For the purposes of a light-hearted feature on movie Martians, the problem with Total Recall is that there aren’t any actual Martians in it.

Bugger.

Sure, there are some Mars-born human mutants, men with babies on their bellies, and some triple-breasted prostitutes, but as for real, living, honest-to-goodness Martians from the planet Mars? Not so much.

But there’s just no way we couldn’t include Total Recall on this list, it being the most Martian movie anyone could possibly think of, despite its lack of actual Martians. To that end, we’re going to just show you a picture of Marshall Bell as George / Kuato, and challenge you not to vomit. Oh, and not say any of the following three quotes: “See you at the party, Richter!”; “Get your ass to Mars” or “Relax. You'll live longer.” Go on, we dare you.