Hitchcock Or Hitchrocks? | The Empire Blog

Hitchcock Or Hitchrocks?

Posted on Wednesday September 19, 2007, 11:42 by Glen Ferris in Empire States

With Disturbia reimagining Rear Window for the Asbo-savvy teen generation, I got to thinking whether taking inspiration from Alfred Hitchcock is ever a good idea. Sure the Shia LeBeouf vehicle makes a good fist of it but with a possibly ill-advised remake of The Birds in the works and the fat man's back catalogue providing inspiration for the most unlikely projects, how many Hitch homages should have been put out of their misery?

Psycho (1998)
What’s the plot? Crook on the run Marion Crane (Anne Heche), checks into the lonely Bates Motel, where stuffed animals and strategically hung pictures make up the chintzy demo and the sum total of the friendly staff comprises timid Norman (Vince Vaughn) and his little-seen mother. A touch of onanism later, it’s time for a slash in the shower and some self-loathing as Norman tries to clean up his mother’s dirty work.

Was it worth it? No. No it wasn’t. Gus Van Sant’s shot-by-shot remake of the 1960 original may polish some of the tricksier shots but the appalling casting and the ever-present question of “Why bother?” hangs over the whole thing like the stench of a rotting mater familias.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? As evidenced by Vaughn’s vigorous wanking scene, it’s a horror for all the wrong reasons.

Rear Window (1998)
What’s the plot? When recently paralyzed architect and now full-time voyeur Jason Kemp (Christopher Reeve) believes he has witnessed a murder from his apartment window, he talks his friend Claudia (Daryl Hannah) into checking out what shenanigans took place across the way. But things soon turn nasty as the unfriendly neighbour turns his homicidal attentions to the wheelchair-bound twitcher.

Was it worth it? Well, it’s a TV movie so the low-budget look is kinda justified and there’s a certain ghoulish interest in seeing Reeve act post riding accident (he does a decent job by the way). That said, it’s mostly devoid of shocks and unravels at a leaden pace - the Jimmy Stewart original remains unscathed.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? Not bad but not good, better stick with the original.

Throw Momma From The Train (1987)
What’s the plot? Larry Donner (Billy Crystal) is an author and English professor with a literary grudge against his ex-wife. Owen Lift (Danny DeVito), one of Larry’s mature students, is suffering from the overbearing demands of his obnoxious mother. When Owen offers to kill Larry’s subject of malice in return for defenestrating mater from a moving locomotive, the writer thinks it’s a joke – that’s until his ex goes missing and the pupil expects his favour repaid.

Was it worth it? A comedy remake of Strangers On A Train (1951), DeVito’s cinematic directorial debut works surprisingly well thanks to spirited turns from the leads and a ferocious performance from The Goonies’ Anne Ramsey (surely a contender for the most unpleasant character actor of all time). The fact it plays for funnies rather than thrills diverts it away from direct comparisons with the Master.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? Momma Fratelli’s in it – of course it rocks!

A Perfect Murder (1998)
What’s the plot? Wealthy industrialist Steven Taylor (Michael Douglas) has it all – except the fidelity of his young trophy wife Emily (Gwyneth Paltrow). On discovering his unfaithful missus is having it away with an artist (Viggo Mortensen in his second Hitchcock remake after Van Sant’s Psycho), Taylor decides the only way to ensure his lady’s faithfulness is to have her killed.

Was it worth it? A remake of one of Hitch’s more pedestrian thrillers, Dial M For Murder (1954), Andrew Davis’ version takes away the stagey constrictions and paints over the cracks with a very Hollywood gloss. The double-crossing plot plays out the same but a wise move away from the big-boned director’s MO ensures this effort stands on its own merits.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? Surprisingly it’s a decent little thriller.

The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997)
What’s The Plot? Wallace Ritchie (Bill Murray) is an American on holiday in London who gets caught up in a most elaborate spy game - a plot to kick-start a second cold war by killing off some Russian dignitaries. The problem is Wallace thinks it’s all a big joke and the fate of the world hangs on the shoulders of a man who can’t even remember to drive on the left-hand side during a high-speed pursuit.

Was it worth it? Like Throw Momma From The Train, this plays proceedings for laughs but, with pre-Rushmore renaissance Murray suffering from creative funk, the farcical giggles are generally few and far between. Kudos, though, for aping the silly accents in The Man Who Knew Too Much.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? Okay, it’s not a direct rip-off (Hitchcock even remade his own 1934 original in 1956 with Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day) but it gets two big thumbs down for not being funny.

Murder By Numbers (2002)
What’s The Plot? Spoiled schoolkids Justin Pendleton (Michael Pitt) and Richard Haywood plot to excite up their rich and bored existence by murdering a girl for the hell of it. Planning everything down to the last detail, they reckon they’ve plotted the perfect murder – but the snotty little yoofs didn’t reckon on the tenaciousness of homicide detective Cassie Mayweather (Sandra Bullock).

Was it worth it? Loosely based on the story of real-life thrill-killers Richard Loeb and Nathan Leopold, this decidedly bland effort owes plenty to Hitchcock’s Rope – the one where two students kill an associate, tie him up in an old chest and invite some pals round for a dinner party. An unimpressive effort on its own merit but in the Big Man’s shadow it pales into insignificance.

Hitchcock or Hitchrocks!? Move along, there’s nothing to see here.