Monopoly In The Dark: The Alternative Blade

Monopoly In The Dark: The Alternative Blade

Posted on Friday January 21, 2011, 10:57 by Chris Hewitt in Empire States

It’s arguably one of the greatest pay-off lines in movie history. It’s certainly one of the most bizarre.

Wesley Snipes' Blade, the half-human, half-vampire Daywalker, has finally – after a titanic struggle which saw more broken limbs than your average 1970s Leeds United match, and during which he almost lost his sunglasses – dispatched his nemesis, Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) by pumping gallons of anti-coagulant serum into his system. (Via, I should add, a series of nifty quick throws and finally a roundhouse kick that arrows a dart into Frost’s forehead.)

Not bad for a guy called Eric.

Then, as all movie heroes are contractually obliged to do, he delivers a payoff line. A payoff line is a line of cool, dismissive dialogue designed to show how spontaneous and clever and witty the hero is and not, it should be added, to make him look like a cold, callous bastard who trivialises murder. The ideal payoff line should a) involve a pun, b) incorporate the method of dispatch somehow or c) both.

Arnie was the master of this. Throw a knife into someone, pinning them to a door? “Stick around.” Drop someone off a cliff? “I let him go.” Shoot an, erm, alligator? “You’re luggage.”

So Blade – sorry, Eric – should go down this route. Look at Frost, swelling up like Ricky Gervais’ ego, becoming one giant throbbing corpuscle about to explode, and say something like:

“You’re bloody ugly.” (This works on two levels, like The Matrix Revolutions, because Frost is now ugly and also almost entirely made up of blood)

“I know your blood type. No negative.”

What Blade almost certainly should not say is:

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”

And yet he does. “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.” And says it like he means it. He says it like he’s practiced it. Like he’s stood at home, looking into the mirror in which – thanks to his human blood – he can actually see his reflection and whiled away an afternoon Travis Bickling to his heart’s content. And the best line he could come up with, the one he filed away in the part of his brain marked Cool Line I Should Say If I Ever Get To Kill My Arch-Nemesis, Deacon Frost is:

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”

It’s not just a non-sequitur. It’s the king, queen and court of non-sequiturs. It comes out of the field to the left of leftfield. Poor old Frost. There he is, about to literally pop his clogs, and the last thing that goes through his mind must be, ‘What did he just say? Did he say some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”

Well, it’s simple. Ice-skating uphill is an ill-advised activity. It is very difficult. It should not be attempted. If you attempt it, you are a fool and very possibly a twat. Blade/Eric equates this to the act of trying to kill Blade/Eric. Hence, some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.

Now, I love Blade. And the essential genius and oddness of that line – written by David S. Goyer, unless Snipes is going to claim adlib rights – is just one of the reasons why I love it. But I’ve often thought about what Eric rejected on that jolly afternoon spent in front of the mirror.

So, here, with suggestions from Empire readers via Twitter, are the Top 10 Rejected Blade Payoff Lines.

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to play Monopoly in the dark.” (from @ctah1976. OK, that’s me, but there you go)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to build IKEA furniture without instructions” (from @bjorwesToon)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to say too much in 140 characters or less.” (from @keithyt1999)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to eat spaghetti with a dildo.” (from @DanTurner23 – this one doesn’t bear thinking about)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to chat up a lesbian in a gay bar.” (from @Discuss_Cinema)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to play charades with amputees.” (from @TheFunnyJosh)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to make coffee with cold water.” (from @HoveHousewife)
“Some ice-skaters are always trying fuck mothers up hills.” (from @scandb)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to learn the oboe in a wardrobe!” (from @fuzzcaminski)
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to avoid paying their taxes.” (from more people than I care to mention; you know who you are)

So, any more? Put yourself in Eric’s shoes. You’re standing in front of a mirror. Possibly twirling around your nifty sword. What do you say? What do you say…?