1) The plane's tail cuts a swathe through clouds to the theme music of Jaws.
2) White Zone vs. Red Zone. Voiceover repeats: "No stopping in the Red Zone. The White Zone is for the unloading of passengers only."
3) Man from Religious Consciousness Church asks stewardess for a donation.
4) Argument over the Zones begins: "Listen, Betty, don't start up with your White Zone shit again."
5) Lady asks monks for a donation to the Religious Consciousness Church: "No thanks, we gave at the office."
6) Man going through metal detector is forced to put all metal objects in a dish. He removes steel arm and leg.
7) Red Zone vs. White Zone continues with voices becoming personal. Lady's voice: " You want me to have an abortion." Man's voice: "It's really the only sensible thing to do."
8) Taxi pulls up over the curb. An old man gets in as the driver (Ted) runs off, not before flicking the meter on.
9) Religious Consciousness Church asks Ted for a contribution.
10) Engineer with two pink glowsticks directs the plane.
11) "Larry, where's the forklift?" Engineer mistakenly misdirects the plane when showing where forklift is.
12) Plane crashes into lounge.
13) Ted accosts Elaine at airport and upon being rejected, addresses the camera with, "What a pisser!"
14) Next to 'Fiction' and 'Non-Fiction' on the magazine rack is 'Whacking Material' for porn mags.
15) Captain reads Modern Sperm.
16) Captain directed to white phone by PA system. He picks up the receiver on the red phone. Red phone hollers, "No, the white phone!"
17) Captain about to be put through to Mayo Clinic. He yells, "I've got it," to PA. PA's response is, "Thank you."
18) Captain speaks to a doctor at the Mayo Clinic. Doctor explains that a passenger is scheduled for a heart transplant. A heart is literally beating beside him as he speaks.
19) Heart bounces across the desk.
20) "Get me Hamm on five and hold the Mayo," orders the Captain as he is put through to another call.
21) Elaine declines Ted's advances again. Religious Consciousness Church goes to put a flower on Ted and he punches him in the face.
22) Two pilots in the cockpit. Man appears outside and begins wiping down the windows of plane.
23) Window cleaner lifts up the plane's protector as if it is a car bonnet.
24) Window cleaner falls from the nose of the plane to the Tarmac.
25) Man appears at pilot's window and swipes what looks like a credit card.
26) Man still waiting in the abandoned taxi. Meter still running.
27) When asked if he wants a smoking or non-smoking seat, Ted says smoking. He is handed a 'smoking' plane ticket.
28) Ted experiences a flashback from his time in World War II.
29) Two black men communicate in indecipherable jive on plane.
30) Old lady next to Ted asks him if he is nervous: "First time?" Ted: "No, I've been nervous lots of times."
31) Two lovers embrace goodbye. A porter appears as on a train platform informing him to, "Get on board."
32) Plane takes off as if a train.
33) Lover throws a watch to his girlfriend as plane accelerates.
34) His girlfriend knocks over a stand as she runs alongside plane.
35) Pilots Roger, Victor and Clarence greet one another: "Roger, Roger", "We have clearance, Clarence."
36) Nun seen reading Boys' Life.
37) Young boy reading Nuns' Life with a photo of a nun surfing as its cover.
38) Old lady next to Ted asks stewardess for some "light" reading. She is given a leaflet on "famous Jewish sports legends".
39) Old lady counsels Ted about his ex (Elaine) with a lurid description: "She has supple, pouting breasts..."
40) Ted has another wartime flashback. He describes Drambuieas being "worse than Detroit".
41) Two Girl Guides begin a violent fight over a card game.
42) One of the Girl Guides is hurled down the bar and crashes headfirst into the jukebox.
43) The bar transforms into a cheesy '70s nightclub. Stayin' Alive starts playing as sailors begin to dance in a camp disco fashion.
44) Ted asks guy standing next to him to "pinch me" when he first sees Elaine. Sailor looks suspiciously at him and slinks away.
45) Flashback: One sailor stabs another sailor in the back on the dancefloor.
46) Stabbed sailor's dying throes mimicked by Elaine on dancefloor.
47) Crude whistle blows as Ted confidently discards his hat.
48) Hat comes flying back and hits barman in the face.
49) Ted whips off his jacket and hurls it into crowd on dancefloor, revealing a '70s-style John Travolta get-up.
50) Jacket comes flying back.
51) Ted and Elaine dance. Ted throws Elaine up into the air. 4.5 seconds elapse before she comes back down again.
52) Elaine supports Ted on dancefloor, lifting him up with her hips.
53) Elaine accidentally lets go of Ted. He is flung onto the side of the floor, but bounces back onto dancefloor accompanied by a springboard sound.
54) Ted dances like a suspended puppet, before juggling balls.
55) Girl Guides fight in background.
56) Slow dance begins. Girl Guides' fight spills onto the dancefloor.
57) Old lady listening to Ted's story has ed herself.
58) Black men talk impenetrable jive.
59) A young boy offers a drink to a little girl, with the mannerisms of an adult. "How do you take it?" he asks. "Black... like my men," says the little girl.
60) Elaine's flashback: Replica of From Here To Eternity's beach kiss, although she and Ted get covered in seaweed.
61) Ted refers to "the storage depots at Daiquiri."
62) Little Joey enters cockpit. Captain: "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
63) Joey recognises co-pilot (Roger) as basketball hero Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
64) Joey tells Kareem that his dad doesn't think Kareem workshard enough on defence.
65) Kareem defends himself: "Tell your old man to follow Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!"
66) Captain to Joey: "Do you like movies about gladiators, Joey?"
67) Elaine reflects on past times to Ted: "I remember how I just used to sit on your face and wriggle."
68) Flashback: Ted's psychiatric hospital. Sign: "Pentathol available".
69) Inside hospital: camera moves past a man with thumbs stuck to rails of bed.
70) Elaine: "It's headquarters." Ted: "What is it?" Elaine: "It's a big building with people in it, but that's not important..."
71) Ted shown painting a man running from an explosion with a twisted leg and carrying a baby.
72) Ted feels responsible for the death of six men. Elaine informs him it's seven: George "The Zipper" Zip died that morning.
73) Painting is revealed to be a man posing for Ted.
74) Elaine tells Ted she has "a cute room, with mirrors on the ceiling..."
75) A mad patient tries to tunnel into his bed sheets, screaming, "I've found the tunnel!"
76) Ted informs Elaine that another patient thinks he is Ethel Merman.
77) Cut to Ethal Merman, who sings.
78) Passenger Jim has second cup of coffee. Wife thinks, "Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home."
79) Stewardess borrows the nun's guitar and bumps it into the heads of the passengers as she walks away.
80) Stewardess starts a song for sick girl and knocks out her IV line.
81) Passengers wear corny expressions on their face as song begins. One man hangs upside down from roof of plane.
82) More corny expressions.
83) Child starts having violent spasms.
84) Ted begins another War reflection sitting next to a Japanese soldier.
85) Flashback: Ted high-fives a tribal leader, explaining how it was hard to Westernise them.
86) Tribal leader punches Ted in face.
87) Elaine champions Tupperware products to the women in the tribe: "Keeps hot-dog buns fresh for days."
88) Ted teaches tribe basketball, up to "advanced competitive theory".
89) Tribe start dunking and showing off amazing basketball skills.
BEST JOKE 90) Ted takes a drink and spills it on himself, explaining how it was, "The beginning of his drinking problem."
91) Japanese soldier commits seppuku.
92) Lady with stomach ache exclaims, "I haven't felt this bad since that Ronald Reagan film."
93) Captain to Joey: "Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Joey?"
94) Man throws up after second cup of coffee: "Jim never vomits at home."
95) Stewardess to Leslie Nielsen: "Are you a doctor?" (He has a stethoscope.)
96) Doctor puts out hand. Scissors appear miraculously and instantly.
97) Stomach-ache lady coughs up three eggs. One breaks and a bird flies away.
98) Elaine to doctor: "A hospital! What is it?" Doctor: "It's a big building with patients in it, but that's not important right now."
99) Victor collapses.
100) Captain to doctor: "I can't tell you when we will be able to land." Doctor: "You can tell me. I'm a doctor."
101) Doctor to pilot: "You can't take a guess for another two hours?"
102) Plane shakes. Man gets pie in face.
103) Kareem is removed from the cockpit. He is wearing his basketball kit on his lower half.
104) Doctor describes the sickness: "I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert."
105) Elaine to doctor: "The passengers had a choice of steak or fish." Doctor: "Yes, I remember. I had lasagne."
106) Dead/unconscious pilots are dragged through the body of the plane, right past the freaked passengers.
107) Stewardess bites finger theatrically after reassuring sick man's wife that everything will be okay.
108) Captain recalls he ate fish and gets symptoms as the doctor describes them: fever, drooling, dizziness etc...
109) Captain falls unconscious.
110) Shot of jelly shaking, followed by a woman's breasts jiggling.
111) Lady smears lipstick on her face as plane shakes and moves.
112) Monitor flashes: no smoking for rows 11-21, no sex for rows 13-51.
113) Automatic pilot activated. It's a blow-up doll.
114) McCroskey: "How about some coffee?" Johnny: "No, thanks."
115) McCroskey issues instructions to Stan and Terry, Siamese twins. They try to run off in opposite directions.
116) McCroskey: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."
117) Elaine reads the altitude to ground control as automatic pilot deflates.
118) Elaine instructed to blow into the crotch-level nozzle of automatic pilot.
119) Doctor examines woman whose legs are strapped apart and up in the air.
120) A shocked doctor witnesses Elaine 'blowing' up automatic pilot.
121) Automatic pilot bouncing around as 'blowing' continues.
122) Elaine and automatic pilot both seen smoking cigarettes.
123) Elaine gives an emphatic, "No!" when asked if she can face some unpleasant facts.
124) Ted's "drinking problem" apparent as he pours another drink on himself.
125) Elaine reassures passengers over the PA as unconscious captain is dragged through to back of plane.
126) Elaine: "By the way, is there anyone on board who can fly a plane?"
127) Passengers get hysterical. Topless lady dashes in front of camera.
128) Chaos on plane: nun fights a monk, a swordfight ensues...
129) Paul is attacked by a Labrador while Kramer steps out of mirror.
130) The man next to Ted gets ready to set himself on fire.
131) Man lights match.
132) Stewardess: "There's a problem in the cockpit!" Ted: "The cockpit! What is it?" Stewardess: "It's the little room where the pilot sits."
133) Man blows out match when Ted leaves. And explodes anyway.
134) Ted to doctor: "Surely you can't be serious?" Doctor: "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
135) Doctor and stewardess repeat Ted's words in chorus: "It's an entirely different kind of flying!"
136) Ted scans a hugely exaggerated number of control panels.
137) Man still sitting in abandoned cab. Meter is over $100.
138) A little red plane is manipulated on a ground control whiteboard.
139) McCroskey orders wife to take care of domestic duties as if issuing commands to military.
140) McCroskey adopts an identical pose to the photo of himself behind.
141) Paul and Kramer drive in Mustang. Paul is scarred from the dog attack.
142) The oblivious Kramer hits a cyclist, who is flung over the car.
143) Fake background starts zigzagging all over the screen.
144) Horses appear in background.
145) Ted reads out a flight update including: "Trim, rinse, wash and spin."
146) Plastic Jesus on console of plane covers His eyes in fear.
147) Ted sends plane spiralling out of control trying to turn on landing lights.
148) Two signs flash: "Return To Seat" and "Gobacken Sidonna".
149) McCroskey responds to Ted's call for help: "Mayday, what's that?" "That's the Russian New Year!" says Johnny.
150) Ted flicks a button. Plane levels itself out immediately.
151) Hysterical woman is told to calm down. Passengers file by and take turns hitting her in the face.
152) Kramer arrives at the airport and pushes away member of the Religious Consciousness Church who offers him a flower.
153) Kramer punches out all the charity collectors: Scientologists, Jews For Jesus, nuclear power advocates...
154) Voice sounds out on PA, "No-frills passengers now arriving."
155) Passengers on baggage claim.
156) Kramer on Ted: "He's a menace to everything in the sky. Birds, too."
157) Kramer removes glasses. Reveals another, smaller pair on his face.
158) Spear hits whiteboard as McCroskey and Kramer talk.
159) McCroskey: "Right down to the ground." A watermelon crashes down.
160) McCroskey: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking!"
161) Kramer 'peps' up Ted: "This is a waste of time. There's no way he can do it."
162) Kramer and McCroskey chastise Ted as he listens on the radio.
163) Kramer to Ted: "Flying is like riding a bicycle — it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."
164) Kramer chucks a cigarette butt out the window, causing an explosion.
165) Ted disengages automatic pilot and it floats around the cockpit.
166) Plane starts jumping and crashing through the sky. Lipstick lady smears more make-up over her face.
167) Automatic pilot gropes Elaine's breasts.
168) Doctor's nose starts growing as he reassures the passengers that everything will be alright.
169) Doctor: "The other pilots are free to pursue a life of religious fulfilment."
170) Monitor in plane flashes "A Little Hot" as Ted explains that the engine is "running a little hot".
171) Kramer reassures Ted. A vulture is perched behind Ted's shoulder.
172) Starts raining. Plastic Jesus has erected a cocktail umbrella.
173) Ted on Kramer: "It's a damn good thing you don't know how much I hate your guts." Elaine relays it to Kramer.
174) Old lady says she speaks jive.
175) Black men and old lady talk jive.
176) McCroskey hands Johnny a report asking what he can make of it: "A hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl..."
177) Tower places a call to captain's wife. She is lying in bed with a horse.
178) She tells the horse to let itself out the back door.
179) As Ted tries to concentrate, a baseball commentary runs in his head.
180) Man on plane is told to close the window after trying to turn on the air for his wife.
181) McCroskey tells one of his men to check the radar range. His man opens a microwave to reveal a chicken: "Two more minutes."
182) Kramer declares: "They're on instruments." Cockpit shows Ted, Elaine, doctor and stewardess all playing musical instruments.
183) McCroskey: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."
184) McCroskey to Johnny: "Johnny, more coffee?" Johnny: "No thanks."
185) Reporters burst into tower: "What kind of plane is it?" Johnny: "It's a big pretty white plane with red stripes..."
186) Reporters pilfer photos from walls after one says, "Boys, let's get some pictures."
187) Newspaper headlines flash across the screen including, "Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot."
188) Asian newsman reads bulletin with picture of a crashing plane.
189) A tribesman plays instrument and looks mockingly at camera.
190) Counter Point host says, "I say, let 'em crash."
191) Man offers whisky to old lady. She declines before doing two lines of coke.
192) Ted: "Surely not!" Doctor: "I'm doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley!"
193) Nun sings Respect to jive talkers. One vomits violently into a bag.
194) Stewardess to doctor: "I'm scared. I'm 26 and I'm not married."
195) Wife of sick man: "I've never been so scared, but at least I have a husband."
196) Flashback: includes Ted, bird-men and age-old flying machines...
197) Shit literally hits the fan.
198) Someone says, "It could happen to any pilot." Doctor: "It happened to Barbara Stanwyck."
199) Ted gets automatic pilot in seat.
200) Ted pours drink over face.
201) Doctor tells "real" story of George Zip. Zip had said, "I don't know where I'll be but I won't smell too good."
202) Ted: "I guess the foot's on the other arm now, Kramer."
203) Kramer: "He's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese..."
204) Johnny reads headlines in the paper: "There's a sale at Penney's!"
205) "Me John, Big Tree," says Johnny.
206) "The tower, the tower Rapunzel!" hollers Johnny.
207) Passengers watch a movie with horrific plane crash in it.
208) All the captains shake hands in the control tower.
209) Kramer to another captain: "Get that finger out of your ear. You don't know where that finger's been."
210) Captain's wife is told that he is alive but unconscious. "Just like Gerald Ford!" jests Johnny.
211) Johnny to captain's wife, "Where did you get that dress? It's awful!"
212) Ground control are playing computer games.
213) Kramer orders every light be poured onto the airfield. A truck arrives and pours out old lights and equipment.
214) Emergency equipment races by, including a Budweiser truck.
215) "Air Israel, please leave the runway!" The plane has a beard attached.
216) Stewardess demonstrates how to use the life jacket, which has a duck's head on the front.
217) Plane flies through Chicago, over a building where "disco lives forever".
218) Ted: "I may bend your precious airplane, but I'll get it down."
219) Stewardess told to leave the cockpit because she might get hurt. She is promptly heard smashing into a tray.
220) Kramer says no to the searchlights because, "That's just what they'll be expecting us to do."
221) Captain's wife starts groping Kramer as he gives the directions.
222) McCroskey: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."
223) Ted sweats profusely.
224) McCroskey comes to, rises and then passes out again.
225) Man in control tower takes his washing out of the dryer.
226) Stewardess: "Assume crash position." Passengers twist and contort themselves all over the place.
227) McCroskey upside down.
228) Man on Ted's flying: "He's all over the place. What an asshole."
229) Johnny unplugs the runway lights: "Just kidding!"
230) McCroskey dives out window.
231) Ted does ludicrous control moves.
232) As plane touches down Ted is told to pull the handle. He pulls it clean out of its socket.
233) "Good luck, we're all counting on you," says the doctor to Ted when plane is already on the ground.
234) Geysers of sweat pour from Ted.
235) Loudspeaker: "Flight 209 now arriving at gate 8, gate 9, gate 10..."
236) More geysers of sweat from Ted.
237) Ted hits the brakes as if in a car.
238) Johnny on the phone: "Auntie Em! Toto! It's a twister!"
239) Loudspeaker: "Gate 23, 24, 25..."
240) Group of reporters run into phone booths and knock them all over.
241) Doctor (for third time): "Good luck. We're all counting on you."
242) Ted leaves cockpit as Kramer is speaking on radio about his childhood.
243) Stewardess says, "Have a nice day," as passengers slide down the mat.
244) Kramer still reminiscing.
245) Make-up lady leaves plane.
246) Ambulance screeches away and crashes. Hubcap rolls by.
247) Ted and Elaine embrace and kiss. Automatic pilot winks at them.
248) Plane takes off as a female automatic pilot appears in cockpit.
249) Automatic pilot winks at camera.
250) Crazy closing credits: 'Foreez... A Jolly Good Fellow'; 'Worst Boy... Adolf Hitler'; 'Horse... Windy'; etc.
251) (After credits) Man still sitting in cab: "Well, I'll give him another 20 minutes, but that's it!"