Movies The Musical!
Posted on Thursday September 25, 2008, 07:05 by Ian Freer in Empire States
What's with all the adventurous movies being turned into Broadway musicals? Yesterday’s news that American Psycho is going to be turned into a Broadway show — although it is unclear whether there will be any actual song and dance musical numbers — films my little heart with joy. This is partly because nothing says The Great American Songbook more than yuppies wielding chainsaws. But also partly because the upcoming crop of musicals based on movies — Chocolat, Shakespeare In Love, Catch Me If You Can, The Color Purple, The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert — don’t push the envelope far enough in what the Broadway musical-movie interface should be. Patrick Bateman might just do that.
But the news got me thinking. What are the movies that really should be readied for curtain up? Here are my suggestions for show stopping tunes from some unlikely musicals — beware spoilers. Are you listening Cameron Mackintosh?
New York, New York What A Terrible Town, The Garbage Is Up And The Knickers Are Down
D’ya Wanna See A Porno!
Are You Talking To Me?
I’m Henry Krinkle, I Am, I Am
I’m A Big Star Now I’ve Shot Some Pimps
This Is The Beginning Of The Middle Of The End, My Friend
I Love The Smell Of Napalm In The Morning
There Is Nothing Like A Playboy Bunny
No Crap, It’s A Head In My Lap
You’re Just An Errand Boy Sent By Grocery Clerks But You’re My Errand Boy Sent By Grocery Clerks
The Shawshank Redemption
I Didn’t Do It!
My Pal Andy (He’s A Swell Guy)
My Pal Red (He Can Get Me Stuff)
I’m Gonna Lock That Warden Right Out Of The Tannoy Office!
The Ballad Of Brooks-y
I’ll Crawl Through Shit And Sewage For Freedom
Kill Bill Vol.1
I’m Getting Butchered In The Morning, Ding Dong The Bells Are Gonna Chime.
I’ll Shoot You Through This Cereal Packet, Bitch
Toes, Please Wiggle, Toes, Please Wiggle
What’s The Story, Hattori?
You’re Crazy, 88!
Do You Feel Like We’re Trapped in A Reference To Lady Snowblood?
There Will Be Blood
Overture (No Lyrics)
We’ll Toil For Oil
Son, You Can’t Hear Me But I’ve Got To Send You Away
I’m Your Half Brother (No You're Not)
My Miiiiiiiilkshaaaaake brings all the boys to the yard
Right, it’s over to you. Let’s have your memorable belters from The Matrix, The Lives Of Others, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Orphanage or whatever you fancy.
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Posted on Tuesday September 30, 2008, 12:35
Goodfellas! or The Funny Guys!
As long as I can remember...
Fuck you, pay me!
It's gonna be a good summer for good fellas
Where are the shovels?
Spider-dance (show stopping production number with guns and tap dancing)
Murderers come with smiles (and leave with coffee pots)
Fucking drugs making my mind into mush
Rest of my life like a schnook - but I did it my way
Posted on Tuesday September 30, 2008, 12:46
How bout Die Hard?
Flying Home for Christmas (and my wife's got a different name)
Let it snow (cocaine in the office, bullets in the lobby)
Terrorists with tiny feet (tap dancing number feat minuature Osama's)
Yippee-kay-ae (two versions depending on the performance time)
Shoot the Glass/walk of pain
Same tune as the first one with the words substituted to "falling out the Window"
I think it's a hit
Posted on Tuesday September 30, 2008, 13:01
Okay, one more...
Singin only in vowels
The most favourite cancer in the world
Your life is ending by the end of this song
You DO NOT sing about the Fight Club
That condo was ME!
I'm Jacks solo number
His name is Robert Paulson (with choir chanting)
You're a voice singing in my head
Posted on Tuesday September 30, 2008, 13:49
"Fight Club" of "Singin' in the Brain!"
Posted on Tuesday September 30, 2008, 16:21
Wow. Finally someone who agrees that Apocalypse Now is ripe for musical adaptation.
I also kinda fancied the idea of something horrific like The Deer Hunter being done as a big musical.
Posted on Wednesday October 1, 2008, 00:59
The Dark Knight is ripe for musical plowing...
Such classics as:
"I'm not the One Wearing Hockeypads (Oh no, oh no)"
"I Killed...the Busdriver!" (a heart-breaking ballad with no music)
"This is What You Do With a Pencil"
"Gordon's Dead...sort of...And Rachel Too...but more probably"
"You're Just A Freak...Like Me!"
"The Joker's Scars Elegy"
"Run, Batman, Run!"
Posted on Wednesday October 1, 2008, 07:54
And the hit song for American Psycho: The Musical would be: when a man cloves a woman!
Posted on Wednesday October 1, 2008, 20:35
The Texas Chain Saw Musical
...featuring the hits, slashes and cuts..
"Where be My Grandpappy's bones?"
"The Ballad of the Roadkill Armadillo"
"Frankly Franklin, You're Doing My Tits In!"
"Hitchin' A Ride with a Beardy Weirdy"
"This Ole Creepy Ass House"
"The Tin Can Tree Song"
"Hammering In My Head"
"Hooked on a Feeling (and a big giant spike)"
"Thorn In My Side, my face and my legs"
"Remember The Time We Had BBQ Ribs..."
"Keep On Truckin' (Or You'll Lose A Limb)"
"Me and my Chainsaw"
Posted on Thursday October 2, 2008, 11:22
Singin' in Franco's Spain
I'm gonna bottle that man right in the face
Amputating the frenchie's leg
Soy un Fauno
I'm a doctor secretly working for the resistance (but don't tell the captain)
If you hurt the girl I will kill you (yes I will yes I will)
The man with eyes in the palm of his hands
The blood of an innocent
Death ain't so bad (I'm a princess now)
Posted on Thursday October 2, 2008, 19:05
On our way to Belgium (Gonna be a shithole)
The Little Boy (First three rows splattered with brains)
Top of the Tower (Culture and Fun)
They're Filming Midgets! (A toe tapping extravaganza that is so offensive it makes Springtime for Hitler look like Dumbo)
Not the R2D2 fella (A midget retrospective tying in with "They're filming Midgets!")
Two Manky Hookers (And a racist dwarf) featuring special sequence for the production containing black and white dwarves fighting.
Nooks and Crannies and Alcoves
You Eet The Canadian (YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKIN' OBJECT!)
You're a cunt, I'm a cunt, your kids are cunts.
The Little Boy Reprise (1,2,3 go)
I Didn't Want To Die (An epilogue of violence)
What a way to spend three hours, violence, swearing, offensive material and high class singing.
Posted on Sunday October 5, 2008, 02:12
Tony Jaa: On Ice
(Don't fucking touch) My Elephant!
I Just Put My Elbow Through That Fella's Thorax
Bangkok! (Where Every Foreigner's A Dipshit)
My Mustang Galloped On Your Face Tonight
What Do You Know, My Arm's Facing the Wrong Way
Holy Fuck He Just Kneed Me In The Spine
On Fire! (My Legs Are)
Two Hundred Dead Stuntmen And I Love You
Posted on Wednesday October 8, 2008, 09:24
Speed the musical...
I'm not even gonna make up songs, just saying...it would be awesome!