to hold it between your knees.

WAITRESS: You see that sign sir? Yes, y’all have to leave. I’m not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm. (Bobby puts on his sunglasses)

BOBBY: You see this sign? (He violently swipes everything off the table.)

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