Posted on Wednesday September 12, 2007, 16:22 by Glen Ferris in Empire States
With Bratz and Transformers proving there's an audience for movies inspired by playthings, Hollywood is sure to start plundering toy chests in search of the next big blockbuster. Hell, Ridley Scott's already attached to a Monopoly movie and GI Joe is similarly screenbound, so there's definitely an appetite to see the Toys R Us bounty brought to the silver screen. In exchange for a small commission and exemption from defamation of character libel cases, I suggest picking up one of the following pitches...
|Genre||Big -budget, CGI heavy and bloody noisy sci-fi epic.|
|Storyline||The planet Zi is in turmoil. Wise king Helic has died and his two sons, the peace-loving Helic II and power-hungry Zenebas, fight it out for control. Both sides harness the power of the Zoids, a breed of metallic creatures with a "techno-organic" core that allows them to think and feel, but, annoyingly, you have to wind the buggers up to get them to work. Each Zoid is gifted with great power which can be continuously upgraded into bigger and badder creatures of destruction (available in any animal form as long as it's dinosaur - at least until the sequel). With these mighty weapons, brother fights against brother in a war that will tear their world apart or until the clockwork mechanism needs cranking up again.|
|Key Scene||The brothers face a battle to the death. Metal prepares to clash against metal, the fate of civilisation hangs in the balance... Oh for Christ's sake, the bloody things need a kickstart again.|
|Tagline||"Prepare to be wound up."|
|Genre||Complex family drama, a bit like The Ice Storm and American Beauty - but with cute lickle animals.|
|Storyline||It's the late Eighties and Christmas Eve in the Sylvanian forest. Mr and Mrs Beaver put aside their marital differences and await the arrival of their children. Next door the recently widowed Mrs Hedgehog slips into an alcoholic stupor while her daughter carries on an illicit relationship with the Mouse boy from the other side of the tracks. His family, meanwhile, lives in fear of their anti-social neighbours, the Bear clan. As the snow begins to fall, a lone rabbit arrives in the forest with news that will shatter the entire community.|
|Key Scene||A cleverly edited panning shot shows a drunk Mrs Hedgehog crashing into the Beaver house and declaring she has been having an affair with Mr Beaver. Pan across to the young Hedgehog and Mouse planning to elope, before witnessing father Mouse, wide-eyed and crazed, walking back into the family home carrying a baseball bat covered in blood and matted with Bear hair. Witness to all of this is Rabbit, a government official carrying plans to knock down the forest to make for a new motorway.|
|Tagline||"And you though your family was furry..."|
|Genre||Serial killer flick - Think Se7en with a Single White Female twist.|
|Storyline||Little Miss Shortcake has all grown up and moved to the big city. With her flatmates, the shy Angel Cake and wild child Raspberry Tart, they live a life of society parties and department store shopping. However, her perfect life is turned upside down when she discovers that old friends are being murdered. With Huckleberry Pie and Blueberry Muffin on the mortician's slab, it's up to Strawberry and Latino cop Café Ole to find the killer before she strikes again.|
|Key Scene||In a shocking twist, Strawberry is convinced that old enemy Licorice Whip is the knife-wielding maniac only to discover that Angel, driven crazy by playing second fiddle to our heroine, is the real killer. Having done away with Raspberry, she lies in wait, only to be thwarted at the last moment by the doggedly determined Café Ole.|
|Tagline||"Everybody wants a taste of Strawberry"|
|Genre||Action comedy - think tongue-in-cheek Transformers. With Ben Stiller.|
|Storyline||The Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand was once the world's most efficient fighting force. Led by the heroic Matt Trakker, this elite team had access to the most state-of-the-art equipment technology could provide. Living by the motto that "Illusion is the ultimate weapon", they drove vehicles that could instantly transform into super-powerful fighting machines in their fight to bring down the evil that was V.E.N.O.M. But that was years ago, the Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem is no more, Matt Tracker is a washed-up alcoholic stock car racer and his team has long since split up. But when Tracker hears that his nemesis Miles Mayhem is back causing havoc again, it's up to him to get the old team together and restore their rust-riddled machines to their former glory.|
Having gathered together the old team, including a now openly gay Boris Bushkin, Tracker discovers their old equipment, kitted out with Commodore 64 software, is hideously outdated. They also realise that a helicopter that turns into a plane and a car that turns into a slightly smaller car isn't going to cut it with modern methods of warfare.
|Tagline||" M.A.S.K no questions, tell no spies."|
|Genre||Sci-fi thriller - Johnny Mnemonic but with a star far more animated than Keanu Reeves.|
|Storyline||In the near future, Teddy Ruxpin makes a living as a "word courier" for secretive clients. Via a recorded message which can be inserted in his back, the don't-care bear delivers sensitive messages, asks no questions, tells no lies and doesn't get involved no matter what has been said. But when Teddy is accidentally loaded up on data from the villainous Monster And Villains Organisation, he and his old mate Grubby are forced on the run in the dystopian (but still curiously flowery and pretty) woodland city of Rillonia.|
|Key Scene||TR and Grubby are chased down and cornered by MAVO agents. Seemingly dead in the water, Ruxpin inserts a martial arts training tape in his back. Now he knows kung fu.|
|Tagline||"When Teddy talks, the world listens."|
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Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 14:24
As long as Ruxpin's played by Teddy from A.I., I'm there.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 14:48
Heman was the best toy when i was a kid it needs justice because Dolph L made a mockery of a character i loved but i doubt any one could make a good Heman movie
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 14:54
That idea for a M.A.S.K movie actually sounds genius. I love those cartoons!
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 14:57
I'm Loving the Zoids and M.A.S.K. pitches. I'd buy tickets. Zoids in particular.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 15:04
Would love to see MASK done. Especially if T-Bot gets destroyed in a comical fashion.
Also surely it's time to resurrect those Thundercats. They could get The Rock to play Panthro and Hayden Panettiere as cheetara. Who wouldn't pay to see that?
There's so much potential here:
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
Bucky O'Hare - Who wouldn't want to see the Righteous Indignation brought to life?
Visionaries - Knights of the Magical Light!
Cities of Gold - They could remix its awesome soundtrack and have a number one hit that would break Bryan Adams record!
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 15:53
No no no.
It's all about DINO-RIDERS! And that is all I have to say about that although a Ring Raiders film would be interesting. "The Command is in your Hand!'
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 16:35
I posted about a M.A.S.K movie ages ago, before Transformers was even out. I have been soooo ripped off! And what was that Strawberry shit about? What's that got to do with M.A.S.K? Mistake-o-rama!
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 16:38
Dang, pipped to the post in pointing out the mistake. What was your key scene and tagline for MASK?
The Sylvanian Families film I would love to see.
But surely the time is right for a decent big budget LEGO film that isn't Bionicle. When will the normal City and Town sets have their day, eh?
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 16:40
MTFlanders - can I be an anal fucker and point out that Mysterious Cities of Gold wasn't a cartoon of the Toy advertisement vatiety. Neither was Jayce and the wheeled warriors nor Thundercats, thought there were spin off toysfrom the cartoons. But you're right, big screen adaptations of these shows are well needed.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 16:43
Ooh, does anybody remember the WereBears? That would make a great horror film.
I even think they bought out story tapes.
A WereBear is bought by drug dealers who buy the toy with the intention of smuggling drugs through customs in the bears stomach. Unfortunately they have a car collision with some toxic chemcals (on the night of the full moon), and the werebear comes to life and eats them, before heading out on a bloody rampage. But by morning the bear is back to normal, and a detective has just one month to solve the murders before the bear comes back to life.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 16:55
Were Bears are trouble I'll tell you why
They're much more than meets the eye
Every night these Were Bears change
Into something really strange
Nothing can scare
Like a wicked Were Bear!
And that's from memory, too. Christ, I am so fucking sad.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 17:16
What about a film based on those Star Wars toys from the late 70s/early 80s. They were great! I remember owning this gold robot and this big brown hairy dog thing, and they had cool spaceships and everything. Surely it's a no-brainer.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 18:30
What about Captain Planet!!!!
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 20:11
"Man and machine, power extreme!"
That was and would be ace. Ace Mcloud air specialist, Max Ray sea specialist, Jake Rockwell land specialist. There were others that never really saw. Also, there was their secretary in space with her pet orangtutan. Cool.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 20:28
wasn't cap' planet just a cartoon? i dont think i even remember seeing toys of it. I'd say Hotwheels, but we already got Cars... that video board game Boglins... remember those? maybe monster in my pocket... could be a bit like gremlins, only more of 'em cause they're smaller.
Posted on Thursday September 13, 2007, 23:24
Centuriions, I remember them, they were really cool. Great potential for a movie. It would no doubt be fucked up by having an enviromental message, "Lets save the planet, while at the same time blowing plenty of shit up and burning copious amounts of carbon feuls. Im sure those transporters they have must be doing something to the ozone........
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 07:59
Great M.A.S.K slogan..... everybody wants a taste of strawberry!!!
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 08:00
I'm quite intrigued by the Sylvanians family and Strawberry Shortcake films. I think we need more of those and less of mechanical dinosaurs. However, I am looking forward to He-Man.
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 08:53
Were there Centurion toys?? How did i miss those. Have tons of action force and GI joe and the odd mask toy kicking about. Hours of enjoyment. would be great film material.
My only issue would that T-bob would become another jar-jar
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 10:16
Samurai Pizza Cats! Ooh yeah!
Who do you call when you want some pepperoni?!
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 10:22
dunkah - I take your point.
Unfortunately I got all excited about my favourite 80s cartoons. Got a little carried away!
Oar num shabeye
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 11:36
Kerplunk - a Saw style nut job has abducted a few scantily clad attractive types and put them all in a giant shaft full of long retracting sticks! The great thing though is that the shaft is suspended above a vat of acid! With sharks in - and poo!
Hungry Hippos - After aged New York Zookeeper Terry Nutkins has a sudden heart attack while cleaning the hippo pen one night. The hippos seize the opportunity and escape! Visiting New York's premier restaurants they feast on some the finest gourmet food in the world. Only when they're asked to pay things turn nasty!
Space Hopper - Well the possibilities are infinite, but would definitely involve Space, Hopping and a magical orange balloon-like craft.
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 12:14
gota love the dino-riders idea. jurassic park meets aliens
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 12:21
Dino Riders would make an awesome film, I remember crying like an idiot when my Mum gave my Dino Riders to the CHURCH FETE. I've never recovered.
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 12:37
For the love of God, someone make that M.A.S.K movie!!! And be sure to keep the original music: ma-ma-ma-mask M.A.S.K.!
I must have had dozens of those toys and loved the cartoon, blissfully unawre that I was watching commercials for new toys. Ignorance is indeed bliss...those were the days...
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 15:12
I agree MASK MASK MASK MASK!!
That shit was outstanding . . . or was it that I was a little to easily pleased back in the day, where my dreams were to ride with Optimus and have a jam sandwich after school finished in front of the tv, watching cartoons till my eyes did actually turn square (listen to your mothers kids!)!!!!
Mask mask mask!!
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 15:19
I would like the movie of zoids and mask, but not the zoids plotl ine you mentioned more like the one about van flyheart who pilots a tiger type zoid with an silver organoid named zeke which is a dinosaur type robot and along with a girl named fiona who has mystical abilities and they fight an opposing force and his nemesis who also has an black organoid named raven i think.
Posted on Friday September 14, 2007, 19:36
I'm pretty sure this was a cartoon first, but I still say Visionaries'd make an awesome movie.
Posted on Saturday September 15, 2007, 16:09
So many of those old 80s sci fi/ action animated shows could be turned into amazing films. Jayce and the wheeled warriors, Thundercats, MASK, Visionaries, Silverhawks, Voltron etc etc. Thundercats in particular!
Posted on Saturday September 15, 2007, 19:43
Posted on Saturday September 15, 2007, 22:50
I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, because I couldn't be arsed to look back through the other comments. I'm thinking that a Kinder Surprise movie could be, well, shit, but still pretty interesting. If you could capture the excitement of eating that chocolate and failing miserably to open the little yellow capsule in your first twelve attempts, then I for one, would at least rent it. You could also involve those Kinder Hippo's in there somewhere. Dam I'm hungry now.
Posted on Sunday September 16, 2007, 12:07
Oh yeah. The Centurions toys were quality! I Had Ace Mclouds but kind of messed it up by having a Max Ray and Jake Rockwell suits to clip on to him.
Posted on Monday September 17, 2007, 15:22
I can't believe I've just seen that a Fraggle Rock - The Movie is being lined up for 2009.
With everyone twittering on about carbon footprints these days, it could well take on an Eco Warrior feel with Gobo and Wembley taking on an evil corporation. Hang on, I think Steven Segal has already done that film.
Posted on Tuesday September 18, 2007, 12:30
I know it's a cartoon but Penny Crayon has so much going for it it's scary.
Posted on Thursday September 20, 2007, 15:08
Hayden Panettiere as cheetara?? dear god, that sold the thundercats movie to me!!!
Vin Diesel as Panthro?
Bring back the Thundertank! But no Snarf please......
Posted on Monday September 24, 2007, 17:27
MASK and Visionaries would be fab films. Action Man wouldn't be bad either. Bring it on!
Posted on Tuesday January 22, 2008, 14:45
We've had Mr Bean, so what about Mr Benn. Just think, the saga could run and run, what with his trips to King Arthurs court, to go in a green (or red) submarine, or to be a spaceman. And to see the shopkeeper appear utilising full on CGI would be Awesome.