5.40pm
Penelope Cruz just rocked up, working an Audrey Hepburn ensemble and carrying her own umbrella - don't the stars have People for this sort of thing? Sharon Stone's here too, with hair by Tornado. She has someone else for the whole umbrella bit, and her skirt is the exact same shade as the carpet. Jonathan Woss is here, with curvalicious wife Jane Goldman on his arm, but he's savin' all his lovin' for McLovin, aka Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who's got the crowd reaching whole new levels of excitement. Patrick Stewart's here too, bringing the gravitas. Also bringing a younger bit of totty on his arm.

5.50pm
Just when you thought it couldn't get any more glamorous, we've spotted Thandie Newton on the carpet, being as lovely as ever, and Matthew "Mr Darcy" McFadyen bringing something for the lay-deez. Let's sum up for you all the red carpet interviews to date. How does it feel to be nominated? Great, just such an honour. Thrilled to be even mentioned in the same breath, to be on the same continent, as these other nominees. The nomination was such a surprise, I fell off my chair and broke every bone in my body. I didn't think anyone would even see little ol' me in this little ol' film. I have no chance of winning (self-deprecating smile) but I'm just lip-wibblingly ecstatic to be here.

6.00pm
Gemma Arterton and Shia LaBeouf are here, prompting the assembled crowd to new flurries of insane enthusiasm (think Robert DeNiro's Al Capone in The Untouchables, but without any baseball bats. Yet.). David Frost is here, and Marisa Tomei, and most excitingly of all Kate Winslet has turned up, looking flawlessly 40s. She's helping carry her own umbrella, which makes her less humble than Penelope Cruz but significantly more humble than Sharon Stone by our estimate.

6.10pm
Amy Adams is here, "enchanting" in a rather fetching shade of petrol blue. She's holding her own brolly, putting her high on our nice-movie-stars-ometer. And omigod, Brad and Angelina are here, and the screams have reached fever pitch. They've split up to work the carpet: she's in knee-length fitted black with a citron twist (per James Dyer, Empire's resident style guru) and he's sporting a black silk evening scarf and, less stylishly, that unfortunate Inglourious moustache, which is kind of a shame. We may faint at the waves of sheer charisma they're emitting, even though we're supposed to be shielded here in the press centre. Uh-oh, Daniel Craig and Robert Downey Jr have turned up as well. People are actually breaking the sound barrier with those screams now.

6.20pm
There's Emma Watson and Kristen Scott-Thomas and Emily Mortimer, and there's Mickey Rourke looking like a rock star as usual. We weren't sure if it was snowing there for a moment: in fact, we think it's merely chubby rain. It's possible that the hotness of the stars is melting any snow attempting to fall though. Brad and Angie continue to work the carpet, looking better than we think human beings are supposed to. If lightning strikes them, you'll know that's why.

6.25pm
Someone looks on the verge of tears as he asks for Emma Watson's autograph. Jason Isaacs is here, looking as smooth as ever and prompting another flurry of screaming. Meryl Streep, less so - but the Abba fans are maybe further down the carpet. Mation Cotillard is here, last year's Best Actress winner, and looks a whole lot more relaxed than last time. Goldie Hawn's just arrived, and is officially even more of a rock star than Mickey Rourke in a diamond necklace half the size of the Milky Way - so not quite big enough to cover her cleavage then.

6.30pm
Quick break there for some food - Thai Green Curry or gnocchi for the third year running, but we're not complaining cause it was nice. The show's due to start in just a few moments. So if you'll excuse us, we're going to grab some cheese first. Something about the sight of all these rake-thin celebs just seems to demand it. After all, SOMEONE has to eat something, and it doesn't look like any of this lot ever will.

6.40pm
Jonathan Ross is making his opening remarks to the room, letting them know some housekeeping bits and pieces. He says, "It's an honour to be here, and also a little bit of a surprise", referencing his recent tabloid hounding. He's reminding the audience that they have to clap again when the TV show switches from BBC2 to BBC1 halfway through. Presumably BBC2 gets the technical awards, and then BBC1 gets all the glamorous people. Now some BAFTA bigwigs are thanking everyone. Hmm, we don't seem to have been mentioned by name yet. Ooooh, we've just been given the winners' list but we can't tell you who's on it yet. Cough cough SLUMDOG cough.

6.47pm
And we're starting! Jonathan Ross is onstage: blah blah exciting blah blah delighted blah blah. Ross says "inside I'm shaking like Christian Bale's PA. But I think everyone should give him a break: what people don't realise is that literally minutes before that award he was given a shockingly under-cinnamoned cappuccino." The joke about Robert Downey Jr playing Obama goes down well, as does Wossy's attempts to say "The Reader and Revolutionary Road". Benjamin Button, he says, is "every woman's worst nightmare: while you age, your boyfriend, BRAD PITT, gets younger and better looking every day." He's apparently been arguing with a friend over whether it's a true story; it's not. Jonathan Ross' mentions that his kids use the phrase "harsh your mellow". Apparently Jonathan Ross' kids are in Primal Scream.

6.53pm
It's the montage! All the best bits from this year's films, like, er, Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, as well as some gratuitous male torsos halfway through. Oh, they've got the Colin Farrell hitting a midget bit. Yay! We're a sucker for those montages, us, especially when they feature Wanted heavily. "Take that, Puccini!" indeed.

6.55pm - Best Music
It's Best Music first, and Kylie's presenting! She's comparatively toned down tonight and looking great. Pity the intros are as flat and scripted as ever. Wall-E, Mamma Mia!, Benjamin Button and The Dark Knight are nominated, but it's Slumdog Millionaire that takes home the prize! The first of many? We could tell you, but that would be a total spoiler so we won't. AR Rahman goes onstage to collect the award, and a kiss. "Unbelieveable again!" He thanks everyone, and keeps it short and very sweet.

6.59pm - Short Film and Short Animation
"The Babybel, the fun-size Snickers of the film world", as Ross calls them. Hayley Atwell and Jim Sturgess are presenting. She's in a not-great ruffled thing, he's looking a bit scruffy around the hair. September takes the Short Film award, which is probably well deserved and everything but seems like a shame, cause on the evidence of these clips we were rooting for the one with Guillaume Canet. Still, the winners gave a lovely speech "Short film, short speech" so we think highly of them too. Perennial winners Wallace & Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death unsurprisingly take Best Short Animation. Nick Park really does get value out of his dinner jacket, doesn't he? Park's a bit incoherent but funny: "Our team is the best team in the world. This is for them - although I'm going to keep it.

7.04pm - Best Editing
Eddie Redmayne and Carey Mulligan are presenting this one; another stilted introduction, particularly from Mulligan who lands the wordiest bit of it. The nominees are The Dark Knight, Changeling, Benjamin Button, In Bruges and Frost/Nixon are nominated; Slumdog Millionaire takes the biscuit. A perfectly respectable but rather unexciting speech, so we just won't tell you too much.

7.08pm - Best Sound
Gemma Arterton is presenting, and looking slinky doing it: she's clearly more in St Trinian's mode than Tess of the d'Urbervilles mode. The nominees are The Dark Knight, Wall-E, Changeling and Quantum of Solace; the prize goes to Slumdog Millionaire. What, not Wall-E? Denied! "Thank you so much, it's fantastic." They make sure to thank the whole team and wives and children as well. "Everyone who is behind this, a billion prayers, thank you."

7.12pm - Best Production Design, Best Make-Up and Hair
Ross draws our attention to the production design of the stage tonight - "the winner of the Academy fellowship gets to take this big mask home - and it's made of marzipan!" The "Darcylicious Matthew McFadyen and Emily Mortimer are presenting with a certain amount of panache. Dude can read a teleprompter and make us believe it! Production Design goes to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, prompting a very gracious but rather too lengthy speech. It'll be cut down for TV, just watch. Make Up and Hair also goes to Benjamin Button, in an award that only a weirdo could argue with, so we won't. The winners aren't here, so the speech is very short indeed.

7.18pm - Best Cinematography
"For one of the nominees, tonight is going to be their night. Or day, depending on how they choose to light it" says Ross. Christian Slater's presenting, and is stuck with one of the most high-falutin' introductions yet. Slumdog Millionaire wins, although on the evidence of these clips they all deserved it. Anthony Dod Mantle had a head start, shooting in India, but we've got to give him props for the film but also his bouffant hair and enormous cravat / brooch combo. "Danny, it's been a long road this. Five films, and it doesn't get any easier with you. But you're a man of quality and you're helping me forward. Thank you."

7.21pm - Best Adapted Screenplay
Amy Adams is once again blowing us away with that awesome blue dress. She's reading nicely but a little bit like she's the star of her English class at school. It's another award for Slumdog Millionaire - what a night for that corner of the room! "I've had a complex relationship with this statue for twelve years. I have a plastic one you can buy off eBay; I have a chocolate one I stole from the table here two years ago, and now I have a real one so thank you very much."

7.25pm - The Carl Foreman Award
Thandie Newton's presenting the award for a British Writer, Producer or Director in their first film, which goes to Steve McQueen (no, not that one) for Hunger. He's in a rather natty kilt. "Thank you very much BAFTA. I'd like to say to my mum, you're right, you have to work twice as hard."

7.29pm - Outstanding British Contribution To Cinema
Jason Isaacs is presenting and despite Wossy's invitation to boo this Lucius Malfoy as he comes onstage, there's cheers on all sides. Here's another guy who makes us believe the teleprompter, and the award is going to Pinewood and Shepperton - "It's intimidating to stand in the place where Dr Strangelove learned how to stop worrying and love the bomb, where Superman learned to love Lois and where James Bond learned to love everyone under the age of 25. And then kill them." Cue another montage of all the great films shot at the two. "Unfortunately Pinewood and Shepperton couldn't be here", but the CEO of the pair is. "We're very proud of our part in the heritage of British cinema but we're even more excited about the future." Hear hear.

7.35pm - Best Original Screenplay
Michael Sheen and David Forst are presenting this one together, which is a bit of a mind-frak for everyone else. Sheen promises "Frost/Nixon the Musical. We've got some great songs: Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Scandal in the wind. Who's Kissinger Now? Please impeach me, let me go." Despite Sheen putting on his Frost voice, the banter between them is easy and pretty fun. And the winner is... In Bruges! An Empire favourite. Martin McDonagh can't be here, so the lovely Brendan Gleeson collects for him. "Martin asked me to thank everybody involved in making the movie, including Graham, Colin, Ralph and my good self as well he might. He also asked me to thank and apologise to the people of Bruges which, he says and if you'll pardon my French, isn't really a shithole."

7.40pm - Best Costume Design
Dev Patel and Freida Pinto are pesenting, despite Wossy nearly stepping on Pinto's dress. The Duchess wins, which is fair enough because their clothes were 200% bigger than all the other nominees' costumes put together, and really they deserve props for all that extra work. His speech thanks everyone involved and is very sweet but really there's nothing to

7.43pm - Film Not In The English Language
Marisa Tomei's presenting, wearing the world's sparkliest ever sack and looking great. The nominees are geographically spread out, but despite Rossy's introduction none of them are in Klingon, which is kind of a disappointment. Isn't it weird that Persepolis only gets BAFTA-nominated this year, aaaages after everyone else has finished wreathing it in laurels. I've Loved You So Long takes the prize. "T'ank you so much. I speak very bad English; I am French, you know, and I speak better with a glass of red wine." Possibly our favourite speech so far. Who knew the French could be self-deprecating and funny? Well, lots of people, obviously, but it bears repeating.

7.47pm - Outstanding British Film
Sharon Stone is presenting, despite some awful knotting at the front of her dress that suggests she's been subject to some horrendous nipple-twisting earlier in the day. She's kind of going a bit Nigella and breathy on the nominations. Man On Wire takes this prize, a well-deserved award for a great documentary (and why does BAFTA have no documentary category?). "Thank you so much, this is very unexpected and I'm not prepared. Most especial thanks to Phillippe Petit who is not a special effect; he really did walk between the Twin Towers."

7.52pm
We're switching from BBC2 to BBC1. Except we're not, cause we're watching it live on the feed from downstairs. It's like we're in a time warp! We're going straight on to the second half. In a minute. Or....NOW! Ross cues applause. Those well-trained celebs don't disappoint. "The excitement has been building, along with the pressure on the bladders of our glittering guests. With that in mind, I'd like to talk for half an hour about my passion for 1970s Italian horror, in particular giallo..." We've begun the profiles of the Best Picture nominees with Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, The Reader, Frost/Nixon and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

7.56pm - Best Supporting Actress
James McAvoy is presenting, and a veritable wave of feminine sighs has just run around the press room. Four of the nominees are in the room, so the pressure's intense, but it's Penelope Cruz who gets to hit the stage and get her hands on McAvoy - er, sorry, the statuette. She really is none-more-Hepburn tonight. "I feel really honoured and grateful to receive this. I want to thank Woody for writing such a beautiful lunatic. I want to dedicate this award to the rest of the cast, the most talented and generous group of actors one can dream of, and I also want to thank the other women who are nominated with me tonight, because to say I am in incredible company is a huge understatement." Awww.

8.01pm - Best Special Visual Effects
Emma Watson, a lady well used to visual effects, is presenting the awards. She's just been offered a place at Cambridge - which somehow comes as no surprise. Typecasting much, Hermione? Her intro is one of the more nauseating of the evening though - poor girl drew the short straw. The winner is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, for some incredibly subtle and utterly brilliant ageing / youthing effects. It's one of those long-list-of-names speeches, but they seem nice and hey! They did great work. Whadda we need with speeches?

8.04pm - Best Animated Film
Dominic "Mamma Mia!" Cooper is presenting - we were in the same Greenwich cinema where he went to see Quantum of Solace you know, a few months back. Ahem. He's also got a job to do. But surely it's not the usual Wall-E shoo-in cause Waltz with Bashir and Persepolis are also nominated. So who will it be? It's Wall-E anyway! Yay! Producer Jim Morris collects. "This is a terrific honour, it's fantastic. On behalf of all of us who worked on Wall-E, we're deeply honoured that you recognised our film, and we're very honoured to have been nominated in the company of Persepolis and Waltz With Bashir. Taken together, these three films show the breadth and scope of animation". Classy!

8.08pm - Best Supporting Actor
The awesome Goldie Hawn and her va-va-voom dress is presenting. She makes Sharon Stone look unbreathy and Gemma Arterton look unflirty - but she's having problems with the teleprompter. It's a really good selection of nominees, and there are some great comic performances in there which is ace to see, but there's no doubt who's going to take it, is there? Yup, it's the late, great Heath Ledger. Hawn looks like she's tearing up at that. Charles Roven is collecting the award. "On behalf of Heath's family and all of us who were involved in the making of the Dark Knight, we really thank BAFTA for honouring Heath with this award. Knowing Heath, I know he'd be very humble to be even in the company of the other actors nominated this evening. I was lucky enough to have made two films with Heath. He was, as an actor anda professional and a human being, one of a kind. Thank you." Barely a dry eye in the house.

8.13pm - The Obituaries
Well, if there was a dry eye before, there won't be after this. Charlton Heston, John Daly, Patrick McGoohan, Harold Pinter, Jonathan Bates, Claude Berri, Youssef Chahaine, Anthony Minghella, Jules Dassin, Richard Widmark, Van Johnson, Michael Crichton, Roy Scheider, Malcolm Cooke, Mel Ferrer, Isaac Hayes, John Michael Hayes, Charles Joffe, Harry Lange, Sydney Pollack, Robert Mulligan, Stan Winston, Mark Shivas, Cyd Charisse, Les Ostinelli, Kon Ichikawa, David Watkin, Paul Newman, RIP.

8.17pm - Orange Rising Star Award
Shia LaBeouf, winner last year, presents this one. The nominees are Michael Fassbender, Toby Kebbell, Rebecca Hall, Noel Clarke and Michael Cera. Noel Clarke takes it, which is fair enough because he is a director as well as an actor. Probably the coolest winner of the night so far, and not just because of the white evening scarf. "For all the young fans and people that are voting for me and have got me standing here, you can do this if you work hard and get here. There's only three more words I can say after that, and that's yes. We. Can." Now that's a guy with confidence.

8.22pm - Best Director
Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart, "that wizard and the bloke from Star Trek" are presenting this one: they're going to be in Waiting for Godot later this year you know. "I spent my childhood falling in love with cinema through the work of David Lean, and this award is given in his memory" notes McKellen. We're not sure what else they said; we were so hypnotised by their voices. We'd believe pretty much anything these two told us. It's Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire! "David Lean said you should announce the ambition of your film in the first five minutes. The ambition of my speech is that my dad's wiring blew overnight, so this is a thank you for those who got his extension in so he could watch this...I'd like to thank my family who are here tonight." He then gets heckled by his son - "I love you dad!" - and thanks the producers who gave him his start in theatre. "There's nowhere to go in the end but where you come from, and with that in mind I'd really like to thank BAFTA, thanks very much". What a dude. "Great film, great director, great speech" says Woss. We agree.

8.28pm - Best Actress
Daniel Craig is back in his native tuxedo to present the Best Actress award. Surely it's gotta be... Kate Winslet! Happily, she did NOT split her own vote with double nominations for Revolutionary Road and The Reader, winning for the latter. Looks like Winslet is with her parents, and hugs them both before heading to the stage. She's emotional but in control. "Thank you very, very much. To be given this award at home, this really means a great deal to me. I want to thank everybody involved in the making of this film - they all know who they are, and they all deserve a great big piece of this. I want to share this with Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack - I know I'm not alone in saying that I can't believe they're not still with us. You are much missed today, and you will be much missed for years to come. Thank you!" Nicely done.

8.32pm - Best Actor
Last year's Best Actress winner, Marion Cotillard, is presenting, in a stylish black and white number - but lumbered with another horrible teleprompted introduction. Tough category, but surely it's got to be... Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler! Wow, he even kisses Tomei on his way to the stage, despite the two reportedly not getting along. "It's a pretty statue. Thank you to BAFTA, to Optimum, Fox Searchlight. Darren Aronofsky gave me a second chance after fucking up my career for fifteen years, so I want to thank Darren. I want to thank my agent who put his career in jeopardy by representing me several years ago, I want to thank my publicist for having the hardest job in showbusiness, telling me where to go, what to do, who to fuck. Thanks to Marisa Tomei for putting up with me, taking her clothes off all the time. She's a hell of a talent, I enjoyed looking at her. I want to dedicate this award to an actor who was a great friend of mine, who's not here anymore but his spirit and his talent live on, the great Richard Harris." Speech of the night! The crowd goes nuts.

8.38pm - Best Film
Mick Jagger's presenting, looking preternaturally young. The crowd goes nutser. "You thought Jonathan was going to do all the fucking, but Mickey did it! If you're wondering what I'm doing here, I'm a founder member of the rock-star / movie-star exchange programme. Tonight Sir Ben Kingsley is singing Brown Sugar at the Grammys, and Dame Judi Dench is gamely trashing a hotel room. We're hoping that next week Sir Brad Pitt and all the family will sing The Sound of Music at the Brit awards." It goes to...SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE! What a night for Danny Boyle's film! "Thanks BAFTA for taking our troubled fairytale of a film so much to heart. Slumdog was dragged kicking and screaming into the world against the advice of many by the passion and talent of a few. Danny Boyle dreamed the dream, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for two and a half years, and the film you saw is the film he imagined, and it's not often you see that. The story he told, of courage and compassion, is inspired by the people of one of the world's great cities, so I'd like to share this with the people of Mumbai. Thank you."

8.44pm - Academy Fellowship
Jonathan Pryce is presenting the Academy Fellowship to the awesomely talented and tragically unlucky in filmmaking Terry Gilliam, a man who no force can keep down. "Terry, your worst nightmare is about to come true: you are about to be accepted into the Establishment." Jeff Bridges recorded a message for him - The Dude Abides. "The man who Don Quixote almost killed, the mercurial and miraculous Terry Gilliam!" Hard to think of a more deserving recipient: few people put as much heart and soul into filmmaking as he does. "Oh fuck no, sit down!" That's not fair, standing up is not fair! I'm amazed to be humbled by a piece of metal, but I think I am. I think BAFTA may take it away when they realise I'm not what they think: inside this decaying form is a young filmmaker who just wants to figure out how to do it. Orson Welles called filmmaking the best train-set a boy could ever have. For me, it's one of those terrible skin diseases that you scratch and scratch and it never goes away. When I was watching those clips, I didn't see my fingerprints on it. I saw the actors, writers, designers and editors who make it work, who over the years have managed to convince you that I know what I'm doing. A great part of this has to go to Heath, who unfortunately I knew too well and who died during the making of The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus. Everyone says he was extraordinary, but we only saw the tip of the iceberg of what he was going to be. What we saw this year was Colin Farrell, Jude Law and Johnny Depp came in, finished Heath's part and gave their fees to his daughter, so it's been a miraculous year. So I want to thank my family, and other people's families to. So my kids, thank you for letting me make your life a living hell when I'm working, and it's even worse when I'm not. What seems to happen in films is that the little people never get the thanks they deserve, so tonight I want to thank ALL the little people (produces a hugely long list of thankees, but then names the Time Bandits and Verne Troyer). Thank you for making me feel tall, and thank you BAFTA for making me feel even taller."

8.55pm
Well, that's it, and Ross sums up. "It's a cliche to say that there are no losers, but these are all great films, so thank you all for making such incredible movies and thank you for coming to celebrate these films. If you want more you can turn to BBC4 to watch as they take down the stage in BAFTA: The De-Rig 2009." As the winners head to the stage for the group photo, everyone else gets with the gladhanding and going home. As, indeed, does Empire. Tata for now!