10:03am
Empire staff shamble into the Hilton Metropole - a glorious example of renaissance architecture fashioned predominantly from concrete and situated under a flyover on the Edgware Road - ready to be walked through the evening's events by Awards organiser and Empire's bearded ambassador, Ian Nathan. We're all shown the ropes, led around the venue and told who it is we'll be looking after that night. Olly rejoices at the prospect of having Thandie Newton on his arm; Sam does not at the thought of having Johnny Vegas on his.
1:00pm
Empire team pops out to M&S to stock up on sandwiches after being informed that, while the celebrities will enjoy a three course meal, we won't be fed. Verdict on sandwiches are: too cold, M&S need to look into the temperature settings on their refrigerators.
4:00pm
It's game time. Empire returns to the now fully constructed venue to see placards, security guards, a green carpet (you can thank our sponsor, Sony Ericsson, for that) and a throng of hopefuls gathered outside waiting patiently to blag an autograph from any famous faces that comes their way. Being a writer for Empire does not, we're told, qualify.
Empire's Pav has IT issues.
5:28pm
Technical glitch results in details of award winners appearing briefly on the website. James and Amar curse the gods of IT support and have it taken down immediately. Observant readers who noticed and subsequently posted about the winners in the forum are located and killed. No harm, no foul.
6:00pm
Doors open and guests begin to filter into the entrance hall to be greeted by a phalanx of photographers and a long line of press. Certain members of the Empire team revel in the opportunity to be on the other side of the press rope and take the opportunity to put other reporters in their place, wielding this newfound power with reckless abandon by getting them all to move along three feet and then shunt them back again. Just because we can.
6:16pm
Roger Moore arrives, the first of the evening's very special guests and, with raised eyebrow and wry grin, proceeds to charm the pants off of Helen, who's leading the charge for Empire and holds the first interview spot on the carpet.
6:48pm
Celebrities continue to file through the doors. Other stars are left standing as Thandie Newton arrives and eclipses all on the carpet. We ask you, she gets one Bafta and suddenly she thinks she's the cat's whiskers. Actually that's a lie - it should be pointed out that Thandie Newton is actually a delightful person (so much so that we were forced to stop ourselves from whisking her up and hugging her on several occasions) and even though she resisted our attempts to make her our new best friend, we still think she's ace.
7:15pm
The show was supposed to start a quarter of an hour ago and still no sign of Rupert Grint. No wait, here he is, someone drag him inside so we can all get started.
Our host, Bill Bailey. Apparantly mad for it.
7:30pm
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2006 Sony Ericsson Empire Awards. Wahey! Go nuts! Etc.
7:30pm
The Arctic Monkeys accompany (not literally, you understand, they weren't invited but we put on one of their records) a montage of Empire covers detailing, among other things, Jessica Alba’s bottom, Gromit, Darth Vader and that biggest monkey of all: Kong. We're then treated to a rousing introduction from Empire's Editor-in-Chief Colin Kennedy. It's a glorious work of prose that prompts laughs, tears and sighs of rapture. As moving as it is witty and delivered by a master of oratory, this surely is the high point of the evening for almost everyone in the room. (Any chance of a raise?).
7:35pm
Back by contractual demand, our host for the night, Bill Bailey, saunters his way onto the stage to The Clash, his wispy mane billowing behind like some kind of ethereal wimpole. “Coming to you from the very heart of the outskirts of London’s glittering West End, here in the couscous belt, London’s blue light district. Welcome to the Sony Ericsson Empire Awards, here at the Hilton Metropole, previously Paddington Green maximum security leisure facility."
7:39pm
Bill makes ill-advised scientology gag. Empire informs legal department to be on standby.
7:41pm
The first musical interlude from Mr Bailey highlights a variety of famous faces in what Bill refers to as his 'scale of evil'. Hang on a minute, this sounds familiar. Didn't he do this as part of his Part Troll tour?
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