8:06pm
To top off our triplet of genre awards comes best sci-fi, presented by the oh-so-lovely Sophia Myles - interesting sidenote here, Sophia was once in a pop video with Ronan Keating, a fact shared with us by Ronan when he was in the office one day blagging a free DVD… but we digress. Sophia opens the envelope and… exactly nil points are awarded for guessing this one as it's Revenge of the Sith. This reporter kicks the dirt at Serenity's second snub of the night but can't help feeling mollified as the Imperial March blares out in all its glory and Rick McCallum returns to the stage, this time accompanied by Anthony Daniels. George isn't here in person but makes an appearance on screen claiming he's locked in a room trying to finish Indiana Jones. Daniels wheels out the C-3PO schtick once more (God love 'im) and thanks the crowd for keeping him in work for 30 years.
Stephen Frears thanks you, yes you, loyal Empire readers.
8:10pm
At this point Empire's reporter notices a bottle of rum and two cans of ginger beer foolishly left unattended by our chair. We miss Bill Bailey introducing Tim Bevan, as we whip up an impromptu cocktail but there's Tim, introducing the Empire Inspiration Award. Tim mis-pronounces 'prodigious' but we're happy to forgive him. "His films have crossed many genres from comedy to drama, to er… something else." Laughter abounds and there's not long to wait before he reveals that the object of his adulation is none other than director Stephen Frears. Frears graciously thanks the readers and confides that even he hadn't recognised one of the clips in his montage. We suspect there may have been a bottle of rum near his table too.
8:19pm
Last year’s Best Film winner for Bourne Supremacy, director Paul Greengrass, makes his way to the stage, complete with flowing locks (don't be so mean to your hair!). Taking the mike, Greengrass begins to build someone up - and up and up. "Filmmakers all through the world have all lined up to work with him. He has an enviable talent of making characters rounded, to make them live. He has done a body of outstanding work while flying under the radar of celebrity. This award is long overdue." Who could it be? None other than veteran scenery-chewer Brian Cox who, we'd like to emphasise, is just bloody awesome. A reel of some of Cox's more memorable roles are shown, followed by the man himself. " I don’t inspire, I con. I think, that’s pretty good actually, I think I do con, I’ve conned my entire life. That’s how you get on in this business. You do con and anyone who tries to do otherwise should remember that."
Not just any old win, a cracking win!
8:28pm
Could it be? Indeed, it's gentleman (sans league) Mark Gatiss and he's here to introduce the award for best direction. The drum roll (entirely imagined) reverberates through our ears as the envelope is opened and it's… Joss Whedon! No, we are of course lying, that was a dream that failed to come true. It was in fact the equally deserving and similarly talented Steve Box and Nick Park for Wallace and Gromit. Two of the most amicable men Empire's ever met (apart from Jason Isaacs, obviously, who's clearly the nicest bloke in any room), Box and Park bound up to collect their gongs but leave the bow ties at home this time. "I bet Steven Spielberg can’t make plasticine models!” True, but Tony Hart can and you don't see us giving him an attractive slab of transparent plastic do you? We love you for more than the clay figurines guys.
8:32pm
The portly form of Johnny Vegas makes his way to the stage, which can only mean it's time for the Best Actor award. Johnny begins to recount the woes of missing out on good parts and berates Rick McCallum for not casting any 'fat Jedis'. “To some of you I’m a stand-up who does some acting. To others, I’m a wanker. I’m not funny anymore. I prove it by turning up to events like this.”
8:36pm
And Vegas is still going strong with no sign of the Best Actor being announced any time soon. Does anyone fancy a refill?
Is he still there?
8:38pm
Make him stop! Oh for the love of all things holy will you please announce the winner?
8:40pm
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
8:42pm
Please… kill me.
8:43pm
And the winner is… Johnny Depp. At long bloody last! Johnny (that one, anyway) can't be with us but has provided an interesting filmed acceptance involving himself, a Jack Russell and someone who is most certainly not Johnny Depp despite claims to the contrary. It's all very confusing but we have plenty of time to think about it as even after this Vegas still won't vacate the stage. But, just as we're screwing a suppressor onto the barrel of a high powered rifle, Bill Bailey saves the day by forcing Vegas from into the wings. Thank the gods for that.
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