8:45pm
From Best Actor we move to the category's female counterpart, the award for Best Actress. There are a number of great performances showcased before our eager eyes as well, according to Bailey, as one last-minute entry: Tessa Jowell. That Bill Bailey eh? What a kidder. Of course Tessa Jowell is not shortlisted for an award but is instead the subject of an ironic attack insinuating that everything she's saying about the current Berlusconi scandal is a pack of lies. We, of course, would never level such libellous accusations and are sure she's on the up and up (please don't sue us). Veritas or no, the winner isn't Tessa, Paddy Considine announces that it's Thandie Newton (still lovely), who accepts her award looking genuinely chuffed. “Oh God I can’t believe it. Just being given an award by Paddy Considine is enough.”
8:49pm
Musical interlude number three: This time Bill breaks out his Kraftwerk hokey kokey, which we've definitely heard before. It's still good but by this point in the evening is lost on the largely inebriated crowd who look baffled by the stream of German lyrics though still applaud thunderously.
8:51pm
Best British Film and Will Young strides up to reveal the winner. "It's a pleasure to be here," he comments. "Awwww," heckles someone. "Don't patronise him," warns Bill. The winner, though, is Pride and Prejudice and director Joe Wright is on hand to pick up the award along with a small army of movie minions. Wright tells a touching tale of one ingrate viewer at a test screening who bummed a smoke off him and proceeded (in ignorance we must assume) to slag off the film to high heaven. "Luckily we didn’t make the film for the Seed of Chucky audience, but the sophisticated readers of Empire magazine." That's you, people.
Andy Serkis. Chief monkey.
8:57pm
And on to Best Film. Improbably young model Lily Cole is handing this one out (we're not convinced, she has a funny look about her) and the competition is tight. Will it be a third nod for Sith? No, it won't as Andy Serkis bounds stageward to accept on behalf of King Kong "This was absolutely really needed because we were doing very badly this year. It was a very political film and only cost 270 million dollars." Peter Jackson has also sent in a video and this one steals the show with a selection of outtakes, goofs and even a digitally altered 'bonus' scene from the movie showing how they got Kong back to the States (it involves a boatload of bananas). Utter genius!
9:04pm
We're almost two hours in now and the show's storming along thanks, in no small part to Bailey who really keeps the pace up. We'd like to state for the record that despite his environmentally friendly approach to comedy material (recycled routines aplenty) Bailey's still one of the funniest men about and we salute him. It's the exact same salute we used last time he came, of course, but what does he expect?
9:05pm
World's Nicest Man™ Jason Isaacs takes to the stage next to hand out a special award for Best Contribution. This one's for the Harry Potter films, of which he is also a part. "Globally the films have made… a fucking huge amount of money," he says. David Heyman, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson are all present for their moment of glory. Heyman hogs the mike quite frankly but once they've barged him out the way each get their chance to say a few words of thanks. Talking about how the kids have grown, Heyman said “It only hit me today when I read an article in The Sun about how a script was found in a lay-by used for a certain sexual activity and I had to rely on Dan to explain to me what 'dogging' was.” For anyone else in the dark it's a British euphemism for engaging in sexual acts in a public place or watching other people do so.
"Hide your goodie bag, Tony"
9:14pm
And so to the finale. It's been a great night but, as with all good things, it must come to an end and what better way to finish than with he of the upwardly mobile eyebrow, Roger Moore? “It’s Roger Moore!” roars Bill. “It’s only flipping Roger Moore!” "What can I say?" said Moore. "I’m delighted to be here. I was even more excited to find out I’d be accepting the Lifetime Achievement Award. I worked out a speech. And then they called me and said they’d found somebody older." Moore is, in fact, here to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to none other than cinema legend Tony Curtis. A standing ovation naturally (and quite rightly) follows as Tony makes his way to the stage. "I’ve been in films for 52 years and made over 140 movies," declared Curtis before embarking on a heartfelt panegyric on movies and moviemaking, which left hardly a dry eye in the house. Even Curtis began to well up by the end and, well, we had something in our eye, alright? Yes, and our contact lenses were playing up.
9:23pm
And that's it for another year, the 2006 Sony Ericsson Empire Awards draws to a close. There were laughs, there were tears and there were goodie bags as far as the eye could see. We feel it fair to state that our office manager, the lovely Stephanie Seelan, was responsible for the filling of said goodie bags and spent all weekend doing it. We'd say more in praise of her stalwart efforts but she didn't save one for us and we're still quite bitter about it. So long folks!
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