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The Ten Moviegoing Commandments

Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 10:56 by James Dyer in Empire States
The Ten Moviegoing Commandments

I am, I think it’s fair to say, what you could describe as a cinema fascist. For me a trip to the local multiplex isn’t so much a night of enjoyment but an endless litany of irritations, injustices and insults perpetrated against my person by the general public. I suppose it’s an inevitable side effect of spending the better part of a decade being coddled by private studio screenings where we’re presented with nibbles, wine and the occasional Pret sandwich tray. Such screenings, where you're often one of only a handful present, have become the norm in my mind, so you can imagine the horror when I’m occasionally dropped headfirst into the howling, sticky sea of degradation and depravity that is your average fleapit performance. Frankly, it makes me want to have a shower. And then kill everyone in the room. And then have another one to wash the gore off my hands. An overreaction? Possibly, but why, I ask you, do people go to the cinema when they clearly have no interest in actually watching the movie?

But I’m getting off track. Having been scarred by years of public cinemagoing as a civilian before finally finding solace at the bosom of Empire, i think it's time that something was done to improve the cinemagoing experience. I propose that we all unite to draw up a list of cinemagoing commandments (enforceable by some kind of nasty biblical torture), to which anyone viewing a film in a public place must adhere. It should go something like this:

1. Thou shalt not have stupid trendy hair that sticketh up and obscureth my view

All cinema patrons should be required, on pain of buzz cut, to sport a sensible haircut whereby the hair itself stays flat upon the scalp. Regardless of how much you think you look like that muppet from McFly, I do not need to spend half the film trying to peer past congealing spires of hair gel thank you so very much. The same goes for headwear – caps off when you sit down. And no, I don’t care if it’s street or cool or you’ve left the tags on to make it look like you stole it.
While not a commandment in its own right, a sub-directive of this should be something along the lines of thou shalt not sit bolt upright unlest thou sufferest from some kind of chiropractic condition. Headwear or no, cinema seat backs are high for a reason: you’re meant to slouch. This is in part so you can enjoy the slobbish act of watching movies to the full but also so half the movie isn’t projected onto the back of your bloody head. Heed. Doon.

2. Thou shalt not shout encouragement to yonder protagonists
What’s wrong with you? It’s a movie. It’s an entirely one-directional experience and Matt Damon neither needs nor is in any way able to hear your vocal support. If you’re American then you recieve a grudging free pass on this as it seems to be an evolutionary trait caused by generations of watching Jerry Springer, which you're all now powerless to resist. The rest of you keep it zipped, okay?

3. Thou shalt not use sugar-coated chocolates as rudimentary weapons of war

A year ago I was forced to sit through a public performance of Spider-Man 3 (which was unpleasant enough to begin with) only to be struck squarely in the head by some kind of heat-seeking M&M. All I can say is down with this sort of thing! Perhaps I’m still scarred by an incident at the Harrow Granada in the late 80s when some muscled gorilla called Len came up and accused the 11-year-old me of doing something similar. I hadn’t, but that didn’t stop him from using my head as a knuckle warmer. The fact that his girlfriend later dragged him over to apologise did not make me feel a great deal better.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's cupholder
Your bag of Minstrels does not outrank mine and you will not use the cupholders on both sides of your seat no matter how many snack food items you’re juggling. If you go both ways then some poor bugger is going to end up with a beverage perched precariously on his lap and that’s just an accident waiting to happen. Cup goes in holder, sweets go in lap, it’s the natural order of things and woe betide any who seek to challenge it.

5. Thou shalt not skulk around the back of the screen wearing night vision goggles
Are you in Splinter Cell? No? Then what on Earth are you doing? You look like a tit. Yes, I’m aware that the threat of movie piracy hangs above society like a headsman’s axe and if Harry Potter 7 ends up on the Internet before it's released in the cinema than the whole of reality will implode on itself, but do we really need the bloody SAS glaring at us throughout the feature? What are they going to do if they catch someone anyway? Drag them outside and put two in the back of their head? I’ve got a word for you, it’s called OVERKILL.

6. Thou shalt not use the lavatory whilst the feature is in progress
No, I don’t care if you’ve got a weak bladder, a nervous stomach or you’re on bloody dialysis, there is no excuse for getting up in the middle of the film and thereby forcing your entire row to do the same while you shuffle off to the loo. Just sit there, hold it in and next time don’t drink that four gallon bucket of Coke you indulgent fool.

7. Thou shalt not accept calls from thine drug dealer during the film
Admittedly this one’s a tad specific but it’s nevertheless something I witnessed during a Sunday matinee screening of Fallen (don’t ask) in 1998. Glossing over the imprudence of such an act given that the whole of special branch could have been downing popcorn in the back row, it’s also extremely annoying! That goes for any kind of phone conversation. If it rings you grab frantically at the offending pocket and fumble apologetically until you manage switch the thing off then sit really still for the next minute while hoping no one is staring at you. You do NOT even THINK about answering the accursed thing and ‘catching up’.

8. Thou shalt not purchase individually wrapped sweets on pain of torture
Anything that rustles is enough to provoke a sound beating but to intentionally purchase confectionary that requires crunching, crackling paper before every single mouthful is tantamount to a war crime. Do it at your peril and I’ll see you in The Hague.

9. Thou shalt not talk amongst thyselves no matter how boring thou findest the movie

Just don’t, okay? If you’re not enjoying it then just leave – quietly. I once sat behind two people who nattered all the way through Schindler’s List. It’s about genocide for god’s sake, have some bloody respect. If I told Ian Freer you’d talked through one of Steven’s movies he’d have branded something I can't print on this website across both your bloody foreheads.
Also, while we're on the subject of noise, I'd like to add another sub-clause: though shalt not bray like a donkey. f it’s a comedy then by all means feel free to laugh – it’s actually encouraged. Do not, though, howl like some kind of lovesick baboon, thus eclipsing all other sound that’s not currently broadcasting above 20 decibels. This is especially infuriating when what you’re laughing at isn’t actually supposed to be funny, or at least not funny enough to warrant Fanta dribbling from your nostrils.

10. Thou shalt not sit thyself next to or in front of me if the cinema is half empty
This is absolutely non-negotiable. I am not your mother and thus will at no point hold your hand during the movie if you get scared. Bearing this in mind you will not attempt to sit next to me, a complete stranger, when there are plenty of non-adjacent seats elsewhere. You will instead adhere to a minimum three seat buffer around my person at all times unless the cinema is sufficiently crowded that this proves impossible. Likewise you will not place your presumably non-translucent self directly between me and the screen unless all seats outside the direct field of my vision are currently occupied. Should you neglect to follow this directive then I reserve the right to place hard metal objects in any space around me that I see fit, regardless of whether said space is occupied by a part of your anatomy.

I'm sure there are more but it's traditional to stop at ten so I'll leave any further additions up to you. Go forth and preach the gospel! Let us spread the word among the heathens and turn the multiplexes back into the hallowed cathedrals of entertainment they were meant to be. And yes, feel free to burn any heretics who seek to defy you. Amen.

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1 marty_mcfly84
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 12:19
absoultely brilliant. i agree with all of them apart from number 10.

Social pressure is a thing i despise. if i feel i get a better view by sitting right next to you then i'll do it because i can sit where i want. People these days are to scared to speak up or do things - which they are allowed to do - in case they 'offend' or embarress them selves. Absolute rubbish. If a guy is crunching sweets and making a hell-uv-a noise then i will tell him to shut it!

Even if i did sit next to you in a quiet cinema, then the aforementioned social pressure will hit you square in the nads and you'll just sit there and grimace in your seat and say nothing!

other than that, your article is hilarious - it has kept me amused for another 30 mins in a boring day at work.

2 keir
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 12:56
All I can say is if you go and watch Spiderman 3 at 8pm on a Friday night at the local multiplex, don't spend a second complaining about. You're the dumbass that chose that show at that time. It's like going to Slug & Lettuce on a Saturday night and whinging that you can't have a nice, quiet meal with your 90-year old nan. People who pay for that show are paying for the social event of it, to go in groups, to flirt with each other (that M&M that hit your forehead, that was someone expressing their unrequited love for you).

Tuesday evenings are great. Friday night, not so much.

That said, I do agree with the toilet issue. Seriously. It's 90 minutes. Go before. Go after. Going right at the climatic battle/love/plot twist is just selfish.

3 marty_mcfly84
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:25
good point. My friend and i have one of those unlimited passes and we have one unwritten law. Do not go to the cinema at the weekend.

plus, do you ever feel like taking someone out the theatre, slapping them about and showing them how to eat with their mouth closed?!

4 nclowe
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:27
I absolutely agree!!

Especially with Number 9! During the screening of Sweeny Todd we not only had a running commentry of the film from the girl sat on my right ('He's not going to do that is he?', 'Its his wife!', 'Look out kid!') but the loosers behind us started swearing and making a fuss whenever a musical number started. err...hello? Did you even see any trailers/reviews before coming? If you dont like the fact it is a musical then LEAVE!!

Could I also add number 11? Though shalt not buy rank smelling takeaway and eat in in the cinema (and do they get pizza/mcdonalds/ a four course chinese takeaway in there when I get turned away having a bottle of diet coke not bought at the correct confectionary counter????). If you are seriously THAT hungry go for a meal first.

5 mattchoman
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:27
Genius! ODEON should employ you as their Moses.

6 KingButtMonkey
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:55
Thou Shalt not put your feet up on the chairs.

Whilst I agree that people should not sit upright and should "scooch" down, some people take it to the extreme. A few years ago I was in the cinema and was suddenly overcome with a fetid cheesy smell and turned my head and saw some f**king new age hippy from the row behind had the audacity to to put their bare feet on the back of the seat next to mine. I politely told said crusty to show some goddamn consideration that if he didn't move his f**king feet I would burn them with a cigarette lighter.

7 iainjames
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:56
There is a sllliiigght possibility that Mr Dyer is preaching to the converted here - these commandments should be mocked up in huge polystyrene tablets and placed in the foyer of every cinema. Or better still, poster-ized with cartoon illustrations of each forbidden activity, like those old swimming pool signs (you could even include a 'No heavy petting' one for nostalgia's sake).

I think rather than night vision and such, cinemas should strategically place 'plain-clothes' employees in all busy screenings who can pull people up on their antisocial infractions and have the power to remove the offenders. Or pour their ten-gallon Sprites down their trousers, whichever is the more fitting punishment.

8 carmbler
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 13:56
As soon as I've acquired enough money I'm going to build my own cinema with a massive screen and the best sound ever and no one will be in there but me because as soon as other people are added to the equation, my movie going experience tends to go to shit. I've never known a place where I've so frequently had to aggressively reprimand disrespectful members of the public, than the inside of a cinema. One day I will end up in prison because some stupid cunt couldn't shut the fuck up/stop texting/kicking my seat during a film.

9 Glass3005
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 14:41
I actually agree with number 10, even if others don't. Having to sit next to a total randomer is uncomfortable, and irritating when they could have sit anywhere. People like their individual space, and no-one likes having it invaded (unless it's by someone they feel close to anyway). It's the same deal with the bus. I had it earlier - plenty of empty seats, some chav (excuse the colloquialism) couple smelling of... something... sat on the seat right near me.

And actually, I had about 4 of those commandments broken during Spider-man 3, by the same three people. The dickhead was wearing a hat, the two girls with him talked throughout the entire thing ("Ooh... ahhh... giggle, giggle, the butler loves Harry, he's gay!"), and the aforementioned hatted dickhead ALWAYS on his phone (there is nothing more irritating than the glow of a backlight in the dark of a theatre. Not sure if it's better or worse when they try to hide it). AND he was probably talking to his drug dealer.

And while the M&M of unrequited love made me laugh, I have to disagree with Keir, or at least challenge his point - going to see a film shouldn't be a social event. You should go to the cinema to shut up and enjoy the film like everyone else. If you want to socialise - there are other ways of doing this!

Actually: could cinemas not do some form of screening schedule in which people who are going to talk through the entire bloody thing can have one screening, and people who go to watch the film seriously can be in another?

There are so many improvements that can be made to cinemas; we just need to iron out the creases that are impracticalities. Like creases.

Your Harrow Granada is now a Harrow VUE, by the way.

10 Noelg25
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 15:00
You forgot another important commandent, Mr Dyer. People who walk into a movie like 20min into it. Now that for me is a big no no...I myself do my best to get in the cinema at least when the adverts are on as i like to see the trailers for new movies. But I hate it when people walk in like 10-20min into a movie and then start wandering around the place finding somewhere to sit cos most of the good seats have been taken. Sorry but if ur gona turn up late to a movie dont bother turning up at all! And even if u do turn up late, sit in the front seats and dont wander all over the place finding where to sit!

But I have to salute you, Mr Dyer, some excellent points made here and yes you should be Odeon's Moses. I can see the parting of the seats already.

11 the ageless stranger
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 16:46
I've got one:

If the cinema has assigned seating (as opposed to just letting you sit anywhere) and you walk in and the screen is virtually empty, so you decide to hell with the seat numbers, and just pick your own seats......Thou shalt not come up to me in said empty cinema and say "Excuse me, you're sitting in my seat."

I know, you've got every right to do that, those number are on your ticket. But if the cinema is damn near empty, then what's the point? I went to see U23D the other night with my brother, and the guy in the booth put us back row, top right corner. So with two minutes to go before the show, cinema three quarters empty, we figure it's safe to move to seats with a better view, nearer the middle of the cinema. Then, after the trailers start, a family of four people wander up the stairs, stand in front of us awkwardly for a few seconds and say "Ummm....I think you're in our seats." So we move down a few. "Actually, that's ours as well."


12 MusicLovesYou
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 16:47
James, well said, never a truer word spoken and on that note, I invite you all to join my Facebook Group 'Allow the Death Sentence for people who talk in the cinema'.

I set it up after going to see 30 Days of Night and having what was a decent movie completely ruined by 4 scally kids (2 boys 2 girls - think there was some kind of adolescent coupling going on) who persisted in jabbering in a Cestrian / Scouse twang (we were at the Cheshire Oaks Vue cinema, somewhere in-between Chester and Liverpool) throughout the adverts, the trailers and the film.

Me and my brother, not normally predisposed to telling people to, "shut the fuck up!" did so at regular intervals which increased in intensity until we simply decided to put up with it and leave.

It's not like it's cheap these days either; £7.60 a film so there's a tenner plus change gone if you want to buy some popcorn and a drink.

The group is an open one and I want people to join and use it as a forum to recount their tales of woe!

Matt Rogers...

13 the ageless stranger
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 16:55
Remember Shepard Book's line in Firefly?

".......... you'll be sent to a special level of Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre."

Says it all really.

14 TufnellStHubbins
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 17:06
That might just be the funniest thing i have read in a long time. completely agree except for the last one although having experienced it first hand (some guy sat next to me and my friend despite the theatre being ENTIRELY EMPTY) I know where you're coming from.

15 jonogage
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 17:10
excellent haha all very very true.

every cinema should have this posted on the door as you enter a screen life would be so much easier.

16 The Kevmiester
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 17:13
A bit of advice for you James; never go to the odeon in wester hales (Schemesville) in edinburgh and if you have to go to cineworld in dundee street, go on a week day when everyone else is at work.

My most hated moment i n the cinema: Phone rings. "Hi, I cant really talk ruight now..... I'm in the cinema.... the CINEMA.... eh.. Return of the King.... Yeah the Lord of the Rings thing.... Nah like half way through it, its orite (allright in scottish) ... Nah no that bad.... Anyway man see ya later eh.... aye se you"


17 Hol5x
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 17:16
James, you're my religious hero.
Thou art Moses, it really can't be denyed.
I agree with all fo these, especially the one about people talking - we went to see No Country For Old Men at the Tyneside Cinema in Newcastle/Gateshead a couple of weeks ago, and the two nannas sat behind us talked all the way through the film - "Oooh, I like a good fish and chip supper", "Is that Tommy Lee-Jones?", "What's a tracking device?" etc. All genuine comments.
Sorry nannas, but please take it elsewhere. Especially now the Tyneside's student prices are £6 ish.
And the people sitting in front of you thing - we went to see Juno, a week after No Country, and we'd already been to another cinema (screening was full) before getting in. We were the only two people in the whole screen, until 3 dickhead lads sat directly in front of us. And it wasn't a sloped screen.


18 plum bob
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 18:11
i would like to agree with adding an 11th commandment on the whole smelly food front - seriously sitting through a packed cinema with whining kids when watching King Kong (3+hrs) and having the dumb old woman next to you wating a fucking jacket potato of all things - what a shit experiance - no one in the cinema under 17 can be rule 12!!!!!!

19 dahlia79
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 18:15
11. Thou shalt not give a running commentary of what is happening onscreen or loudly ask what is going on.
Examples: "what are they doing?" (during the sex scene in The Thomas Crown Affair); "Oh, does she die then?" (during the opening sequence of The Hours -she's Virginia bloody Woolf, you muppet, what do you think happens to her?); numerous "what have I missed?" when people break commandment number 6.
12. Thou shalt not listen to the football scores on a mini radio.
Seriously. This happened during a screening of The Insider where the audience consisted of me, my Mum, and four ****wits and a radio listening to the toon getting thrashed (probably). We did complain and we got free tickets to another screening -personally I'd have liked to have seen the film I'd already paid to watch.
Hol5x -you must have been unlucky at the Tyneside, it's usually the only place in Newcastle where people actually shut up and watch the film.

20 Hendrixx
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 18:46
Thou shalt not even *use* your phone during the performance. Even for texts.

Those damn phones light up like a beacon in a dark cinema... I seriously despise people who use them... Can't you be separated from your oh-so-important contacts for a few hours?! Chances are you'll also miss part of the film to boot.

Also... I'm one of these people who believe all audible food is right to be banned. I admire people who attempt to bring in quiet food (example: plastic boxes that need only be opened ONCE)... but everyone else can go to Hell.

Yeah, I'm a total cinema fascist... So much so, that if anyone talks, or even breathes in my general direction during a screening (especially one I really want to see) then they can expect at the least no reaction or, at extremity, some sort of physical reprimand.

21 durelius
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 19:15
Couldn't agree with all of these more, I would like to add an enforcement that no babies/toddlers should be admitted to a screening whatever the time.
I have had the misfortune of sitting through a number of 12A blockbusters (aren't they all nowadays) only to have a screaming baby in the row in front of me, a 3year old who was more interested in running up and down the row in between seats than what was on screen. I had a woman on her with a baby and a 3 year old, the baby was asleep and quiet by the toddler was climbing over the seat and trying to get on my lap ! and experienced young children screaming in obvious terror when lots of loud action was happening on screen. Probably serves me right for going to see stuff like Spiderman 3, Superman returns etc and I'm sure these experiences actually affected my overall feelings about those films which were obviously disappointing given the hype.
These things occurred at screenings between 5-30 to 6-30pm I prefer to go straight from work to avoid the crush of peak times.

22 marlo
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 19:22
I agree with all of the above. The toilet one especially. I can forgive a youngish child for having to pop out to the loo mid-movie but what is it about teenage girls and the loo. In and out, in and out all the way through the fucking movie. Sometimes in two's sometimes in three's. I know they're only going out to talk about the boys in their party so why choose the cinema as a date? Go somewhere else where you're not bothering people by going to the loo. Mcdonald's for instance. You know you're going to end up working there anyway so why not get to the know the place now!

23 DeadlyDave
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 19:54
13 Thou shalt not text or even remove the mobile from your pocket
I don't care if your not making any noise, the bright back lit screen of your phone with the stupid picture of your chaved up motor or cute fluffy dog is still bloody distracting! Whatever it is IT CAN WAIT!
I takes you out of the captivating, awe inspiring bubble of any compelling film like a slap in the face after a poorly attempted yawn & stretch move.
Which brings me to.....

14 Thou shalt not try the yawn & stretch move if your sitting in font of me
Try it and your arm 'll bend in 3 new places.

24 charlie_10000
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 20:21
Brilliant! Def for a smelly food commandment to be included tho, I paid to be in a cinema not the local fast food outlet!
Also no 11: Thou shalt not if you decide to leave mid-way through a film decide to argue about the decision whilst still in the room! During sweeny todd a couple left but the guy obv didnt want to go & they had a loud whispering arguement for a few minutes in the aisle.

25 crimebusterofthesea
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 20:36
When I went to see I Am Legend a girl beside me answered a call on her phone not once, not twice but thrice!

Her and her friend then left!Halfway through the bloody movie!

I remember going to see Dreamgirls and laughing too much when I shouldn't have.So I have sinned oh Lord!I have sinned!

Agree with all you said though.I don't see the point in sweets, popcorn, or drinks at all in cinemas.Unless it's a 'popcorn movie', Rambo etc...

26 crimebusterofthesea
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 20:38
Also no phones

At all.A friend of mine is a serial texter-during-a-film

27 hellsfoxes
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 21:32
I feel some important ones were definitely missed. This reeked havoc in the 90's and still plagues many screenings, especially if you find yourself in the cinema during holidays. F&@KING LASER POINTERS!!!! come on, seriously the worst most annoying thing.

Also, I think we can be more specific about people who talk loudly. Some only commentate on the film as you have said. BUT FAR WORSE, are the comedians in the audience. The ones who believe their grasp of social consciousness, or who are just out to impress their group of friends or girls who they are with, you know, they were the ones who shouted out "look its dobby!" when gollum appears in two towers.

side note, best behaved audience I've ever been in? the first time I saw Blair Witch. I thank god for that screening, it was so quiet and tension so palpable you could have suffocated on it. Next best screening, SOUTH PARK MOVIE. grown men were falling around in the aisles... literally

theres a time and place people

28 Ethanial
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 22:04
You're moaning because one M&M hit you?
Big shame, you know, not like you experienced some real fun Spider-man 3 experiences, i mean half a tub of popcorn from the back row to thrown to the front, that's a fair few rows, i believe it ends at T...
And why moan about film food, if you want people to spend so much on actual concessions rather than cheaper and, realy, tastier foods you shouldn't have much of an opinion.
Seems like there's too much of a high horse thing going on, i was all for it until it descended from parodical and occasional relatable into complete and untter disrespect for the sheer fun of seeing a film with lots of people around, what's the point of seeing something like Rambo or Shoot Em Up without a crowd to react to it, adding to the quality, i guess you can call it that.

29 Angusto
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 22:11
I've got a mate whose boyfriend tried to get 'physical' during No Country for Old Men...
I'm not going to degrade them and name them. But I will say this...

"If it's a Coen...don't get going!"

30 Juliette
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 22:32
I'm sorry, just so you can enjoy the movie, I have to squirm in my seat, desperately needing to pee, for 3 hours????!!!!!

I am a woman. Some of us ladies (though not all), due to unfortunate facts of biology, need to go to the loo quite often. We do not do this out of choice; I have paid to see the movie and would like to see all of it. I do not buy drinks in the cinema for this very reason. But sometimes, it can't be helped. What do you suggest, we should just pee on the seat? I think that would ruin your experience more...

I do also do the talking thing, though I do not chatter all through a movie, nor do I talk loudly, not do I talk during serious or important scenes. I feel people should appreciate the service I provide - an amusing commentary on a movie! I did feel quite irritated when, having laughed and made a small comment during the beginning of The Queen, someone snapped at us 'It's not a comedy!' Well, the bits about the death of Princess Diana are, of course, not funny, but that early scene with Tony Blair kneeling in front the Queen is, in fact, comic, Ms Whingy.

31 s0307881
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 22:40
Here here. I HATE everyone in the cinema. Went to watch There Will Be Blood earlier, just my girlfriend and I. The rest of the audience was made up of over 50's. Now given the fact that the over 50's complain about young people (i'm 22) having no manners, it was incredibly infuriating that the rest of the audience didn't stop talking through the whole freaking film. One woman in particular was the worst. Not only commenting on everything that happened, but doing so in a ridiculously stupid fashion. An example: when Plainview is asleep on the bowling alley (snoring loudly) the woman piped up "ooh i bet he's dead isn't it". Yes dead, like you would be if there were no consequences.

32 Nat nat
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 23:07
totally agree with you! im a cinema nazi, if any one speaks (continuously) i tell them to be quiet, sometimes loudly. once i silenced about 10 12year old chavs. they were REALLY shouting and running around and it was literally 2 seconds before the film was to start and i just screamed "will you be quiet?!", magically they shut up for the rest of the film! hhahaha!

ive also had sweets poured over my head by stupid kids and got people thrown out for being twats. i second your point: why why WHY go to the cinema if youre not going to watch the film?

bring back usherettes! big, bouncer like usherettes!

33 Kmadden2004
Posted on Thursday February 28, 2008, 23:47
Now this is the reason why I go to the afternoon showings during the weekdays... There's nobody there. True, it did make 'Team America' less funny, but somehow added a little something to 'I Am Legend'...

But my experience seeing 'Fellowship of the Ring' for the first time will forever be sullied by the fact that some guy two rows behind me actually called someone on their phone and had a ten minute conversation. THE BLOOD ARROGANCE!!!

I would of said something if he weren't a big burly guy, and I weren't ony 15.

And don't even get me started on when I saw '30 Days of Night'! Typical couple sitting in front of me having a conversation all the way through! "Oh so it's about vampires is it?" Read the reviews you stupid woman!!! Look at the poster!!! It has a guy with FANGS!!! FANGS!!! Does that not give you a teensey-tiny clue!!!?

Rant over... just needed to get that off my shoulders.

Honestly, these blogs are better than therapy.

34 littlechris
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 00:12
Yeah but sometimes even going on weekdays can be bad; like when I went to see The Bourne Ultimatum on a Thursday afternoon and had a load of Charvers (that's the correct Northern Spelling by the way) come in and talk all the way through it. What makes it worse is that there are hardly any staff in to come in and kick them out so you're left to suffer in silence - and before anyone says anything about 'doing something about it myself' it's one of me against as group of them and I'm no Jason Bourne, I'm barely Alex Rider!

35 museman
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 00:29
I'd have to say, I think that Cinemas are going down the crapper these days. I recently went to see 'Jumper' at a multiplex, and to be perfectly frank it's not the audience that does my head in, but rather the overpriced confections and lame staff getting-paid-for-doing-sod-all!

I think if cinemas realised that they are there for the sole purpose of providing cinematic entertainment to Mr and Mrs John Q Audience, then they would do away with the pointless arcade games, and ridiculously expensive pick 'n' mix and focus on keeping the yobbos out, and attracting the rest of the civilised world into a place where you can lose the cares of the social jungle, or the pressures of the workplace for an unspecified amount of time.

It's time we realised that we have the power to change things that we have a problem with by actually voicing our concerns and not being all 'British' and bitching on a forum where it will never change anything. (Challenge accepted Empire?)

Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea, constructively seeking to change things for the better, and taking what is ours back from the ASBO's.

36 jennifer1981
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 01:05
The worse offence by far has to be people talking, quickly followed by rustling refreshments (If you must eat sweets/ crisps, take one of the cardboard popcorn boxes from the foyer and pour them in before the film starts!). I went to see The Grudge one year on Halloween (I know, what I was thinking) and the cinema was packed. Two teenagers dressed like they were going trick-or-treating straight after spend the first half an hour commenting on everything they thought had/ might/was/could/should’ve happen/ed. When one of them said “I’m sooooo going to buy this on DVD when it comes out” my husband snapped and turned to them and said “if you’d just shut up and watch the film now you wouldn’t have to buy it” (although he wasn’t so polite) and was promptly given a round of applause from the three rows surrounding us. Elizabeth: the Golden Age was ruined by a couple that second-guessed every single scene despite me, my sister and another woman asking them to shut up. I asked a group of girls to leave Moulin Rouge for gossiping throughout (not even about the film) and they did. In fact I could name many more films where the experience was, if not ruined, certainly tainted by inconsiderate morons who think they are still in their living-room. I went to the cinema with a friend who talked through Crash. We are still friends but I have never been back to the cinema with her.

37 bobthegrinch
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 01:18
Don't go to the toilet during a screening? Yeah what a brilliant idea. I don't know about anyone else but my bladder doesn't do what I tell it. I either need to pee or I don't and when I need to pee, I go. I'd rather someone get up and go than having to sit listening to someone moan about how they're desperate or alternatively sit down and find my seat is wet and the cinema screen stinks of piss because some snob from Empire who thinks he's the authority on all things film and his personal enjoyment matters the most because he gets paid for watching them told us we shouldn't go. Honestly.

I agree about the talking though. It's just ridiculous. If you want to talk, go to the pub or summat.

38 meltbananastu
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 01:18
well, since my local was the multiplex in hull, i have long given up trying to enjoy a film at the cinema (the last one i saw was shaun of the dead, which some cunt ruined by throwing his shoe across the screen every five minutes) and now sit at home, with some home made popcorn (thats right, i dont spend 7 pound per kernel like i am expected too) and watch the films thanks to a whacking great projector (probably the best thing i have ever bought) and the joys of downloading. and if anyone still thinks this is a bad thing, i advise you to try and enjoy a film at your local cinema, and then come back to me. i am a movie fan, not a cinema go'er, and as such dont see why i should have to pay up to 15 pounds to go and see a bass heavy version of a film which i could see for free in my air conditioned bedroom. with whoever i see fit at my side, not some 13 year old reprobate named kevin who managed to get into an 18 rated movie thanks to his brother working on the desk, and whose sole purpose in life is to fucking ruin everyones enjoyment. lets face it, this is the 21st century, we can barely leave our houses, let alone waste our money on another shite night out. utorrent is the answer to your woes people, stop complaining and start enjoying.

and dont bother putting wrath filled comments back, theres nothing wrong with a sexy bit of piracy

39 Turpentine
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 04:09
I have never, ever seen anyone in a cinema wearing night-vision goggles.

Maybe I've been lucky, or maybe they were wearing invisibility suits as well. I don't think it would bother me that much unless they were trying to sneak up and steal my nachos (which I don't even chew unless I know the scene is so loud that the person beside me won't even hear).

40 steveo.1985
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 09:29
My number one hate in the cinema is STUPID people!!!
Example: Was at The Bourne Ultimatium, 14 year old guy sitting across from me with his ditzy, blonde, airhead girlfriend. Now I find out near the begining of the film that she "has never seen one of dem Bourne fims before"!!
Then it starts she hasn't a clue whats going every couple of minutes there's a question "Who's he?", "What's he doing?", "Why are they after him?", "Is he a good guy?", "Do you want a Malteaser?" god I lost it I asked her to "Please be quite" this didn't work, so I tried "Shut the fuck up!"
Now at the time I worked in said cinema so I texted the manager (I know I shouldn't have a phone on in there, but I didn't want to leave to complain) any way I then tell her "If you don't shut up, your out!!" she laughed and 5 mins later she was escorted out by the manager!!

Same thing in Pirates 3, a teenager behind me exclaims "What the fucks going on, sure I've never seen one of these films before"
To which I reply "Well I have, so shut your fuckin' mouth OK?"
And that was him quite for the night, if only they were all that easy

41 Ricorodrigeuz
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 10:04
When I was with friends watching Casino Royale is a nearly full cinema, only my luck could be so bad as to sit right next to a 60 year old lady who sat there and talked to herself throughtout the film, making small coments to herself. It was a nightmare but at least it didn't ruin the film for me.

A word of warning for you all. Never see a Harry Potter film when theres a chance mothers will be taking their children who are too young to see the film. It's really distracting and I hope cinemas try to be more strict on the age limit judging from some of the comments from above.

42 sdilku
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 10:16
On a related note, is anyone else fed up with the way almost all cinemas bring their lights up the SECOND credits begin to roll?

There are many reasons I might want to stay for part or all of a film's credits. To wit:

1. If it is a particularly emotional finale, I need a moment to compose myself, and bringing up harsh house lights completely destroys all opportunity for this, not to mention ruining the mood completely.

2. The end credits might contain a good song or music score that I would like to sit and listen to (especially if its a music score by John Williams). I appreciate that a cinema is not a concert hall, but still...

3. Sometimes amusing gags can be found during or after the end credits, particularly on comedies or Pixar films. Therefore, the film isn't properly over and the lights should remain down.

4. There is a real trend at present towards minimal opening credits and elaborate closing credits (see Ratatouille for a good recent example). These imaginative title sequences deserve to be seen properly, not with the house lights up.

5. Apart from anything else, having the credits roll in the dark gives the cinemagoer the choice of exactly when they pull themselves out of the imaginary world they have just immersed themselves in, and the opportunity to rejoin the real world in their own time.

However, on rare occasions, I do RUN from the cinema the second credits begin. When the Don Juan film with Marlon Brando ended, I fled like a headless chicken, determined that I would not listen to a second more of Bryan Adam's excruciatingly bad end credits track than I absolutely had to ("Tell me have you ever really ever really ever really really ever really loved a woman..." etc etc).

43 TheMYTH
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 10:31
first of all, i totally agree with all of these commandments
no exceptions
i was in the cinema trying to enjoy Hot Fuzz but sum knob shiners from the back row kept playing "chav chunes" an throwing skittles or sum shit at me and my lady friend
so i add commandment 14 thou shalt not play music in the screen

an my lady friend has a habit of the running commentary/question bit, one of her worst was when we went to watch I am Legend, an she kept sayin things she thought would happen in the form of a question like "he's gonna catch one isn't he?" "he's hunting isn't he" "thats bob marley isn't it?" "he's black isn't he?" and she asked "is he going to die?" i hadnt seen it before, so i had no idea

is this a dumpable offence?

44 Ry
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 11:14
I'm afraid, I dissagree with keir too! Go to the Reading Festival, find the cinema tent, and yell as many Withnail quotes as you can at the screen with everyone else, or see Jaws on Brighton beach and cheer the shark on!
But come to my multiplex with your 'crew' and treat it like a Slag and Lettice and I'll f*cking end you! The only people I've seen frequenting the movies @ weekends in hordes, ruining it for everyone else, are daft chavs with nothing better to do.
I'm sorry you were turned away from Yates's for looking like a 12 year old hooker, and you smell too much like chip fat for the theater, but if you want audience interaction, go to a f*cking Panto! The screen will never talk back, you tw*ts!!

x x

45 livewire
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 11:18
Total Agreement with these and the notion that they should be posted in all cinemas.

Deffinately agree on the feet off the seats, soft chewy sweets only, and if the trailers are on you're late. Some people go to see the trailers in particular. (i swear i'll kill anyone that walks in in the middle of the new iron man trailer, or the Full dark knight trailer)

One other i'd like to add. If your drinks holder feels empty it probably is. There is no excuse for impersonation of a vacumm cleaner whist trying to remove the last molecule of what was your fizzy drink from the container. You wouldn't lick your plate in a posh restraunt, it's just rude.

46 zccab35
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 12:14
Absolutely hilarious. I have not laughed like this in ages. Excellent!

47 filmburner30
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 12:36
Well done that Man .
What ive noticed is it tends to be Ballonheaded Ugg boot wearing girls anfd Chav scum who ruin some of my movies.
I suggest a caged seating area with a soundproof booth for these dick wads to sit in ,so that us true Movie goers can get some peace.

Totally agree with the cheering the action bit youre not on Oprah so dont do it ok

48 Halfling
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 12:58
James Dyer, you are my hero - as it's the 29th, will you marry me??!! If you really want your blood to boil, try the Vue at Leicester - I'm not kidding, every bloody time, I draw the peasants like moths to a flame! Try adding - Thou shalt not take 5 yr old to a Bourne movie then explain the plot all the way through!!!! (actually, this isn't just reserved for Bourne movies as all 12A's now draw families who seem to think it cheaper to bring the brats to the movies rather than hire a babysitter) And the sweet wrapper thing? There were loud bits galore in all 3 Rings movies - so why the hell did everyone go for the sweets during the quiet intimate moments????!!!!

49 jackmansgirl
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 13:04
My normally sweet-natured brother did commit number three I'm afraid, when we went to see King Kong, however I feel he must be excused due to extreme provocation. A gaggle of giggling youngsters had settled themselves down at the front and proceeded to argue, laugh loudly and phone everyone they knew. He politely asked me if he could have a handful of my Revels and launched them in their direction. We couldn't even hear Jack Black.

Fair play to the cinema - they asked the offending group to LEAVE.

50 Trolls
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 13:05
This has got to be one of the best blogs that Empire has ever had! I think a possible addition could be 'thall shalt not bring your child to see a film that they are obviously too young for'. Happenend to me in The Golden Compass. OK, fair enough, it's a kids film, but I swear to god there was a mother in the audience with a baby on her lap, which then proceeded to cry at multiple points during the film!
On another point, have to agree with the previous post about silence during Cloverfield. In the screening I was at I think it happened in the scene where he's on the phone to his mother in the tube station. Don't know if that's ever happened to me before - it was a complete revelation and testament to the power of that particular film.

51 alantryan
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 14:46
I went to see Unforgiven on a Friday afternoon to try and avoid the joy of the communal experience. The cinema was empty, until a guy came in and sat right next to me! I asked him what did he think he was doing, and he needed to move. He moved away, with a look of puzzlement! Weirdo.
This was nothing in comparison with Schindler’s List. I went in the evening, it was packed, with a palpable tension in the air. A guy was sitting behind me, who obviously had no idea what was happening. For example, and I quote(he was so loud, he was shouting)"what, this is in black & white! why is it in black & white","there's germans in this!", and my favourite"crinkle, crinkle, munch, munch, mmm, what one?"
As one, the whole row turned and stared daggers. He slowly got up and left.

52 Juno14
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 14:47
Ah, the joys of being a film fanatic. It's abit like growing up, you know you are doing things that would annoy other people (like say demanding that they not eat, keep still, slouch and generally just be absent from the cinema altogether) but at the same time, you have good reasons for your somewhat harsh point of views!! Film is a fickle thing, and while it is a just a tag along to a dinner for some people, it is a hallowed, sacred space of wonderment that allows you to become immersed into a movie to others. And if you are currently reading this, it means you have read the blog and read most of the other comments, so chances are, you are one of them too!

Oh and James, I haven't forgiven you for leaving the live chat on Oscar night!! When Ollie left us, we all petitioned you for a little mention, but did we get one? Noooo...

For that I am going to report you to the authorities. I mean surely what you are doing must be illegal, as side-splittingly hilarious as I have to admit that blog was, do you honestly think its fair that this is your WORK??

53 shanstark
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 15:56
I completely agree with all, especially #10. That absolutely drives me crazy. I was at the theatre quite a few times and that happened. There were 8 people in the whole theatre and a couple sat directly in front of us, not over one or two seats, DIRECTLY in front of us. I mean if you're so concerned about getting the primo seats then get there early. You did leave one out that I have to add. #11 SEAT KICKING. I sat through Lord Of The Rings: Return of the King and almost killed the people behind me. The problem is that the theatres now a days have the seats attached in a row so although it feels like the person directly behind you in kicking it, they're not it's the dude three seats down. 2 1/2 hours of movie watching with a seat kicker is like Chinese Water Torture.

54 reservoirdoll1987
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 16:19
Re: the talking thing - it is at its worst when your so-called friends do it. I remember going to see the first Spider-Man with my then-best friend, and all the way through she kept asking inane questions along the lines of "Who's that?", "What he did just say?" (ie, whilst I was answering her question) and "Is this a dream?" For fuck's sake, it's Spider-Man - not even a lobotomised hamster would need to ask who someone was in a Spider-Man film! Anyway, after about an hour of this and repeatedly telling her through clenched teeth, "Just watch it!" the guy on the row behind me in no uncertain terms to shut up! Had it not actually been a reasonably good film (and the fact her dad was picking us up) I would fully have walked.

I also once went to the cinema with said friend another time and she and another friend spent the entirety of the trailers having a popcorn fight. Now I like to actually watch trailers, as I don't get to go to the cinema very often and occasionally see things I might like to watch some time in the future in the trailers. Just as the film started one of them threw the bucket of popcorn at the other one, it missed and hit me. Cue everyone else finding it hilarious. I, on the other hand, did not. And then my bag of overpriced Minstrels exploded over the row in front.

Also can it be a commandment that there are no TV adverts before the film? I don't want to pay £6 or whatever it is to sit through 20 minutes of adverts before the trailers, meaning I've been sitting there for about 45 minutes before the two- or three-hour film starts, especially considering if I really wanted to watch adverts I wouldn't pay for the privilege. Therefore either abolish or amend the toilet rule: you may go in the adverts if you really need to.

This said, not all early screenings are awful. I went to Sweeney Todd with some friends the other week at York Cityscreen on a Thursday night - packed cinema, but nobody talking or rustling or on their phones. Bliss.

55 HenryMarshall
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 16:24
Please can we add this one...

THOU SHALT NOT (on pain of death) bring your newborn baby into a movie which is certificate 18 and then spend the whole movie standing up and rocking it back and forth while it cries, before "popping out" every half an hour to calm it down.

Seriously, this was my experience during 30 Days of Night.....what kind of responsible parent takes a baby into a screening like that. I'll tell you - NO KIND!

Also one for the cinemas themselves. THOU SHALT TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN, ALL THE WAY! Nothing more annoying that half light in the cinema. It's meant to be dark as shit and if the kiddies spill their ice cream down themselves because they can't see then its tough luck.

56 phatcatslimm
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 17:07
Pretty damn good but with regards to:

"6. Thou shalt not use the lavatory whilst the feature is in progress"

I don't subscribe, it's not good to go mid feature and should be avoided at all costs but sometimes you just have to go. I had a friend who held it. He ended up getting cystitis.

Also, movies are getting even longer and longer. If I have to go in the middle of King Kong, I'm gonna go because I'd rather annoy a couple of people rather than piss myself.

57 fingerwitch
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 17:17
Amen to that - once I was sitting alone in a theatre in the fourth to last row and three people came, sat directly behind me and kicked my chair. That was when I saw Children of Men and I'm still sore about it. People have no respect...

58 shinysavage
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 17:22
My worst experience was Fellowship of the Ring; it got off to a bad start - a load of idiots finding it highly amusing to shout 'boogies!' at the screen for some inexplicable reason - but truly peaked just at the Weathertop scene. And sadly, it was due to the cinema, not the audience.
They put a break in. Seriously.
Just before one of the most important points of the film, they stopped it and started playing a popcorn advert. I was far from impressed!

My second worst experience was the other day, with Jumper - my friend had to leave the screen twice to ask them to a) focus and b)actually project the thing up on the screen.

As for the rules, talking in films should be banned, unless truly urgent. Toilet breaks should be avoided, but are sometimes unavoidable (I myself have had to flee a film briefly, although this was largely due to a stomachache so bad I thought my stomach was actually going to burst. How much of this was due to watching 300 at the time I am still uncertain). Everything else I agree with completely.

59 jimbo82g
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 18:30
How about:

Thou shall not say "That's funny" or explain why you laughed after each minor giggle.

Nearly killed the teens who were doing that behind me the other day. Grr....

60 Nick de Semlyen
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 20:07
I went to see King Kong with my parents at their local multiplex in Watford, and a bunch of teenage girls in front of us talked through the entire thing. The nadir of stupidity came when one of them said loudly: "This ain't as good as the book."

If my folks hadn't been there I may well have strangled them all.

61 mintoffee
Posted on Friday February 29, 2008, 23:52
Reading the commandments made me realize I have a split personality where cinema going is concerned. I guess most of the posters don't have kids based on all the anti-kid comments. I however, have 3, thankfully all now teenagers, and have spent most of the last fifteen years going to all the kiddie films available. As a consequence I have become much more accepting of kids doing kid things in the cinema. If you really want to see how bad things can be you should try the Sat or Sun morning Kids Club at my local Omniplex (Limerick, Ireland) Yelling, Screaming, Kicking, Loud Sweets, Talking, Toilet Breaks are all par for the course. Somehow I can switch off from these distractions. Some showings of more grown up films are also going to attract kids or teens, so don't go to blockbusters on the weekend before about 8 or 9pm or weekdays after school.
I may sound like bloody Mary Poppins, but woe betide anyone who disturbs me when I go to a film just for me... I turn into a combination of Eva Braun and Attilla the Hun. It has been so rare that I get to see good grown up films that I want to be able to enjoy them without any distractions. I generally go to fairly late showings to avoid as many of the "c'meer I wancha" element as possible.("Come here I want you" being the greeting of choice amongst the fake tanned girls and hoodie wearing lads in Limerick... Irish Chavs) Its at these showings that I expect all of the above commandments to be followed to the letter or else.... I have been known to turn round and glare menacingly in the dark at people doing anything that upsets me. I'm afraid I'm far too polite to actually say anything and tend to just seethe in silence. This doesn't exactly enhance my viewing pleasure.
2 more suggestions:1. Don't go to the cinema if you're sick... Don't want to spend half the film wondering if your sneeze has deposited spit all over the back of my head. 2. If you are 6'5" sit at the back or the side but not in front of 5'4" me.!!!

62 BethN21286
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 04:09
11. Thou shalt not consume a rivers bounty through the cylinder of the devil.

People can go 3 days without water before dying, the movie is ninety minutes. Therefore you do not need a cup bigger than your head to sustain you in the harsh and rugged terrain of an air-conditioned cinema. There will not be any more in the bottom of your cup now than there was when you finished it fifteen minutes ago. Sucking harder will not make your cup take on mary-poppins like dimensions and refill itself so stop sucking on your bloody straw!

You slurp, you die. It's really quite simple.

May I also point out this negates the need for you to disrupt the entire row and those in the three rows behind you as you 'quietly' exit to visit the little boy/girl's room.

63 SirTiger
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 08:22
Funniest. Blog. Ever.

64 wee_retty
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 11:06
Number 6 is rubbish, it's not always because people drink too much, some people just really need to go. Although I do think that if people know they might need to go they should sit on the isle. However, a couple of years ago I suddenly fell very ill in the cinema after having been perfectly fine all day, and needed to dash to the loo to throw up. Would you have wanted me to be sick in the cinema? Surely that would be a worse experience.

The talking thing irks me so much! Chavs and old people are the worst. We go to a couple of family movies every year with my gran, who thinks it's necessary to tell me what's going on, or explain why things were funny, and then she laughs at things which aren't funny at all. Telling her to be quiet never works. How to you get your gran to shut up? :(

65 tanchalluno
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 11:12
11. Thou shalt not look at thy texts whilst the film is ongoing. Cinemas are dark places (literally, not metaphorically) and every single person behind you will be distracted by your inability to go 2 hours without reading a text from your mummy telling you that dinner will be on the table at 8. If your social life is so important that you can't bear to go 120 minutes without checking to see if someone's contacted you, I suggest the cinema is not for you. And as for checking your mobile to find out the time... Well, option 1) get a watch, and option 2) *my favourite, incidentally, try not worrying about what time it is and actually watch the film.

Not many things irritate me more than this. Phones should be OFF, not on silent.

66 sportyrich2000
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 18:37
11. Thou shalt arrive BEFORE the film starts (preferably before the trailers)
12. Thou shalt not be a chav or even chav like in the cinema
13. Thou shalt not bring children under 2
14. Thou shalt not bear children if you have broken commandment 12

67 Edie575
Posted on Saturday March 1, 2008, 21:32
Kicking the back of the seat of the person in front of you, putting your feet over the chair in front of you or any other infringement of the personal space of the poors sods in front of you should result in the removal of the legs below the knee, simple as.

Also if you have to go to the loo do NOT upon your return to the auditorium hang around blocking the view of the poor unfortunates sat near the door because you can't remember where you were sitting. You may make a great picture but a great window you are not.

68 lssl
Posted on Sunday March 2, 2008, 00:15
To all of you that have suffered in silence after undergoing the torture of being repeatedly kicked in the back by some 14 year old chav who most certainly does not have parkinson's disease, or have had the displeasure to sit through entire phone conversations, or felt like one more sweet wrapper would ellicit a rage greater than Jack Torrence's, there is a solution.

It's easy, and requires no direct verbal or physical confrontation: Just stand up and stand still. Stand up until the already confused perpetrator understands. It might take a while depending on the nature of said perpetrator. At no point must you turn round or make contact him/her/it/tit. If him/her/it/tit challenges you by attempting to make contact with you, hold you ground, for you are certain that the persons sitting 2 to 3 rows behind you (depending on the slope of the room) will join forces with you and twat the perpetrator round the back of the head. Get your allies to do your dirty work. I have tried this technique many times and can guarantee its efficacity.

On another note, I recently went to watch No Country for Old Men, and *SPOILER* right after TLJ's speech, a couple of americans shouted "What?! you've GOT to be kidding me". A perfect moment, ruined.

And I'd also like to suggest another rule: I personally enjoy sitting through the end credits of a good film to take the time to reflect upon the experience while the credit music plays. With that in mind:

Thou shalt not pressure me into getting up from my seat when the end credits play because I am blocking your exit. Walk the extra few steps in the opposite direction; if the exit is blocked there too, sit back down and be patient. The film isn't over until the lights come back on.

Which leads me to another rule:

Cinemas should not be allowed to turn on the lights as soon as the credits appear, or if so, make it a gradual process.

69 Oliver Sim
Posted on Sunday March 2, 2008, 10:11
All of those are great, but i have got one to suggest that always gets on my nerves:

Thou shalt not stick thy hands up and create shadows in front of thy projector, you sad twat.

And for god's sake DO NOT HAVE YOUR PHONE ON!!!

70 Director777
Posted on Sunday March 2, 2008, 12:16
I totally agree. I went to see Cloverfield with a few friends and at the start when the girl is sleeping in the bed my friend decides to shout (as a joke)
"Look (friends name) you can see her feet!"
And then near the end when it gets real quite my friend decides to make he wanking noise (where you shake your cheek). Fortuenetly the cinema was practicly deserted. Excluding us, four people. Still, that didn't stop me from smacking my friend every time he made a dumb sound

71 spaceghostc2c
Posted on Sunday March 2, 2008, 17:49
11. Thou Shalt NEVER sleep in the cinema.

seriously? you just paid twenty quid to see this film, and decide to sleep through it? And if you decide to, dont snore. That's just evil.

72 bajoney
Posted on Sunday March 2, 2008, 23:18
Great blog!
Talking is definately one of the greatest cinema sins especially when said person has not got a clue what is going on, e.g. in LOTR ROTK when Frodoa and Sam drop thier lembas bread, the girl in front of me said "Oh no they dropped their sandwiches" she then preceded to ask what the big eye was for and not in hushed tones I might add.
Even worse than strangers talking is when your friend/cinema buddy asks questions whilst watching the film along the lines of "why'd he do that?" "whats going to happen?" "will they live?" I am watching the same movie and getting as much information as them, I do not have precognitive powers when it comes to movies unfortunately so please just sit tight and enjoy the whole moviegoing experience (as it could be their last wtih me :P), unless its hindered by chavs, munchers or seat kickers - grr!
Had the best screening of Cloverfield though - went after work on a Thursday and had the whole screen to myself - bliss!

73 rumblefish1976
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 01:17
Thou shalt not use the lavatory whilst the feature is in progress? Okay then, I shall use your half empty beverage cup instead. When you gotta go,you gotta go.

74 coztheginner
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 09:03
Cloverfield, a woman sat behind me kept telling her mates how, and I quote, "that would never happen".
Of course it wouldn't happen!!! When was the last time you saw a monster walking around Manhattan destroying everything in its path? To add insult to injury when it ended she said, loudly enough for everyone in the cinema to hear "Well, what a lod of bollocks. How shit was that?"
Seriously, just shut up. I don't care what you think. How I wish that movie had given her motion sickness.

75 the ageless stranger
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 10:07
When I went to see I Am Legend, there were a few young girls a few rows back from me and my friend who wouldn't shut up laughing and talking throughout the whole film. That's bad enough on its own, but once the film faded to black, one of them announced loudly to the other (in a thick Dublin scumbag accent) "Dat was de gayest fillem in de whole woooooorld!" That's not inaccurate spelling, I just need to give you in impression of how they sound.....

Honestly, I think for the greater good, someone (preferably me) should be stationed at the back of the cinema with a silenced sniper rifle. Anyone seen breaking any of the Commandments gets a clean headshot.

76 Kittys_Gremlin
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 10:08
Am I just lucky that I've never had any of these major problems!? Then again, I usually go to a relatively quiet cinema (I think the only people that know it exists are media students) during a weeknight & mostly for private screenings where everyone wants to watch the film & not talk/rustle/move in & out.

I think the cinemas themselves should also take some of the responsibility. I've accidently kicked the back of the seat in front of me a few times before due to lack of leg room & had it done to me.

As for the seating, I think you should sit in the seats you're assigned. I went to buy tickets during my lunch break so I could have the best seats & just because someone else got there before me does not mean they're entitled to those seats!

77 Jo Wareham
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 10:59
Additionally, though shalt not turn to the person sitting next to thou at the end of the trailers and sayeth "that was a good film wasn't it". This is not in any way directed at my mum. I'll sue if you say it was.

78 Alvy Singer
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 11:08
I've pretty much solved all of these problems - I've stopped going to the cinema. Films come out quickly on DVD these days. I can watch in the comfort of my own house with superior visuals and sound, can pause whenever I want, have a coffee, rewind bits if necessary, sit on a comfortable chair, watch it when I want to, minus ads and trailers. All for the princely sum of £3 rental or £10 (average) bought - both much less than the £20 plus for me and the missus to travel to the cinema.
(To the teenage girl who talked all the way through United 93 at Boston WestEnd then loudly stated at the end "Oh! is it a true story then?" - no manner of suffering is too great for you...)

79 Lupin 3
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 12:45
I will sit where I want James Dyer. I paid just as much as you for my ticket, no more, no less. Completely agree with all the rest though.

80 jimmyheslop
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 12:49
I haven't read all the responses but I would like to make 2 comments:
1. No food or drink whatsoever during the film - it is impossible to eat or drink silently.
2. It is OK to talk during the trailers and end credits. Any other time is forbidden.

81 tallaght24
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 13:53
Ha ha, agreed. I must say though, I have broken the 4th and 6th commandment many a time. Sorry, but when ya gotta go....ya gotta go.

82 hglazier
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 16:52
Couldn't agree with you more!! Especially commandments 9 and 10...grrr to all you idiots who talk throughout the film!!

83 sowasred2012
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 17:04
Hilarious, and I agree with all of them except (under special circumstances) numbers 2 and 10:

I don't care where YOU are sat, when I go to cinema I make it my mission to find the seat that is as equidistant from the screen and all speakers as possible, if you are sat in that perfect spot, prepare to be sat next to buddy.

While I would usually like to take a hot poker to anyone shouting things at the screen, one of the best cinema experiences I've had in recent years came on the opening night of Rocky Balboa. Being a big fan of the series I was ridiculously excited about being old enough to catch a Rocky movie at the cinema, as, it turned, was everyone else in the audience. The lights went down, THAT music came up - the entire theatre was chanting 'Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!' and it was that level of enthusiasm the whole through - for example, the big fight, it was like being there in the crowd, there was THAT much love for the character. Plus, I'll never forget, just as Rocky has finished giving his monumental "It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can GET hit and keep movin' forward" speech to his son, there was a guy in the audience who decided to shout "KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF, ROCK!" - in a normal situation the audience would've lynched him, but, again, such was the positive atmosphere that everyone in there was laughing their asses off. Absolutely brilliant experience.

84 jemba
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 17:25
i agree talking through films drives me crazy! whats worse- your friends talking. went to see harry potter 4 and my 2 friends who had absolutely no interest in HP came along for some stupid stupid reason. the result lots of talking and texting on phones. Instead of listening to my numerous SHUT THE HELL UP angry whispers, they laughed at me. and to make matters worse we were sat in the front row where you have to crane your neck to see.
another thing that bugs me is the constant "why is he doing that?", "what gonna happen to him?" "is he gonna die?" F**KING WAIT AND SEE!!!

85 leoniatkins
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 17:45
I couldn't agree more with this - especially number 10. However, this is not specific to cinema going. I often find people on the bus, tube or train deciding to sit next to me even when there are PLENTY of seats available all around. This drives me insane! Why do it?

Another thing that gets on my nerves is excessive popcorn munching. I know it's noisy stuff to eat at the best of times, but some people are just too noisy. And worst of all they carry on munching through critical, emotional (and therefore quiet) periods in the film. Stop it! Just chew the popcorn very quiet, don't chomp on it like a pair of irritated mechanical teeth.

86 cliff126
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 18:40
Although people seem to be attacking number 10, I agree that someone shouldn't really sit next to you even if there are many a seat available. Someone will sit next to you because they feel they will be frightened or shocked in some way from the film or they just want to sit next to you because they want attention.

The other commandments are alright-chavs are known to do these things.They rustle packets, shout at the screen, play on their mobiles before and during the film and just basically ruin it. During Spider-Man 3, some muppets decided to clap at the end of it. Ha! I've seen Shawshank and I would clap for that in the cinema. And if you see some filming the movie with some equipment, grab them and take them to the foyer for law and order. Don't let knock-off Nigel's get away with it. Enjoy the film.

87 tetchy
Posted on Monday March 3, 2008, 20:30
I paid my money like everyone else and I'll sit where I want, eat what I want, drink what I want, pee when I need and have any bloody hairdo I choose.
Ok I'll give you the phone and the sweet throwing but if someone beside me asks me a question I am polite enough to answer and if YOU don't like it then YOU piss off to some other seat or some other cinema.
This type of dictatorialism will not be tolerated in googolplex or any other house of cinematic repute I happen to be in.
Lighten up for the love of Yoda.
If you don't like being near the Great British Public go back to where ever it was you crawled or wait for the DVD.
Telling me not to laugh, pah.

88 Bondurant
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 05:51
I generally never had a problem with bad cinema decorum while living in the UK. Admittedly, I tried to avoid the multiplexes if possible by using the one cinema in Aberdeen (The Belmont - keep it real!) that showed decent movies. One exception was watching Transformers, on my own, during the week, on a school holiday. Wrong on all 4 counts. Curiousity is no excuse I know. However, 3 months ago I moved to Dubai. I was warned that cinema decorum here was non-existent but I presumed that it couldn't be as bad as all that? I mean, common sense surely prevails. Does it f**k. Not only is mobile usage common but the reaction (a SHHHHHHH chorus followed by whispered discussion) by ex-pats is worse than the offending phone call. Hey ho, serves me right for going to see I am Legend. The day I learn to stop watching blockbusters will be the day I don't have to deal with bad cinema manners. The Dark Knight won't count.

89 thimble
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 12:55
Additional ones for your consideration?

Thou Shalt Not Laugh At the Orange Advert
Subtitle: When You've Seen It Before Anyway And It Wasn't Funny To Begin With.

Thou Shalt Not Laugh Excessively During Art-House Films To Show How Clever You Are (And That You Get The Irony Of The Situation)

Not that I've got a thing with laughing or anything. I'm mean I laughed as much as the next person during JFK...

90 dougfam
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 13:10
Again, as with all movie fans, i broadly agree with your list. I would like to add a general one "Thou shall not have the same (disorganised) queue for overpriced concessions as for actual cinema tickets" and a couple of personal ones "Thou shall not emit howls of masculine agony when a lovely car is rolled and smashed in Casino Royal" (grow up guys - i'd much rather have Eva Green) and "Thou shall not embarrass your companions by sighing a 30 decibel lecherous sigh whenever Liv Tyler appears in the Fellowship Of The Ring".

91 White_Lady
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 13:50
Hee hee hee hee. There is a simple solution to all of this. Booby-trapped seats. Perhaps I shouldn't be giving away the idea that will make me millions, but someone really needs to start making seats which are decibel-sensitive and rigged to a trap door. Once the noise reached a certain level, said trap door is deployed and the offending chav (because it usually is) is deposited down a razor-lined chute into a soundproofed room where the wannabe WWF contestants, who were rejected because they were a bit too rough, are waiting to kick seven shades of shit out of them.

Clearly this is a prototype. There will of course be work carried out to incorporate sensors for backlights from mobiles, and whiffy food, a'la Professor Farnsworth's sniffometer.

92 Tosh
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 16:03
HAHA love it

number 11 deffo needs to be

Thou shalt not burp in ones face after eating a hot dog.

my pal thinks this is soo funny - its not your breath stinks!

93 Skyjunky21
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 16:37
By far the freakiest experience I ever had in a cinema was the breaking of commandment 10 - I had gone to see Independence Day at the very end of it's run, mid-week down Tottenham Court Road in London's west end. Unsurprisingly the cinema was empty so I sat in the middle with my popcorn. Some middle aged chap came in during the trailers and sat right next to me (I was a young lad in my late teens). I was thoroughly freaked out and asked not too politely if he was some kind of pervert and insisted he put his underwear back on and move (that last bit about the pants is made up in case you're wondering)!

94 Lee_The_Sarge
Posted on Tuesday March 4, 2008, 23:20
I have been going to the cinema at least once a week for the past 3 years and am really lucky in saying I have only had 3 problems. First halfway through Kiss Kiss Bang Bang a guy threw up down the aisle and then sat back and watched the rest of the film. Second in a screening of Fearless a group of people started talking with the excuse that it was subtitled so you did not need to hear it. They soon shut up when the guy in the row in front of them threatened to remove all their teeth with his knuckles. Finally in The Simpsons Movie where a woman had to explain every joke (and I mean each and every one, and even read out the post it on the VHS tape) to the bloke next to her.

I agree with most of the additional commandments here but would like to add one clause to the Mobile Commandment. You may only make your phone light up because you are turning it off because you forgot beforehand. Whilst it is still distracting and annoying it would be infinitely more annoying for it to actually ring.

95 Glass3005
Posted on Wednesday March 5, 2008, 12:40
There is a completely obvious solution to this: each town should have two cinemas, one with relaxed security that'll let anyone in (but still regarding the certification systems), and one for people who take their film seriously, the people who will never break these suggested 10 Movie-Going Commandments under pain of death (or eternal ban from cinemas, which is, unfortunately, more ethical).

96 alix
Posted on Wednesday March 5, 2008, 13:55
This one is to the cinema - thou shalt not vacuum clean the stairs outside the door at critical and emotional moments in the film.
In Brokeback Mountain, at the 'I wish I could quit you' moment, the cleaner at our local, very small, cinema thought they'd get the cleaning done early. There's only one set of doors between the stairs and the cinema and it's not like it's got surround sound, just Dolby stereo (yes the sound comes at you from BOTH sides!) so it's not very easy to hear anyway. Spoilt it all.

97 trogette
Posted on Thursday March 6, 2008, 01:06
Have taken babies to stuff I really wanted to see and wasn't about to piss about with the mum/baby bond thang to miss, FOTR is the only one really. Sat on the end of the row and took the waen out when she got upset, she didn't like the ringwraithes... For a kid with the middle name Eowyn to have been there on the first day it was released is something for her future, IMO.

Commandment 15 or whatever we're up to now... If thou art so bored that thou must fiddle about with thy phone, shuffle about in your seat and generally be a dickhead, please just leave. I'd rather have 2 seconds of someone stamping on my toes and obscuring my view than run the very real risk of arrest for assault for stuffing your phone where the sun doesn't shine...

98 clouha
Posted on Thursday March 6, 2008, 02:41
My worst experience was watching 40 year old virgin in the Warner Bros cinema in Bristol, all was well until around 30 Spanish students walked in (and Spanish students do NOT talk they shout I don't think their voice-boxes can function at a lower level) and yep they talked the whole way through, from whooping at a Seat ad to generally just talking the whole way through constantly walking in and out the cinema, usually a by walking out and then half the group would get out and follow said boy and then you could hear them talking by the entrance (!!!) and then they'd all come back in, clambering over the chairs and squawking at eachother. The woman by the side of me got so anoyed she tapped one on the head- qite had actuayl and asked them to shut up- it ended up with the manager being called- about an hour into the film! half of them got up and never came back the rest stayed but they still talked fomr time to time at least they stayed in their frigging seats that time! So it's not just charvers, although they are the most frequent offenders. These Spanish kids were so damned rude it made me think how polite we are as a country- even though we have a bad name.

I agree with all your points by the way James, EXCEPT the toilet one, I know it's annoying but once I had gone for a meal in the day and got food poisoning- didn't realise until I suddenly felt hot and shaky and legged it to the loo (this was in the middle of Ladykillers) and was promptly sick. I bought a water and went back in but I was fine haha...anyway sometimes you just have to leave!! lol.

99 adamei
Posted on Thursday March 6, 2008, 10:44
I agree with all commandments except number 10 ( My optimized audiovisual experience is more important than your personal space, sorry. feel free to ignore me, I surely am ignoring you) and the one about going to the toilet. If the choice really is between going to the toilet and wetting yourself, then please go. BUT usually this is not the case and if you know you have trouble in this area, then don't drink anything before the show. I honestly have a bladder the size of a pea, and I still don't need to in the middle of the movie.

Talking in movies is so unbelievably selfish thing to do, even thinking about it, in the safety of my office, makes me angry. The bastards! Who can anyone think that all the other people around them would be in any level interested in their inane pathetic little opinions? They should be sterilized for the sake of the human gene pool.

There's this sub-culture of movie-talkers that consists of young women acting stupid and scared in front of their boyfriends. This is disturbing and unhealthy on so many levels. Does guys really get some ego-boost from having to explain to the girl everything that happens on the screen right in front of them? If you can't follow the plot of a summer blockbuster, you really need to get that ADHD checked out.

And really, no excuses for children. You can teach children to behave in movies and concerts and restaurants. If they don't behave, then you need to go away. Period. The fact that you've managed to procreate doesn't mean your fellow men should be punished for it.

Posted on Thursday March 6, 2008, 23:14
I usually don't worry about such things while I am in the cinema. As I usually do not let petty little things bother me. I just go in and enjoy the experience.

101 bromblebe
Posted on Friday March 7, 2008, 02:41
Great article, and one that i can agree with on all points. So many times, films at the cinema have been ruined by inconsiderate people, namely the following:

Jason X - load of lads sat in front of us kept moving seats throughout the film, and subsequently got violent when we asked them to sit still. Ruined the film (although to be fair, Jason X was pretty dire.)

Juno, went to see this at work recently on a day off, and there was a group of women sat behind me to the left *chatting* all the way through the film. I cannot stand people who talk during a screening. It's when the ads are on, cuz I don't care about sodding TV ads at the cinema, but when people natter during the main feature, it irritates me no end, to the point where I have to ask people to be quiet.

Recently saw Aleins vs. Predator and what was an okay-ish film ruined by two twat yobs talking loudly throughout. In addition, they kept leaving and coming back into the film, obviosuly drunk. It's times like this that I wish I had a shotgun handy to take those people out, Duck Hunt style.

30 days of night was ruined by (again) bunch of teenagers making loads of noise throughout the film, which was a shame coz I actually liked it, which I wasn't expecting.

I think James Dyer's got it spot on about the ten commandment's thing - in fact, I think I'll suggest we do this at our next staff meeting. I wonder how that will go down with management?

102 kinge247
Posted on Friday March 7, 2008, 23:51
At last some sense has been spoken.

I would like to add the commandment
'Thou shall not put your stinking feet up on the seat next to my head'

This is so annoying and I would not normally say boo to a goose but i had to tell one obvious student behind me that I could smell his feet, I said it really loud during a quiet bit and quite a few people in the audience cheered.
I got offerred out by him afterwards but when I stood up he shut up cos i'm 6'2" and weigh 18 stone.

103 MissBrightside
Posted on Saturday March 8, 2008, 15:18
How about
'Thou shalt not try to claim a refund/refill because of your own stupidity'

I work at a cinema, and i've lost count of the amount of idiots i've had come up to me and ask for free refills of drinks/popcorn/ice cream because they're too stupid to be able to carry them properly. Or they give large drinks to their 4 year old children who decide to pick them up by the lid. Genius.

The funniest thing though is when people try and claim a refund because they didnt like the film THEY chose to watch. We actually had someone watch a whole film once and then ask for a refund because they thought it was terrible, the cheek. Although possibly the most worrying thing is that we actually do give them a refund if it's within the first 15 minutes or so of the film started. But quite frankly, if you choose to watch St Trinians, its your own damn fault if you dont like it.

Also, how about:
'Thou shalt not assume that you are better than the employees'

Customers seem to think that cause you work at the cinema, you're an idiot. We're not mind-readers, or as gullible as people seem to think. "I've got a student card but i haven't brought it with me" - well then you have to pay full price like everyone else! My personal favourite is when underage kids have to get their mummies in to try and prove how old they are; "I'm their parent, i'm their id! Besides someone their age doesn't have id" Seriously love, haven't you heard of a passport or birth certificate? Working at a cinema can send turn the nicest of people into quivering, angry wrecks. We should get hazard pay.

104 labyrinth4eva
Posted on Saturday March 8, 2008, 17:25
As someone who works for a certian cinema company i can totally understand where most ppl on here are comin from, i found someone in a screen the other day eating sushi!!! it was conviscated purely cos another customer had complained AND i thought they deserved it!! I certainly dont take ppls crap at work, if uve got crap loads of food from tesco in a carrier bag im gonna take it off u cos its more stuff for me to clean up after you cos ur lazy and disgusting, dropping it all!! dont get on ya hight horses about the prices of stuff on site, YOU DONT HAVE TO BUY IT IF YOU DONT WANT TO!!! You also dont HAVE to eat anything at all, i rarely do!! its distracting, i cant bear the noise i create myself from the rustling popcorn bag!! and if u ever happen to be in a screen with me when im watching a film and u decided to talk, YOU WILL BE THROWN OUT!!! im not sitting there to listen to u chat about your mates breakup-im there to watch Juno have a baby! people have PAID ALOT OF MONEY to sit in front of that film! show some respect and a little bit of basic manners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

105 collycovcov
Posted on Saturday March 8, 2008, 17:55
If only cinemas would ban people who come in after a film starts. It bugs me enough when people come in during the film trailers.

Not only is it pathetic time keeping, these people double their points tally for ignorance by taking 5 minutes getting seated. Thi scan be anything from standing in a dark room, looking for a seat, moving seats or standing up 3 times to take their coat off or rearranging their snacks.


But on the other hand in 25 years of cinema going, off the top of my head I can't remember anybody getting up and complaining about anything or one.

106 oui3d
Posted on Saturday March 8, 2008, 19:00

The last time i went to the cinema (My girlfriend doesn't suggest cinema outings anymore)
i tried very patiently to endure the Ritalin deficient motions of someone 5 seats along and a row back. (we're talking OVER excitement here)

I glanced, I glared, I asked politely but firmly for them to quit it, then being well and truly out of the film by then i got up and stood in front of them and told them to move if they found it so difficult to remain relatively static (in a low rent UGC no raked seating) A bit of an argument ensued (along the lines of "I dont pay to have my seat rocked) but.. they kept still, until the credits when the row continued... up until a threatened beating.

(Cinema trips are still precious to me - especially at nearly 7 quid a throw!)

It's not big or clever and made for very uncomfortable evening. But definitely warrant an addition to the commandments!

107 eaws1
Posted on Saturday March 8, 2008, 22:50
I have to agree with Ageless Stranger (post #11). When the screening is virtually empty, I'll sit wherever I like and I would expect others who turn the corner to see patches of people sat in the auditorium to use their common sense and be flexible about where they sit exactly. It's made especially worse when the lights are down and ads, trailers or the film itself has started and some idiot is scrabbling around in the dark checking seat numbers - JUST SIT DOWN!

Seat kicking, people talking and answering calls/texts also irritate me.

108 ilander66
Posted on Sunday March 9, 2008, 21:59
How come a state of the art cinema sound system cannot compare with the sound of a bag of sweets being eaten? how can they be so loud!!

I love the cinema but hate the other people and its getting increasingly worse. So many times you cant go anymore, weekends.. christmas, when bored families that hate each other go for something to do. ANY pixar film shown before about 9PM is just a nightmare of children (I know they are for kids but some cinemas do kid free showings sometimes)

In some cinemas in America they now have ARMED security to deal with the problems, as technology gets better home cinemas bigger, and downloadable content faster, how long before we all stay at home to watch the premiere of the latest hollywood blockbuster rather than risking our sanity out there with the proles?

109 FGT
Posted on Monday March 10, 2008, 12:24
A goodly list...I would add one of my own

Thou shalt not 'pop' your any time..I can still hear it and it sets my teeth on edge.

110 noel
Posted on Monday March 10, 2008, 17:44
I was at The Empire Strikes Back when it was re issued a couple of years back, it was the afternoon screening nobody in the Cinema only me , the credits roll and this six foot giant comes in and sits right in front of me, I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Your taking the Piss". He said he didn't see me and moved. About 5 minutes later a school tour arrived, 30 to 40 teenagers mixture of boys and girls. I fucked off and asked for a refund and came back another day.

Great List

111 MOOT87
Posted on Tuesday March 11, 2008, 01:28
You speak the truth, Brother!!! Although, in reference to No. 10, its funny as hell when you do it to someone just for japes. Just to hear their reaction mind you, then move in to the premier seats even though you paid for standard and question why those fools dont too!

112 orjuelai
Posted on Tuesday March 11, 2008, 01:37
Great ceremony. Emma was really beautifull. Thank Empire

113 The Jackle
Posted on Tuesday March 11, 2008, 15:17
I totally agree, especially about those sick freaks with the night vision goggles. How dare those facsist bastards try and protect the livelyhoods of all those people busting a gut to make the movies upon which the entire staff of Empire rely for their work (if you can call it that). At least those with film cameras have the decency to keep to themselves.

114 Lord Byron Pitt
Posted on Tuesday March 11, 2008, 22:48
Thou should never EVER enter the screen late.

That's a big one for me.

115 philshepp
Posted on Wednesday March 12, 2008, 17:50
How about: "Thou shalt not play with the empty seat in front of you with your feet". I HATE that.

116 Brighton Benson
Posted on Wednesday March 12, 2008, 18:00
When I was assistant Manager at an Odeon I started the practise of deploying 5 extra staff on Friday and Saturday nights who's job it was to go in plain clothes and watch a film and eject any evil doers. As a rule, you get the nosiest early, with no warnings or anything and then the rest of the cinema shuts the hell up. Worked a treat.

Staff were also encouraged to stop any anti-social behaviour when they were watching a film off duty. If they did so I turned a blind eye to the amount of weekly freebies they were allowed.

I once chucked a bunch of lads out of a screening of About A Boy as they were being all sorts of rowdy during the trailers and I knew they just wouldn't shut up. So they were out with refunds in hand before the BBFC certificate even came up. Does that make me a cinema fascist too?

117 grambax
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 10:10
As a sub-note to 10 - leaving a number of free seats when the cinema is quiet is great, BUT if the showing is likely to be busy but not full, LEAVE ONE SEAT between you and the person already there. Leaving two seats vacant, as most people seem to do, might seem like extra space but is a sure way of having those seats taken and then no-one has any space. Single seats rarely get taken unless the hall is almost full. Two free seats in a good location is just asking for them to be filled, even when plenty of other seats are available.

118 markwpage
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 11:33
I've witnessed my fair share of jackasses at the local flea pit but the one that really stood out for me was this little toerag at the Cineworld in Hull when I went to see 'The Simpsons Movie' last July. Despite going on the opening day, this irritating little urchin had clearly seen the film multiple times before and, for the benefit of nobody, felt it was necessary to add an Audio Descriptive track to the screening. Not only did he narrate EVERY scene - dialogue and direction - but also pointed out which jokes he thought were funny (nearly everything, apparently) and then proceeded to laugh at 130 decibels to show his appreciation for the comedy. Thank Christ the film only lasted 85 minutes otherwise I'd be doing time at Her Majesty's Pleasure right now.

119 lizzygilly
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 13:20
Ok, I agree with all but #2. As an American I'd just like to state for the record that not every American talks in the movie theater to the screen and the characters. I will do this in the comfort of my own home, but that's my right.

120 Darthdanus
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 14:48
YOU MISSED ONE; All cinemas must immediately adhere to the following child under the age of 18 will be allowed entry to a screening post 9pm as 95% of this age group cannot find the will power within to shut the fuck up for 90+ minutes.
They also can't seem to leave the mobile alone, refrain from throwing shit or ACTUALLY enjoy the movie.

THIS is the main reason why I NEVER go to the cinema on weekends anymore. Whats that I hear...go in the evening?? Errrm nope as that is the realm of the chav. Not interested in the flick itself but more enamoured with the possibility of a cinema based wank.

Shower of bastards.

121 shogunblade
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 15:04
I agree humbly with #9. I live in the U.S., by the way. I've gotten two movies that were probably the worst audiences (But good movies, suprisingly).

The animated film Flushed Away (Took my Girlfriend and her little brother and sister, who were, despite being younger than 5, were very quiet.) There was a group of 5 boys way down in front, who would talk, throw M&M's and made flatulence noises during the movies less fast parts. I never wished I was Wolverine so much. I would have spilt blood in the theater to get them to shut up.

The other was Pan's Labyrinth. The theater was less than half empty, I got a good spot with a friend and fellow movie goer. We loved it What I didn't like was a family, one that everyone in our town knows, got seats about four rows behind me. They are a loud family, to say the least.
When one of the characters referred to a watch that one of the character's father had, the character said "Impossible, my father never owned a watch."

The mother got this big ol' laugh out that line, it wasn't funny.

The other much worst part was when a man had his nose shoved into the back of his skull via a glass bottle and blunt force to this face. I shuddered and covered my mouth to muffle the shock I felt. The family (Exact same family) got this big laugh out of it. I'm almost moved emotionally by a movie for once, people are laughing about it.

The last worst one was when I went to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, my friends were flirting with girls and the jumped out of their seat to bother these girls.

They sucked for that movie.

122 scaramouche
Posted on Thursday March 13, 2008, 20:32
I agree with all ten commandments. Screw the communal experience! I know if something's funny or not without having to be cued by a bunch of howling smelly yahoos. And why can't people go for two hours without a telephone? There should also be a ban on babies and small children.

The problems are exactly the same here in the U.S. After verbal confrontations with rude fuckwits too numerous to list, and one that got physical, I've given up and don't even go any more. Thankfully there are DVDs.

123 jefmac69
Posted on Friday March 14, 2008, 23:17
I have to share this as at the time it was pure genuis and gathered a huge applause from the audience... something I have never experienced in the cinema:

While attending a showing of I Am Legend (turning up no less than 23mins late and still having to sit through 15mins of adverts, no doubt!) one of the last things shown before the start of the film was to tell people to turn off their mobiles so other could enjoy the movie. At precisely the same time, some moviegoer decided this was an appropriate time to answer a call from one of his mates and tell him exactly what he was up to. I sat there, stewing to be frank, as did a lot of other people, tutting and shaking their heads....

Presently, the gent in front of said interupter took exception, stood up, turned round and said:

"did you see that last advert? yes? well that means you, you fucking twat!"

Applause and hilarity ensued, and no one really seemed to noticed the film had begun!

on another note, how "hollywood an ending did that film have? Rubbish!

124 Karl Crutchley
Posted on Friday April 4, 2008, 10:21
I love all of this, but what you need to bear in mind folks, is that those of us writing to blogs on Empire online are big film fans. The offending cretins who do break all these rules only take a passing interest in movies, and will NEVER use Empire Online, let alone read this blog and hence never show any consideration for those of us in the cinema who actually want to appreciate the film.

125 skyblizzer
Posted on Monday April 14, 2008, 03:33
someone is advertising for an online site called "Bla ckWhi teK iss . c o m ". It's only a community for meeting black beauties, not for white women.

you need to stop.. BlackWhiteKiss is a controvercial site asking black women to seek rich white men!

126 TooManyFavoriteFilms
Posted on Monday April 14, 2008, 17:05
I so relate with you on the second part of the ninth commandment. GAH. I was minding my own bussiness, watching ice age at the cinima for some obscure reason, when a man starts laughing his f*cking head off at everything thats said. a FULL GROWN MAN. Probably only there because of his four year old kid. I mean I was only about nine, and even I wasn't laughing. At any of it. Gah, it pissed me off.

127 ehemisgod
Posted on Monday October 27, 2008, 04:13
I dunno, i always went for a pee at the Darth Plageius the Wise speech in Episoe III...

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