He’s Back, He’s Bad, He’s Black, He’s Mad
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 12:13 by Chris Hewitt in Off The Wire
For my money, Shane Black may just be the best commercial screenwriter in Hollywood. From the first two Lethal Weapons through to The Monster Squad to The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Last Boy Scout and his wonderful directorial debut, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, nobody else in Hollywood – not even Tarantino – boasts Black's knack for tweaking genre tropes with an ear for tough-guy dialogue worthy of Chandler, Ellroy, Leonard.
So, naturally, I’m delighted by the news that he’s set to reteam with Mel Gibson on the spy thriller, Cold Warrior. And so should you. In case you need some persuasion, here are ten lines of dialogue that will make you glad that Black is back…
1. “Touch me again, and I’ll kill ya.”
Bruce Willis warns Kim Coates’ slap-happy henchman of the consequences of violating his personal bubble in The Last Boy Scout. It’s a laconic threat worthy of Bob Mitchum – and Willis duly delivers.
2. “I was tired, I was pissed, I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.”
Robert Downey Jr, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It’s not known if Drew Barrymore likes this line, but it’s a fair bet she won’t be turning up in Cold Warrior.
3. “Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, ‘Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.’ She said, ‘Why did you say that twice?’ I said, ‘I didn't.’”
Black didn’t write Predator – that honour goes to Jim & John Thomas – but he did nab the role of Hawkins in the Joel Silver-produced movie as part of his Lethal Weapon deal. Although he has limited screen time, Black makes quite an impression with a running gag in which Hawkins tries to make taciturn man-mountain Billy (Sonny Landham) laugh with a series of lewd jokes. This is the best one. Think about it… it’s a grower.
4. “We’re back, we’re bad, he’s black, I’m mad!”
In one glib sentence, Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs sums up the appeal of Lethal Weapon 2’s core duo. Although the Lethal Weapon 2 script is credited to Jeffrey Boam, Black wrote the first draft and confirmed to us that he did indeed write this line. Interestingly, Black intended to kill Riggs off at the end of Lethal Weapon 2; the studio disagreed. So if you’re looking for someone on whom to pin the blame for Lethals 3 and 4, you know where to go.
5. “Wolfman’s got nards!”
Horace (Brent Chalem) finds that you don’t necessarily need silver bullets to deal with a werewolf in the cult classic, The Monster Squad. A good old hefty kick, accurately administered to the swingers, will more than suffice.
6. Mitch Henessey (putting a gun against a thug’s head): “This ain't no ham on rye pal.”
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.”
Renny Harlin may have dropped the ball somewhat on The Long Kiss Goodnight, but the dialogue remains golden – and this beautiful, ever-so-knowing exchange between Samuel L. Jackson’s sleazeball Mitch and Geena Davis’ hard-edged killing machine, Charlie, is my favourite. It addresses an important action movie question: do heroes just come up with one-liners that premier stand-ups would be delighted with off the top of their heads, or do they think about it beforehand?
7. “To be or not to be? Not to be.”
Flawed though Last Action Hero may be, there’s still an enormous amount of fun to be had from its sheer chutzpah and wanton excess. Not many writers would dare to rewrite William Shakespeare, for example – not even for a joke. But in this fake trailer for Hamlet, starring Jack Slater, Black gets away with it. You can imagine the gleam in his eye as he wrote it.
8. “I’m too old for this shit.”
Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) expresses dissatisfaction with the ageing process in Lethal Weapon. Come on, I had to include this one. It’s bloody iconic.
9. “When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.”
Riggs outlines his one special talent, to chilling effect, in the much-darker-than-the-rest Lethal Weapon.
10. “You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.”
Because no Shane Black countdown is complete without a Gay Perry quote.
What about you, readers? Equally pumped about Black’s return and his re-teaming with Gibbo? Which lines of dialogue float your boat? Over to you.
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Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 14:11
Always loved this dozy from The Last Boy Scout...
"Sure, sure it just happened. The floor was wet, you slipped and accidently stuck your dick in my wife. Whoops, I'm sorry Mrs H I guess this just isn't my week"
Not to mention...
Jimmy "Was that C4"
Joe "Either that or a hell of a factory recall"
Jimmy "Dead guys don't make bad jokes do they?"
Jimmy "Shit we're alive!"
Why oh why isn't Last Boy Scout more loved than it is???
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 14:20
That's only 10! Five are missing...
Literally ANY line from KKBB would do!
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 15:19
"Where you goin?"
"Bathroom. Wanna come, the Doc said I shouldent lift anything heavy."
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 15:37
couple more Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang quotes.. just cos Gay Perry is so absurdly ace...
Harry: Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's
[talking about using gloves to move a corpse]
Harry: Okay... uh, any particular kind of gloves?
Perry: Yes... fawn...will you fucking hurry?
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 16:05
I love Jimmy's line from Last Boy Scout: "You ain't fat, you just a whole lotta woman."
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 16:26
From The Long Kiss Goodnight:
Charlie: "Are you thinking what i'm thinking?"
Mitch: "I hope not, 'cause right now i'm thinking about how much my balls hurt!"
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 16:50
One of the classic scenes on the last page of Empire was the scene from Last Boy Scout, with Bruce Willis being a smart ass as usual outside a club, still one of my favourites. I really don't understand why this film gets overlooked so much, it's my favourite Willis film and will definetly be on some sort of ''best of list'' for me.
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 17:58
I agree that one could put the entire script of KKBB right here. Pure gold.
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 18:53
Last Boy Scout is full of goodness:
"We're being beaten up by the inventors of Scrabble!"
"No, I'm fuckface, he's asshole"
"What are we gonna do?"
"Go really, really fast"
"I think I fucked a squirrel to death"
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 19:29
Black has always been pretty much the one-liner king as screenwriters go.
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 19:29
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang:
Harry: Still Gay?
Perry: No I'm knee deep in pussy I just can't loose the name.
Posted on Friday January 29, 2010, 03:01
Perry:Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No - The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!
Actress: So what do you do for a living?
Harry: I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid.
Harry: Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?
Perry: Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.
Perry: Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.
Posted on Friday January 29, 2010, 05:53
"5 Chris Hewitt
Posted on Thursday January 28, 2010, 16:05
I love Jimmy's line from Last Boy Scout: "You ain't fat, you just a whole lotta woman.""
Yeah, I was also saying this last night to a friend of mine.
that and "Nobody likes you, everybody hates you. You're gonna lose.
Smile, you fuck"
Not exactly laugh out loud funny, but a more perfect line to describe self-loathing you will not find.
"You spilt my warm cup o' piss"
Sam Jackson in Long Kiss Goodnight (to the tune of Mannish Boy)
"Got a gun in my pocket,
got one in my hand too,
don't nobody wanna mess with me,
Cos you know just what I'm gonna,
Cos I'm a
God I literally go on all day with Shane Black quotes
Posted on Friday January 29, 2010, 09:52
"Okay what would Joe do? Kill everyone and smoke some cigarettes."
Posted on Friday January 29, 2010, 12:45
any excuse for Last Boy Scout Quotage: -
Milo: Hey Mother Fucker
Joe: Milo? Where you calling from? The bottom of the pool?
Jimmy: I'm drawing them a picture....there
Joe: That doesn't look like a bomb it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. Show em that they'll think don't open the briefcase its full of fresh fruit...........
Joe: forgot to tell you, "Bom" means fuck you in polish
Jimmy: Thats not funny i almost bought it there
Joe: Tragic loss to the art world i can tell you!
and a favourite
goon: Nothing personal
Joe: thats what you think, last night i fucked your wife
Goon: Now how d'you know she was my wife
Joe: she said her husband was the big pimp looking mutha fucka in a hat
Goon: you're real smart for a man about to take a bullet
Joe: after fucking your wife i'll take 2
Posted on Friday January 29, 2010, 13:15
"are we going to die mummy?"
"No, they are"
now thats what I call parenting
Posted on Sunday January 31, 2010, 13:37
Always loved this interplay between Milo and Joe in Last Boy Scout:-
Milo: Just once, I would love to hear you scream in pain.
Joe: (pause) Play some rap music.
And my mates always use the choice for any punishment/drinking forfeit - "Head or gut?"
Posted on Sunday January 31, 2010, 14:12
always loved this one from long kiss goodnight...
"I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest."