Ireland For Sale
Posted on Monday November 22, 2010, 17:26 by Chris Hewitt in Empire States
So, in case you haven’t been following the news lately, Ireland’s in a spot of financial bother. The sort of bother that means they’ve had to go straight past those lovely people from Wonga.com, and go cap in hand to the EU for some bailout money. Lots of bailout money. All the bailout money in the world, as far as we can tell.
But did it really have to come to this? Ireland is a beautiful country, steeped in cultural and cinematic treasures, and could make a bob or two by flogging those to the highest bidder. How much, for example, are the following little beauties worth?
Colin Farrell’s little black book
Although Ireland’s most legendary pork swordsman has never really made a habit of notching up A-listers (at least, that we know of), his list of conquests includes some of the world’s most beautiful women and would make Warren Beatty green with envy. His little black book would be like your very own, ultra-exclusive, dating site. Alternatively, sell off the movie rights to his sex tape. We recommend The Stath as Farrell.
Asking price: £2 million
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers’ mad scary eyes
Need to look into the soul of your opponent and learn their innermost thoughts and secrets? Simply shell out for the intense peepers of the Mission: Impossible 3 star. You could be like Ray Milland in The Man With The X-Ray Eyes, only even more bulging and weird. Warning: the eyes are unable to pick out good scripts.
Asking price: £500,000
As we all know, Ireland is the most beautiful country in the earth, bedecked liberally with valleys and fields and forests and vales and glens and meadows and mountains and waterfalls and flyovers and rubbish dumps that fair take the breath away. So they should just sell, or rent, their scenery to Hollywood’s biggest blockbusters. A sort of forty-shades-of-greenscreen, if you will.
Asking price: £20 per tree
Are you making a fantasy epic? Do you need a wise old wizard to come on halfway through and espouse a ton of exposition about goblins, gremlins, horcruxes and whatnot? Then you need an Albus Dumbledore. Wise, kind ancient and blessed with an astonishing beard, the Albus Dumbledore will bring much-needed gravitas to any scene involving magical gobbledegook. And yes, although the Harry Potter movies are filled with Brits, Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore is as Irish as Mary off of The X Factor. Sell! Sell! Sell!
Asking price: £3 million per movie
Gerry Butler in P.S. I Love You. Matthew Goode in Leap Year. Tom Cruise in Far & Away. Warwick Davis in Leprechaun. Sean Connery in Darby O’Gill & The Little People (and, for good measure, The Untouchables). Julia Roberts in Mary Reilly. All incredible actors – and Warwick Davis – who’ve floundered horrendously when it comes to sporting an Irish accent on film, begorrahing their way into movie infamy. Butler, in particular, has an accent so bad you keep expecting the movie to break out into a Guinness commercial. Our solution? Simply get the likes of Michael Fassbender, Terry Wogan, Graham Norton, Pierce Brosnan and that guy from the Paddy Power adverts to give Hollywood stars some much-needed dialogue coaching. Or, failing that, just re-record their lines.
Asking price: £5 million per film
If Ireland’s really desperate for cash, it could always sell craic. (And yes, a version of this joke appeared earlier on Twitter...)
Asking price: Whatever [CENSORED] is willing to pay.
By our reckoning, we’re at least £10 billion along the way towards alleviating the deficit. Every little bit helps. Any more suggestions, readers? Ireland needs you!
(NB: For the easily-outraged out there, I'm Irish. And one of the great traits of the Irish is to laugh at ourselves. Not to manage finances, though. Apparently.)
Login or register to comment.
Posted on Monday November 22, 2010, 19:51
Richard Harris was also Irish!! And Evanna Lynch, Brendan and Domhnall Gleeson, and that kid who plays Seamus (just while on the Potter topic)
Oh, and don't forget the man from the Brennan's Bread ads!
Posted on Monday November 22, 2010, 20:25
Don't forget Fiona Shaw kinkykeeks, she's a Cork woman. I guess if ye wanted to be picky you could say Kenny Branagh as he's a Belfast man (same island so he counts). Although I must say well done Empire, not a lotta people know or would count Gambon as Irish although as you rightly point out he does belong on this side of the Irish Sea
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 00:21
Brian Cowen could give up his fee for playing the cave troll in Fellowship
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 01:08
Ideas to get the Emeral Island back on its feet (To the lovely people of Ireland, keep perspective that this is by far not the worst thing to happen to you)
1. Make RyanAir a free airline for many million flights here on. It's not like it is most profitable business line anyway. It's payback time bitches!
2. Massive Free Global Tour of Irish music acts. Headliners: U2, The Cranberries, Sinead, Van Morrison, Damien Rice, Snow Patrol, you name it. (well, this could actually be charged for, but it WILL provide with economic benefits to everyone who goes)
3. Telethon with all major Irish stars. It will sound preposterous to hold one for a developed country, but ladies will have trouble trying to deny anything to Gabriel Byrne's voice or Liam's. The younger ones, will be powerless to Cillian Murphy's stare. And us the males? oh, we are going to provide Ireland even with what it doesn't need. I won't mention names, but it's going to be a parade of dreamy eyes that will deprive men overseas (even the British) of their Freedom to decide.
Excuse me for the hypherbole.
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 11:49
Bono's gonna start campaigning for our debt relief.
If that doesn't work, we're sending Liam Neeson over to sort out the German and French bankers. That guy doesn't mess around!
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 14:25
Or we could vote for a Government that aren't all thieving, conniving, con-men bent on lining their own pockets with tax payers money...
...oh I just woke up....
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 14:30
Worst Irish accent in recent times though has to go to Jim Broadbent in Perrier's Bounty (film sucked too)
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 17:36
I began reading screwedsocialist's post and I was enormously irked at the patronising content: ("Ideas to get the Emeral Island back on its feet (To the lovely people of Ireland, keep perspective that this is by far not the worst thing to happen to you)" ... Sound.
Ar aon nós, dá mbeadh tú ar ais abhaile, ní bheadh tú ag gáire... Tá sé ró-luath chun rudaí é sin a scríobh agus ní aointaím leis on píosa sin ar chur ar bith. Is náire mór é go bhfuil Éireannaigh i Shassanna agus áiteanna eile ag gáire agus ag magadh a háit dúchais. Tá an Ríaltas ag titim agus tá an-chuid de muintir na hÉireann ag comhlint ó lá go lá sna laetheanta anuas le hairgead agus rudaí mar sin. An bhfuil cursaí san oifig Empire cómh-leadránach nach bhfuil aon rud eile a bíodh á dhéanamh agat?
Tá díomá orm faoi seo. Ní raibh sé griannmhar in aon chur.
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 19:30
Have to disagree with you there Bill Clay, the "winner" of that one is Kim Catrall in A Tigers Tail
Posted on Tuesday November 23, 2010, 23:14
Barry, tá sé chomh aisteach gaeilge a fheicail ar Empire....tá sé iontach!! Ar ndóigh tá an ábhar aisteach agus níl aon ceaingailt ag scannan le cúrsaí polaitiúil ach ní cheapam go raibh an fear/bean sin ag iarraidh aon dhuine a chur amach mar gheall air?!
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 01:52
Pierce Brosnan left Ireland as a kid and he's been gone so many years that he doesn't really know how to do a good Irish accent anymore. (His Irish accent in Evelyn was awful). Maybe we could pimp out Cheryl Cole to some Arabs and raise a few squillion that way.
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 04:44
Damn! Did I sounded patronizing? I am a fuck up, please excuse me (and I mean this in a totally honest-to-word way, please, I know apologies are not Internet's strong suits). If it came out poorly worded (to say the least, now I am beggining to realize), I can only blame it on the stupid shit I manage to come up with when it's late in here, but there ain't never such a thing as a good excuse. So I apologize once again, I meant it in totally the opposite sense, precisely because I want to live in Ireland. I kind of still in love with the romantic picture of Ireland and its people (though I've read Helen O'Hara's posts on how Ireland has been patronized in Hollywood... like almost any other... everything and anyone) and so I go: Seriously, I tend to rank countries according to what good things they have gaven us, and thus Ireland has: Wilde, Beckett, Yeats, U2, Cillian Murphy, Brendan Gleeson, Paul Greengrass, Saoirse Ronan, Van Morrison. Not to count descendants... Thanks to those people, the whole world can include an entire, somewhat distant and relatively small country (in population size I mean) deeply ingrained in its collective imaginary, something even superpowers could have a hard time trying to do (ask Russia)
So the rest is just bullshit stupid selection of words I've made. I really want to see Ireland getting out of that hole, cause it's enough shit for one country to take (the same way I feel for Poland... or the whole of Europe). I want to be there soon, even though the shit is hitting the fan. So once again: I am really sorry, in the end, I was patronizing a culture that I might (hopefully) descend from (unconfirmed origin of a certain ancestor), and I really would like to know where to get a book on Irish Grammar. And the last thing anyone needs in times like these is ignorant nonsense
But there's one thing everyone can agree with me, and that I won't take back: Fuck RyanAir.
Anyway, You'll get over this. Your hearts are in your eyes anyway.
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 06:46
I'll donate my savings to the Irish economy if the BBC restores The Film Programme's pre-1999 level of integrity and stop this current bastardisation dead in its tracks.
Hint hint, Chris?
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 10:16
Good comments so far, and you've all taken the piece in the spirit in which it was written. Which is a refreshing change these days. (Cue avalanche of 'die, Hewitt, die!' comments)
Concise, I'm guessing that you don't like the new show. Call me a psychic, but I'm getting that vibe. Sorry you don't like it or, presumably, my part in it, but there you go.
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 13:33
Completely forgot about A Tiger's Tale, perhaps understandably so :)
God, Irish films suck, with the notable exceptions of Kings and The Garage.
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 17:10
Ryanair has one of the world's greatest business plans and Michael O' Leary is one of Europe's best businessmen...
The Ryanair Model:
We are going to make your flight more uncomfortable than a bus journey, we will charge you for every conceivable extra, we will not even supply baskets at the backs of the seats as that would take extra time to clean. We will not be particularly pleasant to you. We will not fly you anywhere near to where you are going. We are aware that the bus from Beauvais to Paris takes about as long as the flight from Dublin to Paris. So if you don't like it, fly with someone else... What's that? You're willing to put up with all of our crap because we're miles cheaper than anyone else? Well, ok, buy a ticket so, but don't say we didn't warn you.
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 17:16
@Barry, indairire, na bi ag caint mar seo, is feidir cursai a bheith i bfhad nios measa na mar ata siad. Mar shampla, We could be f**cking North Korean!
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 17:31
Bíodh cursaí i bhfad níos fearr freisin...
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 18:43
From Little Miss Sunshine, to be said to your boyfriend/girlfriend
"I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality."
and my all time favourite to be used as frequent as you want in any situation of your choice:
"Everyone, just...pretend to be normal"
And I often use one from Friends that Phoebe says:
"I wish I could stay and help you but I don't want to"
Posted on Wednesday November 24, 2010, 20:20
If we go by Hellboy 2, there's a hidden cave of treasure under the giant's causeway. R.O.I, invade northern Ireland and pillage their elfin causeway for all it's worth.
Posted on Thursday November 25, 2010, 01:10
The Universe has a way of compensating itself, in order not to make something too good or too repellent. This model applies to countries: For example, Canada (French Canada to be precise) first gave us Leonard Cohen. But then, the mechanics of the Universe agreed that him alone was too much great things for one country to give to the rest of the world, it was mandatory to balance it out. So what came? Celine Dion.
So considering everything good that Ireland has given us (once again, apologetic sutff for stupid shit I wrote above); it was thought: "So how can we possibly balance this whole thing out, Ireland needs to give something bad to the world" And no, the whole IRA terrorism wasn't good enough, they needed something everyone could hate. And then, a bastard decided, "Hey, how can I drag Ireland's good name across the floor" And so he came out with the devilish-most plan: Why, An Airline! And the rest is history.
Ah fuck it. Blaming Ireland for Ryanair would be like blaming Mexico for drug addictions: Is it the pig's fault or the pig's feeder? Cillian Murphy still beats shitty air rides
Posted on Thursday November 25, 2010, 13:36
Maybe they could get the likes of Bono to pay taxes. I seem to recall that income from "the Arts" isn't taxed, so Bono gets his millions tax-free.
Happily, he doesn't let that stop him from lecturing the rest of us about what to do with our own meagre earnings.
Posted on Thursday November 25, 2010, 15:52
InvisibleDuncan, funny you should mention that...
In the National Recovery Plan published yesterday, the Artist's Income tax Exemption in Ireland is being abolished.
Posted on Thursday November 25, 2010, 20:40
@Bill Clay, I agree that a significant amount of Irish films suck but no love for Adam and Paul or Intermission?
As for fixing the current situation in Ireland, I'd love to be blasé about it and crack some jokes but when I'm looking around me at the amount of people who are being hurt, marginalised and forgotten by their State (mostly the most vulnerable and weakest sections of society; the ill, the poor, the working classes) in order to keep a select few in their millions all I feel is anger and sadness. Ireland is dying and it really feels like there's nothing anyone can do about it. Sorry to bring the mood down.
Posted on Thursday November 25, 2010, 23:10
@Mr Underhill " Ireland is dying and it really feels like there's nothing anyone can do about it" It's that True? How bad is it... I mean, is it apocaliptically bad or "It will take years to recover" bad?
Posted on Wednesday December 1, 2010, 20:16
Artists exemption isn't abolished completely, first €40,000 of earnings is still tax free. They claim its so the "artists" won't be living on the poverty line but since I am, unfortunately, in the line of work that has to deal with this stupid exemption, I can say with complete certainty that not will 90% of these supposed artists never be anywhere near the poverty line, the 10% that would, have secondary jobs to make up their earnings.
Its all a load of bull.
@Bill Clay 7 Mr Underhill
What about War of the Buttons, I Went Down, Into the West, The Commitments, My Left Foot,Michael Collins, In the name of the Father, In Bruges.... Theres a massive heap of fantastic Irish movies out there!
Posted on Saturday December 11, 2010, 06:41
Funny shit like this makes me proud to be irish. Hahaha it's so funny when u see actors fail at irish accents. But in fairness kudos to people like Kelly MacDonald in Intermission and James McAvoy in Inside I'm Dancing. Both of them absolutely nailed the dublin accent. Being from Dublin myself i'd say most foreigners who attempt the accent are awful. Yet in saying that i'd rather hear them fail at a dub accent than a feckin' country accent. Come on! American's specifically. Give us a break. But yeah on a serious note i would like to see more films filmed in Ireland because they always ask for extras *fingers crossed*. Hopefully they could shoot another massive medieval fight scene like in Braveheart and use the irish army as the soldiers as they did in that film. You know just give them something to do. No. That's just jokes you guys. They really are a brilliant defense force. They just choose to be hired to fight faux battles in movies. Actually that's a good financial plan. Just loan the Irish army to big blockbuster action films and we'll sort the debt out in no time. Next big WW2 film here we come!!!
Posted on Saturday December 11, 2010, 06:57
@Barry hahaha Tá mé ar do thaobh mo dheartair Eirineach. fiú má tá éirean i bhfiacha, faighimid DVD agus CD scaoileadh ar de hAoine, ach faigheann Bhreatain iad trí lá níos déanaí. i.e. Tá muid níos fearr. Mwahahahaha
Posted on Monday December 13, 2010, 21:08
Mr Sociologist, (or is it Screwed?),
Thank you for your positive comments toward our achingly beautiful little country. Always nice to hear one of your lot (I'm assuming British) praising the place without wanting to invade it shortly afterwards.....I refer, of course, to the legions of stag-parties we have to endure! Although seen as we gave you Louis Walsh and Jedward....invade away lads, we'll call it even.
Staring down the barrel of what feels like the first days of the rest our lives, it will be interesting to see what sort of country this will be when we get through all of this. Hopefully we'll go back to being the country everyone loved, ya know the one, full of people who basically didn't give much of a f#@k, and revelled in being a bit different sure.
Maybe it'll go back to the country that spawned Morrison, Lynott, Rory Gallagher and that Bono lad and his mates. We do seem to come up with the goods better when our backs are to the wall.
Although, maybe we'll cling to our Celtic Tiger twatishness and redouble our efforts to be just like every other bunch of plastic pansies out there with renewed fervour (we now have an Irish version of The Hills, it's called Fade St and is so unintentionally funny it could be the next The Room.......youtube it).
Come what may though, it's good to feel the love.
Oh and Mr Underhill, Ireland is not dying, we're just seriously f#@kin hungover.......and we know hangovers.
Kind regards and good health,
Ps. Should any location/casting scout be reading this thinking about filming here I'll make you the following offer: Full use of our government as extras in the most brutal innards strewn battle scene you can conjure, I'm talking more blood and body parts than Saving Private Ryan and Braveheart combined in a food processor, with just one stipulation......use of live ammo mandatory!