Toy Stories | The Empire Blog

Toy Stories

Posted on Wednesday September 12, 2007, 16:22 by Glen Ferris in Empire States

With Bratz and Transformers proving there's an audience for movies inspired by playthings, Hollywood is sure to start plundering toy chests in search of the next big blockbuster. Hell, Ridley Scott's already attached to a Monopoly movie and GI Joe is similarly screenbound, so there's definitely an appetite to see the Toys R Us bounty brought to the silver screen. In exchange for a small commission and exemption from defamation of character libel cases, I suggest picking up one of the following pitches...

Zoids
Genre Big -budget, CGI heavy and bloody noisy sci-fi epic.
Storyline The planet Zi is in turmoil. Wise king Helic has died and his two sons, the peace-loving Helic II and power-hungry Zenebas, fight it out for control. Both sides harness the power of the Zoids, a breed of metallic creatures with a "techno-organic" core that allows them to think and feel, but, annoyingly, you have to wind the buggers up to get them to work. Each Zoid is gifted with great power which can be continuously upgraded into bigger and badder creatures of destruction (available in any animal form as long as it's dinosaur - at least until the sequel). With these mighty weapons, brother fights against brother in a war that will tear their world apart or until the clockwork mechanism needs cranking up again.
Key Scene The brothers face a battle to the death. Metal prepares to clash against metal, the fate of civilisation hangs in the balance... Oh for Christ's sake, the bloody things need a kickstart again.
Tagline "Prepare to be wound up."

Sylvanian Families
Genre Complex family drama, a bit like The Ice Storm and American Beauty - but with cute lickle animals.
Storyline It's the late Eighties and Christmas Eve in the Sylvanian forest. Mr and Mrs Beaver put aside their marital differences and await the arrival of their children. Next door the recently widowed Mrs Hedgehog slips into an alcoholic stupor while her daughter carries on an illicit relationship with the Mouse boy from the other side of the tracks. His family, meanwhile, lives in fear of their anti-social neighbours, the Bear clan. As the snow begins to fall, a lone rabbit arrives in the forest with news that will shatter the entire community.
Key Scene A cleverly edited panning shot shows a drunk Mrs Hedgehog crashing into the Beaver house and declaring she has been having an affair with Mr Beaver. Pan across to the young Hedgehog and Mouse planning to elope, before witnessing father Mouse, wide-eyed and crazed, walking back into the family home carrying a baseball bat covered in blood and matted with Bear hair. Witness to all of this is Rabbit, a government official carrying plans to knock down the forest to make for a new motorway.
Tagline "And you though your family was furry..."

Strawberry Shortcake
Genre	Serial killer flick - Think Se7en with a Single White Female twist.
Storyline	Little Miss Shortcake has all grown up and moved to the big city. With her flatmates, the shy Angel Cake and wild child Raspberry Tart, they live a life of society parties and department store shopping. However, her perfect life is turned upside down when she discovers that old friends are being murdered. With Huckleberry Pie and Blueberry Muffin on the mortician's slab, it's up to Strawberry and Latino cop Café Ole to find the killer before she strikes again.
Key Scene	In a shocking twist, Strawberry is convinced that old enemy Licorice Whip is the knife-wielding maniac only to discover that Angel, driven crazy by playing second fiddle to our heroine, is the real killer. Having done away with Raspberry, she lies in wait, only to be thwarted at the last moment by the doggedly determined Café Ole.
Tagline	"Everybody wants a taste of Strawberry"

M.A.S.K.
Genre	Action comedy - think tongue-in-cheek Transformers. With Ben Stiller.
Storyline	The Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand was once the world's most efficient fighting force. Led by the heroic Matt Trakker, this elite team had access to the most state-of-the-art equipment technology could provide. Living by the motto that "Illusion is the ultimate weapon", they drove vehicles that could instantly transform into super-powerful fighting machines in their fight to bring down the evil that was V.E.N.O.M. But that was years ago, the Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem is no more, Matt Tracker is a washed-up alcoholic stock car racer and his team has long since split up. But when Tracker hears that his nemesis Miles Mayhem is back causing havoc again, it's up to him to get the old team together and restore their rust-riddled machines to their former glory.
Key Scene	Having gathered together the old team, including a now openly gay Boris Bushkin, Tracker discovers their old equipment, kitted out with Commodore 64 software, is hideously outdated. They also realise that a helicopter that turns into a plane and a car that turns into a slightly smaller car isn't going to cut it with modern methods of warfare.
Tagline	" M.A.S.K no questions, tell no spies."

Teddy Ruxpin
Genre	Sci-fi thriller - Johnny Mnemonic but with a star far more animated than Keanu Reeves.
Storyline	In the near future, Teddy Ruxpin makes a living as a "word courier" for secretive clients. Via a recorded message which can be inserted in his back, the don't-care bear delivers sensitive messages, asks no questions, tells no lies and doesn't get involved no matter what has been said. But when Teddy is accidentally loaded up on data from the villainous Monster And Villains Organisation, he and his old mate Grubby are forced on the run in the dystopian (but still curiously flowery and pretty) woodland city of Rillonia.
Key Scene	TR and Grubby are chased down and cornered by MAVO agents. Seemingly dead in the water, Ruxpin inserts a martial arts training tape in his back. Now he knows kung fu.
Tagline	"When Teddy talks, the world listens."