7:42pm
The first award is up and it's Best Newcomer. The nominees are announced, the atmosphere in the room is tense. Paul Merton makes his way to the stage and extends the agony with a pre-prepared speech about the Film and Television Benevolent Fund. Get on with it! No, wait, he makes an amusing gag about digging deep to help actors who can't even afford to buy their own cocaine. Very good. The envelope is opened and… and… (the anticipation is killing us) it's… it's… Kelly Reilly, for her roles in Mrs Henderson Presents and Pride & Prejudice. We can't help thinking Nathan Fillion was robbed here but what can you do? Well done Kelly.
7:47pm
Where's Kelly? After a fruitless scan of the crowd it turns out that Kelly's running late and has missed her moment in the sun (poor lamb). Her mate Alex Reid (here with Neil Marshall and the rest of the Descent cast) runs up to accept it on her behalf. “She’ll make it in time for a few drinks but she’s now stuck at work.”
7:50pm
Award two is the Sony Ericsson Scene of the Year and we're greeted by a catch-up in the form of our old friend, the montage. To present the award Bill introduces "An old mate of mine, a fine scholar and Chewbacca obsessive, Phil Jupitus and his incredibly shiny earring." The two then proceed to perform a Brokeback Mountain parody involving gorillas. 'Silverback Mountain' it's dubbed. See what they did there?
Anthony Daniels and Rick McCallum pick up the Best Scene award.
7:52pm
Star Wars wins, hooray! Producer Rick McCallum makes his way to the stage to collect it and tears can be seen glistening in the corner of his eye (or at least we think they can, Empire's reporter is forced to stand at the back throughout the show as the decent positions are taken up by far more important people. The vantage point is limited though so you'll have to excuse a certain amount of creative license here). "Our first British award," says Rick (while painting a perfect copy of the Mona Lisa using only his feet). "I can’t thank you enough, all the Empire readers and staff who have supported us for so long, thank you so much.” You're quite welcome.
7:54pm
Best Comedy nominees are read out - we are cracking through these aren’t we? And the winner is… Team America! Trey and Matt aren't in the room but they do provide a mirthsome acceptance video that involves a party, balloons and mock indignation a the quality of Empire's Perspex gong. " We knew we could beat Brokeback Mountain! You’re not the funniest movie of the year, we are!"
7:56pm
Bill's second musical interlude. The wisdom of George Bush put to the thumping rhythms of drum 'n' bass. Now wait a minute, you did that one last time you hosted the Awards. What? You thought we wouldn't remember? This reporter's cries of "hack!" and "we want our money back!" are drowned out by audience applause and general laughter. It may be old material but no one else seems to mind. We hear Rick McCallum whisper to Ian Freer that Bailey's brilliant. He is, it's true, but we decide to sulk anyway.
The ever-so-lovely Thandie Newton.
7:59 pm
Best Thriller's up next and the ever-so-lovely Thandie Newton (did we mention how nice she is?) glides up to present the award. Nominations include Batman Begins, The Constant Gardener, A History of Violence and Sin City, but the winner is none other than Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Shane Black is in the house (literally, not in a hip-hop sense) and saunters up to claim his prize. Shane tells an amusing anecdote that amounts to the implication that all Hollywood studio execs are morons. He then goes on the fire a few digs at certain members of the film's cast by thanking “The one that doesn’t do drugs and the one that isn’t an asshole.” Oooh, handbag to the stage please.
8:02pm
It's Best Horror time and the non-scary clips of the year's best frighteners play out before our eyes (there are children in the audience after all). Rufus Sewell is presenting - this time it's really Rufus Sewell though, not Jason Isaacs pretending as was the case back in 2004. There's only one possible winner here and, yes, you guessed it, it's The Descent "All the Gollums in the cave," remarks Bailey. "Yeugh, it’s like a night out in Yeovil.” Massive cheers as Neil Marshall head to the stage, soon joined (after some encouragement - they were shy, poor loves) by his sexy cast. "At the BIFAs I was quite pissed and spoke quite a lot but what can I say? Fucking hell!" very distinguished, sweet speech from Neil. “Thank you very much Empire and – fuck yeah!”
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