I appreciate that because it kind of makes up for every chick who ever said I had a small dick. Starting with my mom, working right up to my wife. I'm gonna take a few minutes cause this is the only award I'm ever going to win I assure you. And I'm sorry if I'm a little sweaty but I tend to do that when I breathe. I don't know if you all watched the Golden Globes a few years ago but Marsellus Wallace won a Golden Globe - Ving Rhames - for this TV movie that was he played Don King. And when he got the award he didn't feel like he was really worthy of the award so he passed it off to somebody he felt was more deserving and that was Jack Lemmon, who was in a TV movie that year. In the spirit of that I would like to pass this award to somebody who I thought did an amazing film this year and went unrecognised by the Academy and he's just a fantastic guy, and that dude is a hero of mine. I would like to give my award to Quentin Tarantino.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait. I would like to, but I'm not going to. Because fuckin' Quentin's doing really well. He won a Palme D'or, he's got an Oscar and shit like that, he's got acclaim. I made Gigli2 people, so I'm fucking keeping this award, to be honest with you. Because you don't know how many editors at Empire Magazine I had to suck off to get this award. You wouldn't think a movie magazine would have so many editors but they do and oddly enough most of them are guys. And it was always the same, it was like 'Oh it ain't going to suck itself fatty!' You know. 'hurry along so we can talk about Revenge of the Sith.' So I'm takin' it for me. Because that's a lot of cock.

This is especially meaningful to me because it comes from part of the British press and the British press the last time I was here wasn't very kind to me. I had released the most independent I ever made, a low budget effort called Jersey Girl. And you know they kind of went after the film, particularly I don't know if you all read the papers here but in a paper, I believe it's called The Mirror, there's a column by some writers called the 3am girls. The 3am girls kind of teed off on the film a little bit. And just so I can be specific and I don't misquote (pulls out clipping) - because the press can do that - I'm going to read you a little something that they wrote. They were talking about the fact that Ben Affleck couldn't make it over to promote the movie and stuff so the essential point of the article is Ben lit out because the movie's terrible. They wrote 'the film in which Ben and J-Lo play lovers with a baby on the way proved to be a box office disaster in the States. It's a shame Ben has pulled out because it's obvious the film needs all the publicity it can get. Says an insider.' An Insider, not, you know, me or fuckin' somebody involved with the film, an insider essentially. So, I ran into one of the 3am girls the next day at the premiere and I was just 'look, not for nothing but you're quoting anonymous sources, why don't you talk to someone who knows about it. I'm not telling you how to do your job but this shit's kind of hurtful to read.' And she was like 'right, right, you've really turned me around here. So this is what she wrote the next day. She called me 'the movie's director, fat, bearded, hobbit lookalike Kevin Smith.' Now, many of you probably aren't aware but I have a weight problem, so if you call me fat and bearded, alright, you're on point, that's accurate. But calling me hobbit lookalike? Come on man. Cause, if I look like a hobbit, this bitch looked like a fucking orc, I assure you.

Revenge is awfully sweet. But the thing that bothered me most was that the article said 'insiders say' which is a little vague and you could just , really, make that up and attribute it to anybody. So in the spirit of that I've spoken to some insiders about the 3am girls. Now I dont' know if this is accurate but insiders say that for one Euro, not a pound, for one Euro, you can take a fuckin' brick in their mouths. If that makes print tomorrow, an insider heard it.

I just want to thank a few people while I'm up here, 'cause the last ten years of my life wouldn't be possible without a lot of cats, some of them mean the world to me and some of them don't. Of course I want to thank Alan Rickman and Jason Mewes and Matt Damon because they're here. All the other people who you've seen in the clip, I thank them too. I want to thank Scott Mosier, my producer, but without that dude I can't do anything. Mewes, you get a special thank you cause you're an inspiration and you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met and without you I would just be the fat guy standing there in movies. So thank you. I thank Empire magazine, I thank everyone who came out tonight, but most importantly this award doesn't really go to Quentin, I'm not going to keep it, this award goes to my wife. Thank God she's into fat dudes. So I'm going to scratch it out and write chubby chaser award and I'm going to present it to her. Because I love her to death and without her, you know, it would be kind of hard to slog through some of the bad press. And even when I read a 3am girls column about myself she said 'you know, you're not hobbit-like.' Leaving the fat and bearded part there. But Jennifer I love you to death, thanks so much. Y'all know I'm getting so laid tonight because of that. Thank you, goodnight.
LISTEN TO SPEECH [mp3 format]

He writes, directs, bangs out the odd seminal comic book, and is as sharp as any stand-up working today.

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