Connie Nielsen

5.33pm: She won the Best Actress award at the 2001 Empire Awards for Gladiator, yet only now has Connie Nielsen been able to return to the scene of her greatest triumph. And she looked, if we can say so while remaining profession and unbiased, hotter than a thousand suns. "Last time it was very loose and fun, I got to hang out with people I'd been working with, it was really great."

5.36pm: The babe alert continued, as our very own Sophie Okonedo (we mean Britain's own, it's not like Empire owns her, and locks her in the video room at night for safekeeping or anything, honest occifer) sashayed onto the red carpet, looking as serene as ever. "I've had a ridiculous year really," said the star of Hotel Rwanda, "and suddenly my life has changed so I'm suddenly going to award shows." And, like Vanessa Williams, she went and saved the best for last.

5.38pm: Mais oui, un bit de Gallic glamour dans, erm, la carpet rouge! Ooh la la! C'est Julie Delpy, actresse dans Before Sunset, umm, la interviewee avec Helen! Nominee de Actresse de Bestest! "Well I heard it was fun, that's why I'm here," said Delpy, in English much better than Empire's French (or, for that matter, English). "It doesn't matter if you win or not, you know." Ha! Her tune was soon to be changed!

5.45pm: And the big draws of the night began to arrive. First up, the loquacious Kevin Smith – with his wife and Jason Mewes in tow – showed up, dressed for the occasion in true Silent Bob style (ie long green coat, shorts and checkered sandals with no socks – duuuuuuuude! Awesome!), and babbling away like the brook that swore too much. "What drew me along was that I've always read Empire," said the recipient of the Independent Spirit Award. "That's really what drew me here, the promise of a fucking award. So how could I say no?" Then Smith – who, since he's been here, has contracted tonsillitis, performed for four hours on Monday night at An Evening With Kevin Smith, and met Messrs. Pegg, Wright and Matt Damon, revealed his favourites for the night's awards. "My favourite films of last year were Shaun Of The Dead and Kill Bill 2 – and if I recall correctly, they swept the Oscars."

Michael Madsen and Quentin Tarantino

5.51pm: Making a late entrance, too cool for school… it's Empire's Icon Of The Decade, Quentin Tarantino, and Empire's Icon Of The Decade's Chum, Michael Madsen. "Very happy to be here. Empire magazine was kind enough to fly me over here, look after me, so what could be better, right?" asked Madsen. What indeed? "Well, maybe they'll give me an award. I never got one of those."

Alas, Madsen's wish wasn't to come true, but QT was certainly getting an award and was pretty fuckin' pleased, alright? "Empire is like my favourite film magazine in the world," he gushed. "And they've both treated me like, so well over the years, so if they're having the awards and they're talking about giving me one, of course I'm going to show up." QT then became the 4,767th top Hollywood director to pin his colours to the Shaun Of The Dead mast. "I think it's the Best British movie of the last seven years, since Crying Game. And maybe the best British movie about young people right now I've ever seen," he said. High praise indeed.

5.54pm: And how fortunate that Shaun's director, Edgar Wright, was next in the line-up. He stopped to talk to us, keenly aware that – since we'd given him our Hyperspace log-in details earlier in the week, so he could watch the Star Wars trailer – he was in our debt forevermore. "It's the 10th anniversary, isn't it?" he asked. "So it's nice that the people coming are all people who have been integral to cinema for the last ten years, that's great. So to have some real heroes in the house – Terry Gilliam there, very exciting, Kevin, Quentin – is going to be cool."

5.59pm: With one minute to go, up popped Pacey – erm, sorry, Joshua Jackson, taking a night off from treading the boards with Patrick Stewart in David Mamet's A Life In The Theatre. So, Pace – erm, Josh – we asked, had the Awards' reputation as an almighty piss-up convinced you to come? "Is that what this is? What have I gotten myself into? Oh man," he cried, before we helpfully pointed out the bottles of OJ nearby. "Thank God, I'm a huuuuge teetotaller! And a massive liar, apparently…"

6.00pm: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the awards will begin in ten minutes!'

6.02pm: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the awards will begin in five minutes!'

6.03pm: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the awards will begin in one minute!'

6.05pm: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the awards have begun!'

6.06pm: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the awards are over! Thanks for coming!'

6.10pm: Only kidding, folks. The awards actually begin. Empire's finest heads backstage for the winners' press conferences. Freddie Highmore is first. Freddie fact! Being only 2 feet tall (Empire estimate), the ironically named Highmore can't peer over the podium and has to hold a detachable microphone to answer questions.

Kate's acceptance on video

6.14pm: Kate Winslet can't be here tonight to pick up her Best British Actress award, but she has recorded a lovely speech via the magic of modern technology. The gist is she's quite happy and thanks a lot.

6.18pm: The wonderful Paddy Considine – top bloke, he's just about to [CENSORED! NO! NO!] – comes backstage to celebrate his Best British Actor award for the brilliant and brutal Dead Man's Shoes. He's very, very happy. "It is magazines like Empire – and I'll name the others, T**** F*** and H***** – that championed our film and just brought it to people's attention," he said. And where will you keep the award, Mr. Considine? "In the shitter! " How charming. "No, that's no disrespect, because I read Empire when I'm having a dump. And this will go on a shelf in the shitter."

Considine fact! David Morrissey, who stars alongside Paddy in Stephen Woolley's forthcoming The Wyld And Wicked World Of Brian Jones, called Paddy 'Paddy Constantine'. Funnily enough, we did the same in an early, unsubbed press release. We feel like idiots.

6.24pm: Matthew Vaughn is still on a plane from LA where he may or may not be directing X-Men 3. So his good lady wife, the lovely Claudia Schiffer, accepts Best British Director on his behalf. "Oh, so pleased, it's fantastic. All the time he worked, to get an award is great," she said. And what, pray tell, is Matthew working on, as if we didn't already know? "I'm not allowed to say because it's not signed yet, but he is planning something," she smiled, coyly. Oh come now, woman – it's X3! X3 X3 X3!

More... It's 'Mattttt Daaaaamonnnnn'...