Everything I Need to Know About London, I Learned From Guy Ritchie
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 10:15 by Dan Goodswen in Empire States
Being new in a big city can be a daunting prospect. While riding down to London from the North on the back of my Dad’s tractor, I was worried that I might suffer a bit of culture shock and be unable to adjust to city-life.
Thankfully I had cinema to guide me, and I now feel fully prepared to deal with whatever challenges London tries to throw in my path (the path of my tractor to be exact).
Here’s what I learned from the films of Guy Ritchie;
1. Everyone in London is a criminal. There are types of criminal who are nicer than others, but are criminals none-the-less.
2. Everybody speaks in an incomprehensible barrage of rhyming slang, but it’s just so darn jolly that you can’t help but smile, nod, and pretend you know what they are on about.
3. Don’t gamble. All gambling is fixed, be it boxing, cards, dog-racing – you will not win, and will likely have to enter into some devil’s pact to pay back your debt.
4. Real names are useless. Anyone who is anyone has a nickname, which usually tells you everything you need to know about the person, before you meet them. For example, “Big Chris” is not a small fellow, and “Nick the Greek” my just be from the continent.
5. Any deal or agreement you are involved in will be subject to a double-cross. This is okay as you will have planned a triple-cross to counter said double-cross, thereby saving your life.
6. All Northerners are apparently Monkeys.
7. All Southerners are apparently Fairies.
8. Business is not conducted in offices, but in warehouses, storerooms, white vans, pubs, betting shops, ringside at illegal fights, caravan parks etc. so be prepared for some interesting meetings.
9. Get rich quick schemes rarely lead to speedy riches, more often to early graves.
10. Never trust Brad Pitt.
Any more lessons learned from Guy would be very helpful…
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Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 13:14
I'm sure this goes without saying but never trust or marry an ageing american pop singer seems like a good lesson from Buy today
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 13:15
Sorry, obviously i meant Guy but my brain is frazzled
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 13:21
And casting an American in the lead role for a British character obviously is better than hiring an English actor, because hey who cares about quality when you have a bankable name to advertise your lastest film.
[I'm talking about Sherlock Holmes]
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 13:42
All Southerners are fairies? Mr Ritchie has also clearly never attended a Southampton vs Portsmouth football match, a fixture which could do with all the fairy dust that Tinkerbell can squeeze out of her arse.
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 14:08
Don't give your baby the name of a porn star.
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 15:03
You forgot to mention that nobody's got an ordinary, registered job in Mr. Ritchie's London - except pub owners, that is. Everybody else is either a crime lord, a fixer, a dealer, a thug, a loafer or an underling of any one of the others. Hence nobody in London pays social security taxes.
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 16:11
Never take a dog as part of a deal but if you find a dog be sure to have the contents of its stomach checked. You'll be rich in no time!!!!
Here lassie, here lassie....
Posted on Wednesday October 15, 2008, 17:39
1. Never remake an already poor Euro-movie and if you do have to don't cast your wife in it...
2. Don't think you're cleverer than you really are and try to show off you deep 'thoughts' in the form of a badly conceived gangster thriller starring the Stath and Ray 'Special Reserve Honey' Liotta.
3. Drop the mockney accent. You're not fooling anyone
Posted on Thursday October 16, 2008, 00:00
1) weaponry is surprisingly easy to get hold of in london. approach any of the large number of men in trenchcoats and ask them for a "shootah"
2) "'Ard men" are easily recognisible as they are usually accompanied by whatever is considered "cool" music on their arrival into most rooms.
3) if at any time you suddenly find yourself frozen, with a confused/enlightened look on your face, there is a very good chance the the solid deal you took part in earlier has been a double cross. you are either now a) incredibly rich, or b) screwed.
Posted on Thursday October 16, 2008, 18:24
Going to uni up north in Preston while being a 'southern jessie' has it's disadvantages, not to mention almost all northern accents are more interesting than southern ones, in terms of life lessons there some things Guy Ritchie's characters should know about:
1) Gravy was invented to be put onto chips
2) On visiting the North, Londoners must only speak RP (Queen's English) or fully-fledged cockney, so as not to confuse the locals
3) Anywhere South of Manchester is, in fact, the South
Posted on Wednesday October 22, 2008, 08:33
1.) Don’t go to England!
2.) If you talk to a gangster while he’s walking, he’ll cut your fuckin’ Jacobs off!
3.) It does not include the amp!
4.) Guns are for show, knives for a pro!
5.) London: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins
Posted on Wednesday October 22, 2008, 10:05
Oh, I forgot:
6.) If you need to burn down a gyppo's caravan, make sure his mother isn't in it. You wouldn't like the consequences!