He’s Back, He’s Bad, He’s Black, He’s Mad

Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 12:13 by Chris Hewitt in Off The Wire

For my money, Shane Black may just be the best commercial screenwriter in Hollywood. From the first two Lethal Weapons through to The Monster Squad to The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Last Boy Scout and his wonderful directorial debut, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, nobody else in Hollywood – not even Tarantino – boasts Black's knack for tweaking genre tropes with an ear for tough-guy dialogue worthy of Chandler, Ellroy, Leonard.

So, naturally, I’m delighted by the news that he’s set to reteam with Mel Gibson on the spy thriller, Cold Warrior. And so should you. In case you need some persuasion, here are ten lines of dialogue that will make you glad that Black is back…

1. “Touch me again, and I’ll kill ya.”
Bruce Willis warns Kim Coates’ slap-happy henchman of the consequences of violating his personal bubble in The Last Boy Scout. It’s a laconic threat worthy of Bob Mitchum – and Willis duly delivers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKc8m0apNh4

2. “I was tired, I was pissed, I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.”
Robert Downey Jr, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It’s not known if Drew Barrymore likes this line, but it’s a fair bet she won’t be turning up in Cold Warrior.

3. “Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, ‘Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.’ She said, ‘Why did you say that twice?’ I said, ‘I didn't.’”
Black didn’t write Predator – that honour goes to Jim & John Thomas – but he did nab the role of Hawkins in the Joel Silver-produced movie as part of his Lethal Weapon deal. Although he has limited screen time, Black makes quite an impression with a running gag in which Hawkins tries to make taciturn man-mountain Billy (Sonny Landham) laugh with a series of lewd jokes. This is the best one. Think about it… it’s a grower.

4. “We’re back, we’re bad, he’s black, I’m mad!”
In one glib sentence, Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs sums up the appeal of Lethal Weapon 2’s core duo. Although the Lethal Weapon 2 script is credited to Jeffrey Boam, Black wrote the first draft and confirmed to us that he did indeed write this line. Interestingly, Black intended to kill Riggs off at the end of Lethal Weapon 2; the studio disagreed. So if you’re looking for someone on whom to pin the blame for Lethals 3 and 4, you know where to go.

5. “Wolfman’s got nards!”
Horace (Brent Chalem) finds that you don’t necessarily need silver bullets to deal with a werewolf in the cult classic, The Monster Squad. A good old hefty kick, accurately administered to the swingers, will more than suffice.

6. Mitch Henessey (putting a gun against a thug’s head): “This ain't no ham on rye pal.”
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.”

Renny Harlin may have dropped the ball somewhat on The Long Kiss Goodnight, but the dialogue remains golden – and this beautiful, ever-so-knowing exchange between Samuel L. Jackson’s sleazeball Mitch and Geena Davis’ hard-edged killing machine, Charlie, is my favourite. It addresses an important action movie question: do heroes just come up with one-liners that premier stand-ups would be delighted with off the top of their heads, or do they think about it beforehand?

7. “To be or not to be? Not to be.”
Flawed though Last Action Hero may be, there’s still an enormous amount of fun to be had from its sheer chutzpah and wanton excess. Not many writers would dare to rewrite William Shakespeare, for example – not even for a joke. But in this fake trailer for Hamlet, starring Jack Slater, Black gets away with it. You can imagine the gleam in his eye as he wrote it.

8. “I’m too old for this shit.”
Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) expresses dissatisfaction with the ageing process in Lethal Weapon. Come on, I had to include this one. It’s bloody iconic.

9. “When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.”
Riggs outlines his one special talent, to chilling effect, in the much-darker-than-the-rest Lethal Weapon.

10. “You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.”
Because no Shane Black countdown is complete without a Gay Perry quote.

What about you, readers? Equally pumped about Black’s return and his re-teaming with Gibbo? Which lines of dialogue float your boat? Over to you.