Hulk On The Couch
Posted on Monday June 9, 2008, 17:03 by Glen Ferris in Empire States
What would happen if The Incredible Hulk stopped stomping and smashing and sat down with a professional to talk about his anger management problems? In the interests of exploring just such a avenue of possibility, we indulged in a bit of role-play with therapy expert Jill Wootton.
Banner: Hello doctor, I wonder if you can help me: I keep turning into a big, green, angry monster!
Wootton: The first thing I’d like to do today, Bruce, is break down the factors that really make you angry. You might feel that the need to be loved and the need to be left alone is not being met, and that might fuel your anger.
Hulk: You’re charging how much an hour? GAAAAARGH! HULK SMASH!
Wootton: Er… Obviously you’ve got the gamma ray problem, so I’d like to send you to a naturopath who would look at the cellular structure of your body and see if we could get you to not react to the neurotransmitters that cause anger. When people get angry, there’s a massive chemical change in the body and that’s why some people feel as though they’re losing control, like going into a trance. We also need to make sure you’re eating properly and taking as much supportive medicine as possible – if people don’t eat properly, they are more likely to get angry because the body and the brain don’t work properly!
Hulk: Hulk no like medicine, puny pinkskin.
Wootton: [Edging behind a chair] Okay, well, in that case what I’d like to do is take you back to a time when you’ve managed to control your anger. Let’s do some visualisations and think about how your body feels different at those times. Then we can use a hypnotic technique in which we would try to overlay those positive memories on a time in the future when you feel like you’re losing control – the effect is like anchoring one negative emotional state and replacing it with a positive one.
Hulk: NO! Hulk want to SMASH!
Wootton: Umm… some psychological arenas do say that it’s good to get your anger out, but that theory flies in the face of everything we know about the chemical changes that happen in the body when people get angry. We’re not looking to get angry and channel it into a pillow or a brick wall; it should be something that we can change through psychological intervention and naturopathic intervention. Rather than channelling the anger, we don’t want it there – we just need to learn how to turn it around.
Hulk: It all began with Hulk’s mother…
Jill Wootton is Training Director for the Brighton-based company Uncommon Knowledge www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk
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Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 10:57
He He, funny. PS, If I don't get that Clint Eastwood collection with my subscription, I may Hulk-out too!
Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 16:14
That wasn't funny. Who the hell is responsible for that shite? You should be desiigning cool stuff for the mag not shit like this!
Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 19:48
Hehe! I liked the "you're charging how much an hour bit?" That was quite funny.
Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 19:50
I agree with Mr. Chumba; that was truly pathetic. Can we have a return to the good quality blog next time? Less of this shit in the future please!
Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 21:28
That was weak
It was actually really hard to read the full thing it was so godamn boring
I hope Mozzy_gal and Norsedwarf ar just being polite cause that was about as funny as Big Mommas House 2
Posted on Tuesday June 10, 2008, 22:01
i'm gonna refrain from being a hater... but i'm not gonna be a lover either...
Posted on Wednesday June 11, 2008, 09:47
Howay Empire team, get a fun blog going, this is about as fun and involving as a date with Treebeard...
Posted on Wednesday June 11, 2008, 13:24
Don't want to jump on the bandwagon but this was very poor. Not even funny. Dunno who came up with the idea but it's a funny premise for about half a second.
Hope you guys at least got paid by Uncommon Knowledge for this feature.
Posted on Thursday June 12, 2008, 01:06
Norbit was better than this
Posted on Thursday June 12, 2008, 11:01
Wow. I am impressed. I have never read anything that shit before.
Posted on Friday June 13, 2008, 00:00
i've been reading Empire for 10 years now, and that article was 2 minutes i aint gonna get back.
Possibly the weakest piece of writing i've read in any proper magazine/website.
Ah well, we all make errors, lets forget the whole sorry blog and move on...
Posted on Tuesday June 17, 2008, 13:49
This reminds me of a sketch I did in my first year of video production, although that was with Davros and was actually funny.